Read My Hips: Nonverbal Signals of Interest and Availability

Long before humans acquired the ability to speak they were able to communicate and attract suitable partners. Through non-verbal signals both conscious and unconscious, some that have remained the same since Homo sapiens beginnings, people continue to attract and meet potential partners today. Many of these signals, although not all, have some sort of biological basis and are further uncontrollable. The point of all these, however, is to attract interest and then keep the potential partner interested and invested. Nonverbal signals are important in every day life as well as when attracting partners. The basis of communication is non-verbal and probably began as a result of the search for a suitable partner to mate with who can help transmit their genes into the next generation. The study of these non-verbal signals is known as proxemics.

Proxemics

Proxemics is the study of how people use the space around them to send nonverbal messages to others (Cox, 2003). This field was given its name in 1959 by Edward T. Hall to describe set measurable distances between people when they interact. Four years later, Hall wrote that proxemics is "...the study of how man unconsciously structures microspace- the distance between men in the conduct of daily transactions, the organization of space in his houses and buildings, and ultimately the layout of his towns" (Ickinger, 2001). This was a humanistic study of how people interact and how they situate themselves in all sorts of social settings. The first scientific study of proxemics in respect to courtship was carried out in the 1960's by biologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt (Givens, 2005). This field of study is still relevant and used in studies involving non-verbal communication, and even communication in general. In 2003, Tracy Cox, the author of Superflirt wrote that people signal on average twelve things nonverbally for every verbal message they convey (2003). This means that at least 90% of communication is nonverbal, with the majority directed towards attracting a mate. This process of sending out signals and responding to signals from other people is nonverbal communication. The most exciting, and genetically important, of these signals are commonly called courtship.

Courtship

When a man and a woman meet they advertise their physical presence, gender, and friendly intentions through bright colors, bold contrasts, and conspicuous gestures, all known as courting or flirting (Givens, 2005). In fact, sometimes people send signals indicating sexually relevant information to the world in general, in the hopes that displaying to a large enough audience will catch someone's attention. These behaviors occur internally and externally when people are attracted to each other, in the same general pattern for each potential couple. Joann Rodgers (2001) proposes that flirting, of differing forms, is how every creature approaches the issue of how to choose the right mate in a world full of potentials. The "right mate" refers to a partner who is in good sexual condition and has indications of good genetic coding, as well as the slightly less important ability to care for any potential offspring. These traits are displayed, and sometimes faked, in the different phases of courtship. According to David Givens (2005), there are five overarching phases to courtship that are nearly universal.

Phase one of courtship is composed of signals designed to attract attention. These signs announce presence and gender through clothing, facial adornment, aromas, gestures, and acts to a general area in hopes of notice by a potential future partner. Submissive displays and displays of vulnerability are also included to disclaim threat and invite approach. For instance, women wear clothing intended to show off their bodes, and that make their body seem both mature and young, since this is what men are biologically wired to look for. On the flip side, men wear clothing that makes their shoulders and chest look larger, since women are predisposed to consider this the mark of someone who has good genes. This phase is the most loaded with nonverbal communication, since these signals are intended to inspire communication. More important, however, is phase two.

Phase two is when a person's nonverbal cues are noticed and answered. Givens calls this the recognition phase, in which "[you] show where you stand in a relationship before you say hello. More important [these answering signals] reveal who you should say hello to" (2005). This phase is heavily loaded with signals of vulnerability and reassurances to ease feelings of stranger danger. An interesting example of this is seen when observing a group of female smokers. When surrounded by other women they will keep their wrists turned in, as soon as a man walks past, particularly an attractive man, nearly every wrist will flash out to show that the smokers are not dangerous. Women also tend to tilt their head to the side and bare their neck, which shows vulnerability. By exposing vulnerable parts of their body a couple shows that each is safe and not going to hurt the other, which eases the fear most humans instinctually feel around strangers. This phase moves remarkably quickly compared to the other phases, since by phase two at least one person has decided that they want to meet the other after the first few nonverbal signals are received.

