Reading Between the Lines on Bumper Stickers

As usual, I was running around doing errands earlier today. I fall into a minority of people that do not feel the need to be electronically tethered to other people at all times. In other words, I do not own a cell phone. I like the peace and quiet of the car. I celebrate the fact that I cannot be found at all times. I am not a surgeon. No ones life depends on whether I can be reached immediately. Not being that important is liberating. When I hit the pavement, my natural people watching instincts tend to take over. Most people kill commuting time by talking on the cell phone. I on the other hand, avidly read bumper stickers. I'm interested in reading any car with more than two bumper stickers. I'm curious about a person who feels compelled to plaster their vehicle with slogans. The practice seems to be an exaggerated extension of wearing ones heart on ones sleeve. Perhaps the person who drives around with a "baby on board" sticker as well as one that declares her "ex- husband in trunk" is trying to express her frustration at being a single mother. I don't think that lady realizes it may be difficult to get a date with such advertisements.

Co-Pilots

The co-pilot stickers always make me smile. Everyone has seen the "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers. Those are really great to have when you constantly need to take your hands of the wheel to light a cigarette and flip off the guy who just cut in front of you. I mean, honestly, I am glad someone is actually steering that guys car! I do admit that I watch the drivers of Christian vehicles a bit more closely. I can't help but marvel at their mysterious ways. One old lady had at least five Jesus or angel related bumper stickers on her Buick and she still shouted out the good Lords name in vain. I could have misinterpreted the whole thing. It was possible that she was praying for that G.D. idiot in front of her. As a people watcher and reader of car sized Post Its, I tend to fill in the information gap on my own. It just makes the whole thing that much more enjoyable.

Mean People Suck

Every time I see the "Mean People Suck" sticker, I wonder how much revenue it's author took in. Those stickers are everywhere and we all pretty much agree on it. Nobody likes mean people. That fact alone makes me wonder why people need to put it on their cars. Maybe they are really mean people in disguise. It makes perfect sense! I can picture an old Scrooge now, standing in line at a gas station purchasing his "Mean People Suck" bumper sticker. The devious thought running through his head, "they will never guess how mean I really am if I put this on my car, bah humbug"! What if bumper stickers are really a representation of what a person lacks in their life? It's like putting a big, slogan bearing Band-Aid on a personal flaw. From now on I think I will read bumper stickers and automatically think the opposite of it's owner. That might keep me entertained through a few more future traffic jams.

Identity Crisis Cars

This morning my road reading brought me to one of the most interesting cars I have ever come across. We were stuck at an unusually long red light with five intersecting roads. Directly in front of me idled a very used white Ford Explorer. It was insanely plastered with more bumper stickers than I could actually read before the light turned green. I was so disappointed. On the left side of the rear window I spied a mismatched collection of stickers.
A native American dream catcher, peace sign,pot leaves, yellow smiley face, elves, angels, skull and cross bones, satan and an oval with the word wiccan printed in the center. The possible scenarios concerning this woman's life tap danced through my imagination. She must have been a pot smoking hippie in her younger years. Eventually, multiple conversions may have taken place. Native American spiritualism gave way to witchcraft that escalated to satan worship and finally salvation by the blood of Jesus.Of course, I may have the progression of her beliefs all wrong. Trying to figure out their order by the wear and tear on their representative bumper stickers was impossible. On the right side of the rear window I found, "shit happens", "I'm not a bitch, I am THE bitch", and "Jesus Saves". There were more but the light turned and I ran out of time. My last thought on the woman was, "I sure hope Jesus saved THE bitch"! In all likelihood, she was probably a perfectly nice person, who was still just trying to find her identity. Either that or she bought or borrowed a very used car, dirt cheap!

No Stick Rule

Personally, my husband and I have always had a no bumper sticker rule. He never liked the idea of adhesives on his paint jobs. Once you stick one of those things on your car in New England, mother nature tends to seal them on permanently. Besides, I use the mother of all vehicles when I want to make a statement. This information highway, known as the Internet will take my opinions all over the world and translate them into any language. Nobody has to pull up behind me and squint to read a faded bumper sticker. This is a much safer means of communicating thoughts and beliefs. There is no risk of the light turning green and the words speeding away from you before you can finish reading them. If you want to share them with someone else you can hitch them to a link and send them to another destination. There is also no way to get stuck behind them at a red light. If you don't like them you can escape instantly and change lanes by changing articles.