'Raymond & Jamie'

I used to wonder what our life would've been like had Ray and I stayed together. I sometimes think back on the reasons we broke up, and I question whether or not I made the right decision to break things off with him. The whole time we were together, though, I questioned whether or not we were really right for each other. I mean, things were good at first, but like they say, people change, and sometimes change isn't all that good.

I was twenty-one when Raymond and I met. He was thirty. My friends used to tell me that I shouldn't date someone that much older than myself, but I've had my share of guys my own age, and I needed someone more mature, and more stable. I thought that's what I would find in Ray, but it was about the same as if I was dating someone in my age range. I knew that Ray had certain things that he liked to do, like play video games, and watch sports on TV and all, but a lot of guys these days are like that. They're like big kids at heart. And at first that was one of the things that attracted me to Raymond. He knew how to make me laugh, and he wasn't so "serious" all the time. He knew how to have fun. But there were times where I wanted him to be serious and it seemed like he took me for a joke. Like I said, it's good to have fun and laugh sometimes, but when it's time to get serious and down to business, Ray didn't always know how to get it done. I remember one time I was asking him about going with me to a PTO meeting at Christian's school. (Christian's my four year old son) Here's how that went...

"Hey Ray, you know Chris has that PTO meeting at school tonight. You think you'll be able to go with us?"

"I doubt it," he said with a laugh.

"Why not, are you working tonight?"

"No, but I don't go to my own kids' PTO meetings, so..."

"So, what; because you don't go to your kids' PTO meetings, you can't go with me to Chris'? That really makes a lot of sense."

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't get anything out of it, it's not benefiting me, so why do you need me to go?"

"I don't need you to go, Ray, I just thought you would like to go with us. I swear, sometimes I really don't know what to say about you. You might need to take time to go to some of the meetings at your kids' schools so that you'll know what's going on with them in school. Because whether you're aware of it or not, that's part of being a parent."

"Look, you don't have to get an attitude, I was just playing. And I know what's involved in being a parent; I've been one for a lot longer that you have."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? How often do you see your kids? How often do you go with them to events at school, take them out to eat somewhere, or just get them on the weekend and spend time with them? How many times have you brought them over to the house to spend time with us and let them get to know Christian? Just because you've been a parent a lot longer than I have doesn't mean a damn thing! So please, don't even go there."

"Jaime, calm the hell down. You love to blow something all out of proportion, until it doesn't make any sense. I was kidding with you, I would've gone with you to Chris' PTO meeting, and just because I joke about not wanting to go, you have to make a big deal out of it. I see now that you need simple answers, nothing too complex."

"Too complex? You are the definition of too complex. Everything you say and do, just about, is too complex. But that's okay, it's quite alright, you don't have to worry about going, we'll go by ourselves and we'll be back when we're back."

"Now why are you acting like that? All of that drama, and now you don't want me to worry about going?"

"No, I don't. I can't stand for you to start a problem, and then throw that 'I was just playing' bit on me and then say I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. That's your problem, you play too much and you don't know how to be serious when the situation calls for it. So, yeah, just forget about it and don't worry about going."

"Fine it's forgotten."

"Fine."

Ray has four kids with three different women. One of them was brave enough to bear two of his kids. He said he wanted for us to have a baby together, but I told him that I wasn't ready for anymore kids.--the nicer way to say: HELL NO I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH YOU!! And it wasn't really that I didn't want to have a baby with him, I just really didn't want another child at the time. I had Christian when I was seventeen years old, and I was just actually getting adjusted to being a mother to him; I didn't want anymore kids. And him having four kids already seemed like a lot to me. His kids were eleven, nine, six, and five when we met. The eleven and nine year olds had the same mother, Angela, and she was a real bitch. The six year old's mother, Brenda, was okay for the most part. She was sweet and always spoke to me when she'd see me out in the street or something. And the five year old's mother, Veronica, I think was jealous of my relationship with Ray. I kinda felt like she still wanted him, and if that was the case, I would've told her she could have him. But Ronnie (what everybody called Veronica) started messing around with Ray when he was still with Brenda. And she knew that Ray and Brenda were together, but that didn't stop her. I suspected that he was still seeing her off and on after we first got together, but he swore me up and down that he was through with her. I believed him, but at the same time I didn't believe him, because there were a lot of times where he' d be off of work, but didn't come straight home, so I really can't be sure what was or wasn't going on at the time.

I finally broke up with Raymond after two years because I just felt like our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I would try and communicate with him on several different levels, and it all seemed to be in vain. We didn't go out like we used to, he didn't buy me things like he did in the beginning, we didn't laugh anymore, and I just got bored, so to speak, with the relationship.

"Ray, you know the new Alien versus Predator movie is coming out this weekend. Why don't I see if Michelle can watch Chris so we can go see it?"

"When are you talking about going?"

"We could probably go Friday night. We can get something to eat, and then catch the late show afterwards."

"I think I have to work, and if I don't, I probably need to be working to make some extra money to get these bills paid next week."

"That's all you do now, work, work, work. You never take me anywhere anymore. We have to have fun sometimes. Life can't be all work and no play."

"Well it's hard to take time to play when we have all of these bills piling on top of one another. And besides, if the movie is just coming out this weekend, it'll be in the theaters for at least three more weekends, and we'll go next week or something."

"Whatever, Ray. You're always putting me off, like you're not interested in keeping me happy; keeping this relationship exciting. What's really up with you? Are you still messing around with Ronnie? Is that where you're spending all of your spare time, with her?"

"Now you know I'm not talking to that girl, I don't even know why you keep going back to that. Why are you so insecure, Jamie?"

"Because you made me this way, damn it! Every time I turn around you're too busy for this or too tired for that, and you don't stay busy and tired spending time with Christian and me, so it's got to be something! That's why I'm at the end of my rope now; I just want to quit your ass!"