The only real impediment to this stage is if one player does not notice or acknowledge the other. However, if all goes well in the first two phases and stranger anxiety is eased, a pair moves on to the third phase, in which they actually speak. This phrase is simply the first verbal interaction. This interaction can be a major point of anxiety for people looking for a mate; they feel like they "never know what to say." However, studies show that a simple "hi" is remarkably effective (Cox, 2005).

Assuming the pair continues to be attracted to each other, they move into phase four. Phase four begins with the first "accidental" touch, usually initiated by a woman. A light touch, usually somewhere "safe" like on their partner's arm, generally leads to more. Occasionally, however, a man comes on too strong and does not remove his hand quickly enough, which almost always leads to an immediate end to the interaction. Too much touching or inappropriate touching can cause one player in the interaction to feel uncomfortable and find an excuse to leave the situation.

Phase five follows only after tactile reassurance such as embraces, pats, "en face" gazes - when a couple aligns faces and gazes into one another's eyes - snuggles, and kisses. This phase is one of both tactile and vocal reassurance and bonding. Over time, which can be highly variable, the touches become more and more intimate as the couple becomes more comfortable with each other. During this phase the couple makes love. Voice contact continues, but in softer, higher-pitched tones that are somewhat parental. At this point "words caress as gently and persuasively of fingertips" (Givens, 2005). Most nonverbal communication occurs during the first, second, and fourth phases, so they will most pertain to this topic. The major factors in nonverbal courting can be divided into those that deal with appearance and the factors that arise from behaviorisms.

Appearance

Through a number of signals people announce that they are available, their gender, that they are friendly and non-threatening, and that they are reproductively viable through just their physical appearance. Some of these signals can be influenced and even counterfeited, others, however, are entirely impossible to fake because they are products of purely a person's biological make-up. When people see someone they want to meet, or just when they want to pick someone up, they try to look their best. Cox (2005) points out that people do this unconsciously by straightening up, pulling in their stomach, pushing out their chest, and facing their body in the direction of interest when we see someone attractive. Men take this further by tightening their muscles and standing directly in their target's line of sight to further improve their chances of being noticed. The most simple way to get noticed is to wear clothing that draws attention, Grice (1988) draws attention to the idea that people are treated differently according to how they are dressed; an attractive woman dressed badly will appear to be unattractive and vice versa. Givens (2005) suggests that wearing bright colors will attract attention because eyes were originally adapted for fruit detection in early primates and are therefore trichromatic and drawn to color. Clothing can also be used to advertise sexual maturity and reproductive health.

Women show off their "curves" using tight jeans, heels, and other tricks. Cox (2003) suggests that this is linked to the fact that other primate species indicate female sexual receptivity through the color and smell of their buttocks. This tactic attracts superficial attention to the fact that the woman is reproductively viable. Another popular tactic to announce fertility and good health in women is showing off a high hip-to-waist ratio, or creating the illusion of the desired 7:10 waist-to-hip ratio. This is seen in numerous styles of clothing; recently belted shirts have emphasized women's waists and created at least the illusion of the golden ratio. Men appear more appealing when they have a more wedge-shaped torso, because it signals protectiveness and strength (Givens, 2005). These signals, topped with a face with clear skin, shiny eyes, youthful lips, and a cold nose, are good indicators of a body ready to conceive, especially when that body is symmetrical. A symmetrical body is also a sign of a strong gene pool, which is why women appear 30% more symmetrical the day after they ovulate (Cox, 2003).

