Ratings: Bar Soap

Not long ago, bar soap was our only choice when it came to getting our bodies clean. Then came the body wash. A liquidy, watered-down version of the bar. I've tried several different brands of body wash and to me it seems like such a waste of money. For 3 bucks you can get six bars of soap, but only one bottle of body wash. Those six bars can last me three months. The body wash is out in about a week. Bar soap rules!

Dial
What the hell kind of name is Dial? I don't think of soap when I hear the word dial. Is it supposed to be like we are dialing into cleanliness? Lame. D

Coast
Ah, Coast, the name inspires thoughts of cool ocean breezes and the splashing of crystal clear water. Well done. B+

Lifebuoy
Do they even still make this? My mom bought be some when I was in high school and she claims it used to be quite popular. I remember it being pink. I don't want pink soap, but I think there's a market for this with gays that live in single-wide trailers. It's a niche market. C-

Ivory
It floats. Who cares? I can't seem to rinse clean with this crappy bar. F

Irish Spring
It's green, it smells great, and it rinses off well. I love this soap. It reminds me of my childhood growing up in the orchards of Ireland. It reminds me of my first pint in a bar called The Cock and Hen. It reminds me of the River Shannon and the ships that sailed on her. Except none of that happened. A-

Dove
If I was a chick, this would be my soap. One quarter moisturizing cream. Are you kidding me? That's amazing. How do they get soap in there as well? B+

Tom's Of Maine
Tom's of Maine has always seemed so pretentious with it's organic ingredients and non-flouridated toothpaste. I remember overhearing a group of women looking at Tom's of Maine for the non-flouridated toothpaste. I just wanted to punch them in the faces. Enjoy your cavities! D

Lava
Damn, that name just screams manly dirtiness. "Yeah, I've been working on the car all afternoon and the only thing that can take off this level of grime is Lava." Or boiling hot acid. C+

Zest
Zest sounds so perky. I can just see some yuppy with his tie, briefcase, and latte walking out the door to his Volvo with a smirk on his face. He's happy because he used Zest. Too bad he has diarrhea from drinking too much Starbucks. Pretentious asshole. C