"Rea Housewives of Beverly Hills" Episode 12 Recap

Very rarely a show outdoes itself in the 'dying from boredom' department, and I'm here to tell you last night's RHOBH truly outdid itself in the 'I would rather watch beige paint dry in a beige room because at least there would be fumes' kind of way.

And we had potentially exciting stuff to tend to! Camille got 'the call' from that ol' cross dressing sack of meat Frasier! Bombastick! Fireworks! Screaming and tearing out of hair! Catching a red eye to NYC to beat on his apartment door and demand he produce the little tartlet then and there. That's what I want to see!

But no. We get Camille's rolling eyeball looking at the camera and she just shrugs, "Oh wellsies, guess I'll wear Red to the Tonys." Blech. A hundred times Blech.

We'll get to Camille and Kelsey in a minute, first let's talk about all sorts of boring nothings...

Well, Lisa is a little miffed that Kyle seems to be besties with Taylor, because she feels Taylor is a little shiz stirrer. Agreed. Kyle knows it too, but I think she feels a little bad that Taylor is making her ugly face and being sad everywhere, so she's probably giving her an extra benefit of the doubt.

And lo and behold in a totally spontaneous and not at all scripted way, Taylor shows up! Gasp! Not only did she show up, but she showed up in one of Punky Brewster's old sweaters and forgot to wear pants. Always a treat.

So Lisa get's all eye-rolly and irritated about Taylor giggling about everything serious in life..

"Oh ha, ha, ha my marriage is over, ha, ha, ha the plight of the endangered Mongoose, ha, ha, ha, ha..." It's all nervous laughter, nervous laughter. Which Lisa immediately calls to the carpet as vapid and fake which made me love her infinity forever even more, like that's even possible, and guess what Taylor did?

"Oh, ha, ha, ha genuine emotions and relationships, ha, ha, ha..."

Exactly.

And since Kyle is in the room, and she likes things to be about her, let's talk about her. You see oldest daughter Farrah is graduating, and this is the single most important day in Kyle's life. Oh, Farrah will be ok, but this is about Kyle.

So Kyle goes diamond shopping for a graduation present and purchases the ugliest hubcap looking ring I have ever seen for thousands of dollars. My oh my that was one hideous ring. But whatever, then of course Kyle buys herself a diamond because this is an important time in her life too. You see, Kyle had a relentless stage mother that had ice cold insect blood coursing through her veins, and made her kids perform silly acting things rather than get an education.

Yeah, I know...color me shocked that Kyle got married at 18...Kim's a complete basket case...and Kathy Hilton spawned those kids of hers...shocked.

Speaking of the Hilton spawn, turns out they aren't coming to Farrah's graduation soiree because it's "not hot" or something, so instead they're heading to Cannes. How telling is it that NO ONE told Kyle, and Kim had to do it?

And of course Kyle gets all upset about it, "But it's the famous relatives!" and Farrah could really care less. She probably can't stand those life supports for reproductive organs that are her cousins, and is perfectly fine with them gifting her with a giant shrub stolen out of someone's driveway and a check with a lot of zeros. I would be to. Go Farrah.

So Farrah gets her degree from the best university in the world, the school only the most beautiful and talented attend (!!!), there's a nice little party Kim and Kyle give blubbering speeches full of word salad, and it was all good.

Ok, quick side note. Mauricio's mom is a sex therapist? Eeeeeeeewwwwww! I'm sure she's a fantastic lady and a serious professional, but holy crap, could you imagine your mom talking about her day at work? I don't even want to know how I was made, much less have a parent that TALKS about it for a living. Also included in the Ew, would be the mental image of Paul and Adrienne bumping uglies and doing the nudey nasty. I wonder if they fight the whole time.

Ew.

So now that I've totally grossed you out, we're ready to talk about the Cameelio Monster and Kinky Cross dressing Kelsey. We find out that Camille got the call from Frasier basically telling her it's over, and she talked about it like her toast burned or something, didn't she? Her friend Dierdre was more incensed than the woman scorned! Are you kidding? C'mon Camille...get mad! Unload on the creepy toad! Rally the troops!

We almost got there when she was saying, "Oh sure I drag you out of the gutter, clean you up, get you through Fraiser, nurse you back to health when you have a grabber, and you throw it in the first flight attendant that says yes?"

But then? Nothing. She just sighed and her eyeball rolled around, "Well maybe Kelsey will come around when I go to New York."

Ok, America here's where I am going to do the unthinkable. I am officially redeeming Camille back into the human race. Yes she's horrible and made Nick kiss her on the lips AGAIN infront of his wife last night, but I will tell you why she is now officially a human.

Kelsey is a scheister pooper of the highest order. That scumbag said whatever he needed to say to keep it out of the news, and not piss anyone off and jeopardize his chance at winning a Tony. He played Camille like a fiddle. He gets his flight attendant, he cons his wife into showing up and portraying him as the 'great guy' he wants the world to think he his, and he is a turd for doing it. There, that's why.

I did get kind of a chuckle out of him coming in and looking at Camille's dress choices because I was like, "Gee Kelsey...which one would make YOU feel pretty?" Ugh. Go get him Camille...dry your tears with $60 million.

Well that was highly disappointing...what else happened?

Cedric's getting the boot out of Casa de Vanderpump. And boy did he try and try to weasel his way back in! The story just keeps getting worse! Last week his mom was a prostitute that left him in a phone booth and he lived on cat food and the kindness of strangers...and this week she was raped! Cedric is the product of that! How can anyone love him?

It was very pathetic, and he's a pretty good charlatan, I'll give him that. And props to Lisa holding firm on making Cedric move out. "Yes, time to let that go and be a big boy. You're getting your own apartment, not going off to war."

Sorry. May God strike me dead if any of that Snake Oil is true. But I don't buy it for a second. Notta one!

So that's where we end this week's fun in the Hills of Beverly. Next week is the season finale and something horrible goes on between Kyle and Kim where awful things are said and Kyle actually crawls across a limo to kill her sister with her bare hands!

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