In general, men are thought of as protectors and as being more tough in general and less concerned with their appearance than women. This can be seen in both their eyebrow shape and the fact that women spend a large proportion of their life grooming and applying make up to their faces. Men tend to have heavy, horizontal eyebrows that seem more authoritative and serious, while women have eyebrows that flare up above their brow ridge to frame a larger amount of skin. This makes their eyes seem larger and shallower, which projects eagerness, happiness, and an overall look of harmlessness (Givens, 2005). Women often exaggerate this look by plucking and shaping their eyebrows into more and more of a curve. As well as manipulating their eyebrows, women often wear make up to counterfeit sex appeal. The obsession with lip-gloss and lipstick is explained by Cox (2003), "a female with full, glossy, red lips is a turn-on because her lips mimic what (he fantasizes) is happening elsewhere: the vagina also plumps, moistens, and darkens in color when aroused" (p. 52). Grice (1988) states that women wear blush because flushing is a characteristic of those who are sexually young and experienced, and appearing young is all-important in a culture that practically worships youth.

Appearance is not only useful in attracting the attention of potential partners; it is also useful in understanding the physical reactions of others. Most of these return signals are unintentional and determined by pure biology, meaning they are some of the most honest signs of interest possible, and therefore the most potentially embarrassing. The face of an attracted man or woman flushes red as both an indicator of attraction and as a symptom of stranger anxiety. Another indicator of interest is one that cannot be faked and must be spotted quickly; this is the infamous jaw-drop. When an attractive stranger approaches the blank face that keeps away strangers disappears because the strong emotions aroused cause the impulses controlling lower jaw muscles to be temporarily blocked, leaving the mandible to drop of its own weight. An attractive person can literally make jaws drop (Givens, 2005). Along with these physical signals, humans act in certain ways and conform to certain behaviors to attract romantic attention.
Behavior

"Love itself is an intangible, but love communication is concrete. Before we love, we exchange come-hither messages granting permission to approach" (Givens, 2005, p. 15). Courtship is not a definite series of events, it is a dynamic process created by two people, each responding to each other's behaviors. The reason courtship may vary from pair to pair is in part because body language reflects a person's personality through particular ways of standing and gestures, and different people are attracted by different personalities. For the first stages of courtship, the eyes are the most important, however.

Cox (2003) claims that 80% of information about the outside world comes through our eyes, and that how a person responds with their eyes is telling. People can say, "you're attractive, and I'm interested" using only their eyes. Glancing toward a person and then away when noticed is one signal that says, "I've looked at the other possibilities, and you are the most attractive." Eye contact of more than four and a half seconds is also a good indicator of sexual interest, as is rapid blinking (Cox, 2003). Women tend to draw attention to their fluttering eyelashes using makeup, such as eye shadow and mascara. A quick wink implies closeness and helps ease stranger anxiety by making the two people into a group. The most telling, but hardest to detect, sign of attraction is dilation. Eyes dilate when a person is happy and like what they are looking at. However, this sign can also be counterfeited with eyeliner, which makes the pupils look larger and darker (Grice, 1988). The simplest way for a person to bring attention to their eyes, however, is with a hair toss.

Hair tosses can be preening, a sort of way of communicating a desire to look nice while attracting attention, or if a hand is used to flick hair back pheromones are wafted toward the object of their affection. Cox (2003) also reports that men and women preen in much the same way, and for the same reasons. Men straighten their collars, remove lint and literally pull up their socks when they want to impress. Women also adjust their clothing, but mostly they play with and smooth their hair. These behaviors unconsciously convey that the person they are flirting with is attractive and that they want to look their best (Cox, 2003). Through more subconscious behaviors people show whom they are actually attracted to as well as drawing attention to specific parts of their body.

The feet and legs are particularly good indicators of interest. Since they are on the lower half of the body it is easy to almost forget that they exist and are capable of giving away secrets and indicating interest. Feet pointed toward a person indicate interest, especially if one leg is slightly in front of the other, like they are stepping toward their partner. When men are interested they tend to sit in an open position, directly oriented toward their point of interest, Cox (2003) comments that this position is a signal that, "they're moving in for the kill" (p. 78). Women, however, often cross their legs when seated. Where their top leg points is where they are focusing their attention. Constant crossing and uncrossing of the legs, however, is an attention-seeking behavior that calls attention to legs and unsubtly draws attention to genitals (Cox, 2003).