"You want to quit my ass? I don't think you have the courage to quit my ass, Jamie; I really don't. You've put me through too much shit to leave now, so don't even think about it."

"Or what? Don't make empty threats Raymond, because you know I don't play that. If I wanted to walk out of that door right now, there would be nothing you could do to stop me."

"Oh, you don't think I could stop you?"

"No, I know you couldn't. And as a matter of fact, I wouldn't be the one walking out, you would be leaving; this is MY house."

"Yeah, whatever; but luckily for you I'm not leaving, and neither are you. I've gotten too much vested into this relationship for you to be trying to leave me now. If it's that serious, we'll go to the damn movie."

"No, it's not about the movie. It's about you not making time to make sure your woman is happy in this piece of shit relationship. You're gone ninety percent of the time and I know you're not always at work, and when you're here the other ten percent, it's just like you're not because you don't talk to me, we don't do anything together, you come in late from work, or where ever it is you've been, you shower and get right in the bed and go to sleep. There's no romance in this relationship, no real conversation, no going out and having fun, no nothing! And you expect for me to just take it and go on? I don't think so. If love and commitment isn't in your long time future plans, we may need to just go our separate ways. Because I want the man I'm with to actually pay attention to me and take up time with me and my son like a family. And with the few times you have mentioned marriage, do you really think I would marry you with the way this relationship has been going? It's not interesting to me anymore, I don't look forward to waking up beside you in the morning, and when you're not here when I get ready to go bed at night, I don't look forward to you creeping into the bed with me at all hours of the night. Honestly, Ray, I'm bored with you. Everything and everyone else is more important to you than making a family with Christian and me. But it's okay, I understand that you have a lot going on, and if you can't find time for us, then let me know and I will be just fine with it. But don't have me wasting my time with you thinking that things are going to change and a year from now we'll be having this same conversation."

"Do you honestly feel like I don't love you and care about you and Chris? I don't know how you could think that. I mean I have been a bit neglectful..."

"A bit..."

"Could you let me finish? I let you talk; now it's my turn."

"Okay, I'm sorry; please finish."

"But I have been working trying to make it so we can go out and have fun, go to the movies, and such, but I need the money to be able to do that. There's nobody out there that I want to be with, nobody that I'm messing with, or anything like that. When I'm out, I'm working, and when I'm out not working, I'm still making moves trying to get things right for me, you, and Chris. Believe me; things are going to get better for us. You just have to give me time so I'll be able to take you out, so we can go on a family trip and do some things as a family. Just give me time, that's all I ask."

"How much time do you need? How long are you going to put me second? How long do I have to sit at home alone watching the same old stuff on TV and going to bed alone every night? This relationship, this family should be your main priority right now. You can't keep putting us on the back burner and expect me to stay. I can't do it; I won't. I deserve more and so does Christian. Work, yes, that's what keeps a roof over our heads and food on our table, but like I said before, you can't make work number one over everything else. If you need to work extra shifts at work just to have enough money to take me out every once in a while, you might need to reconsider your career goals. And I can't say get a second job because that would only add to the problem we're having now. You definitely wouldn't be around to do anything with me then. You make good money doing what you do, and you work such long hours, but you never seem to have any extra money. And you think I'm wrong when I say I don't want to have a baby with you. You can barely support the four kids you've got and still make ends meet in this household; what makes you think either of us needs another baby?"

"Guess what, baby girl, I do just fine by my kids and they will always be taken care of, so I don't even know why you're bringing that up. And as far as us having a baby goes, if that happens, he or she will be taken care of just the same as the others. You make too much out of certain things, Jamie and that's why we're not going to make it. It's not because I'm gone to much or that I don't make time for you, or whatever, it's because you can't be content with being with someone who loves you and would do anything to make sure you were taken care of. If I had to work three full time jobs to make sure we could live comfortably, I'd do it with no hesitation, but then you'd make me out to be the bad guy who never stayed home and made time for his family; but I'm out there making the money so we can live better. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Yes, it does, Ray, but life isn't all about MONEY! Money, Ray, doesn't buy happiness, baby, no matter how much of it you have. Yes, we could live more comfortably if we had more money, but how happy would we be? That's the question. I'd rather be dead broke, hoping and wishing they won't come turn our lights off if I knew you'd be there with me at night to light a candle and tell me everything was going to be alright. But you'd rather be out there working twenty hours a day seven days a week and completely ignore your obligations to me and my son. When we got together, you said you were ready for this, ready for us, to make any and all necessary adjustments and changes, but it doesn't seem as though you were."

"I'm ready for this Jamie, I really and truly am, but like I said, I want you to give me a little more time to get things how they should be."

"Okay fine. We'll see how things go. I'm going to give you six months, and if nothing's changed in six months, I'm going to have to call it quits."

We only made it four of the six months. And I knew when I said that I'd give him a chance to get it right that it wasn't going to last very long. I was very optimistic. And I tried to be understanding of the situation of him wanting to provide for me financially, but he couldn't get it together. The physical and emotional aspects of our relationship were what were lacking and what I needed, and he couldn't seem to understand that. He really didn't want for me to break it off with him, but I told him that it wasn't going to work and I couldn't force affection out of him. But like I said at the beginning, I do sometimes wonder what things would've been like if we had stayed together. I don't know if we would've made it work out somehow, or if we would've eventually broken up further down the line. We had some good times and a lot of rough times, but in the end, the bad outweighed the good, so we had to part and go our separate ways. I'm better for it, and I learned some valuable life lessons. I've always been a strong minded person and I know what I want in my life when it comes to relationships, so if the one I'm with can't conform a little, I don't need nor want him. The right man will come along one day, and I'll be right here waiting.