Another behavioral play for attention is merely attitude. Grice (1988) wrote about what makes a woman sexy. She asked men for their opinions and asked women who were generally considered sexy questions about what makes a person sexy. In almost every interview the answer was that sexy women had a certain way of holding themselves. As one man said, "Frank body interest commands an interest," meaning that women who are aware of and like their body are more likely to be thought of as sexy, if only because they sent out more signals for attention. The more often a woman signals the more likely one of them will be favorably noticed by a man and eventually approached. An important note here is that sexually appealing women are not necessarily sexy and sexy women are not always as attractive; sex appeal is based almost solely on confidence and how a person holds themselves (Grice, 1988). This sex appeal may be used to attract interest, as in phase one, or return signals of interest, like in phase two. Most often, this appeal draws attention and can lead to the all-important third phase.

The most important step in courtship is when one person actually approaches another, mentioned earlier as phase three of courtship. Because of the filtering process from the first two nonverbal phases of courtship, fewer people actually speak than flirt across the room. In order to get someone to approach signs of vulnerability and harmlessness must be visible. Givens (2005) notes that signs of weakness, such as a limp, cane, bandages, etc., elicit a natural caring response. He goes on to give examples such as throat baring and small shoulder shrugs as examples of "I'm harmless" behavior. However, not all people want to be approached, and may respond negatively.

A major signifier that someone is uncomfortable is that their arms are crossed, because crossed arms form a barrier between them and other people. This is one of the least discouraging of negative responses to approach, because people often cross their arms because they are shy or mildly uncomfortable. Shy people may also freeze when approached, it looks as if they are ignoring the other person's signals, but are actually intimidated. These people can usually be made comfortable and coaxed into conversation, especially since they are actually drawn to extroverts. More negative signals include tight lips, the cold shoulder, and the lack of all reaction. Because feeling shows clearly in lips, any amount of tension leads to visible tightening. This can be a sign of extreme shyness, but is more likely a signal that they are not appreciative of the approacher's overtures. The cold shoulder is a literal turn away from a person trying to attract their interest. This response originates in an innate protective response developed in early childhood as essentially a nonverbal, "go away". The worst possible reaction to advances is the complete lack of response reaction. No response says that the person is absolutely not interested (Givens, 2005).

There are essentially two positive reactions to an approach aside from speaking, the ever-important turn and gradual synchronization. After the initial approach, couples tend to make fairly banal conversation, until one of them hits on a point of interest and the discussion becomes more interesting. At this point the two, if attracted to each other, have been slowly turning their upper bodies toward each other. Perper observed this turn as taking anywhere from ten minutes to two hours, during which touching and synchronization may begin. If the pair are truly interested in each other then they will also lean towards the other person. This lean is part of the orienting reflex, which a primitive response that alerts people to whatever is most important in their sensory surroundings (Givens, 2005). As they talk and connect emotionally people tend to echo the other person's body language because "acting alike is psychologically reassuring to the animal mind" (Givens, 2005, p. 56). This works because people look for versions of themselves, and when they are moving in synchrony they feel accepted and flattered as well as if the two are on the same level (Cox, 2003). After a time period spanning fifteen minutes to three hours two people are completely synchronized and have created their own world. Once this is accomplished, Perper (1985) speculates that both people are physiologically prepared for sexual intercourse.

Any positive response in what essentially equals the third phase of courtship allows the pair to progress to phase four, touching and the biological responses to touch and general courting behaviors.

Biological Responses

Perper (1985) writes that, from the perspective of the lover, changes in feeling causes changes in behavior. In reality, however, the series of nonverbal communication leads feelings to increase or decline. For a lover, "a touch is made behaviorally, and I immediate parallel the feeling grows, 'I love her'" (p. 93). Touch is how people bond, especially once they have gotten past the stages were stranger fear may intervene in an encounter. As this point two of the most important signals and attractors have taken over, the eyes and sense of smell.

One of the most positive reactions a potential lover can have is to appear to have "shiny" eyes. Cox (2003) explains that this look is caused by tear glands secreting fluids in response to intense feelings. This and pupil dilation are impossible to fake. People find those with dilated pupil more attractive because, says Givens (2005), "we like people who like us" (p. 51). The most absolutely powerful attractant, however, is scent.

Within the first few minutes of a new encounter people collect large amounts of scent data. Some smells are pushed to the back of our minds because of societal programming, but they are recognized and noted subconsciously. Most reactions to body odor, like males' response to natural female smells, are on an unconscious level. An example proposed by Cox (2003) is that when a man lends a woman his coat or sweater, not only is it a possessive behavior, it also allows the woman to get used to his smell and then, when the article of clothing is returned, he can smell her. Generally couples are drawn together because they have similar odor configurations, known as "odor homogamy". Odor homogamy may have led to successful matings in the primitive world. Grice (1988) speculates that homogamous odors may indicate a sort of genetic similarity that may lead to successful gene combinations and fewer complications for both the mother and child. However, more recent studies have indicated that at least some difference is chosen through scent.

Jolly (1999) cites a survey carried out in Zurich which supports the idea that both mice and humans choose mates with different major histocompatibility genes (MHC). These genes influence the immune system and are also involved in selecting skin graft donors. This study, involving forty-four male graduate students and forty-nine female graduate students showed a definite preference for males who had differing MHC loci. This experiment was repeated and showed the same results. An interesting note, however, is not that these people choose an especially good genetic combination; rather they merely preferred someone with different MHC loci. Another consideration comes from women on the birth control pill, which imitates pregnancy. These women actually preferred men with similar MHC loci, which Jolly justifies by explaining that a pregnant woman would traditionally stay with her family, who would have similar MHC loci (Jolly, 1999). These more recent findings show that humans unconsciously choose mates with genetic coding different from their own, since genetic diversity has long been the key to success. Genetic diversity can help protect from diseases, especially in areas with high levels of parasites. An example of this diversity that has led to an adaptation within a specific group of people is sickle cell anemia, which protects the bearer from malaria. Not everyone has sickle cell anemia, or the population of people who have long worked in sugar cane fields in South America would have died out long ago. This genetic diversity allows for many to be carriers of this gene, so they neither suffer the condition nor are they able to contract malaria.

Conclusion

Through both socially dictated and directed signals and signals biology forces upon people, humans send signals of sexual interest. Without speaking humans can effectively communicate sexual availability and interest. In the process of choosing the most suited, fit mate, humans have created elaborate rules of courtship and specific ideas about what the ideal mates ought to look like, mostly based on biological factors. These factors are how humans are able to attract and keep suitable partners. More importantly, these factors are remnants of humans' past and evidence that, although they may not have been able to speak, pre-history hominids were able to flirt to attract suitors and choose good mates from those available, as well as communicate on a basic level in order to cooperate and live together within a society.

References

Cox, T. (2003). Superflirt. New York, NY: DK Publishing.

Etcoff, N. (1999). Survival of the prettiest. New York: Anchor Books.

Givens, D. (2005). Love signals: A practical guide to the body language of courtship. New York, NY: St. Martin's Press.

Grice, J. (1988). What makes a woman very sexy. New York, NY: Dodd, Mead, and Company.

Ickinger, W.J. (2001). Retrieved April 30, 2008, from Proxemics Research Web site: http://sharktown.com/proxemics/intro.html

Jolly, A. (1999). Lucy's legacy: Sex and intelligence in human evolution. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press.

Perper, T. (1985). Sex Signals: The biology of love. Philadelphia: iSi Press.

Rodgers, J. (2001). Flirting Fascination. Anthropology: Comparative perspectives. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.