Reading Between the Lines in the Personal Ads

Welcome to the Luuuve Master. This week's topic, for those of you new to the dating scene, is deciphering all those oblique little codes in the postings on Internet dating sites.

Female: "Enjoys dining out, movies, concerts, the water, traveling and more. Looking for a male with a great sense of humor." CODE: I like to spend a lot of money and need a husband who won't go nuts every time he looks at the checkbook.

Male: "Likes camping, hunting, fishing, bowling, spectator sports. Will treat you like a queen." CODE: You get to pack the lunches, pitch the tent, clean the fish, prepare the tailgate picnic and feed my buddies who I will assure that you are truly a 'queen!'

Female: "Age, looks not important; children OK." CODE: I'm desperate and will settle for whatever comes along. Please call.

Male: "Check it out. This guy is good looking, muscular; 6'2" 220 lbs. hazel/blue eyes, sandy/blond hair. Seeking Miss Right; must be a knockout. I'm told I would be a real catch." CODE: No matter how gorgeous you are, you'll never be as good looking as me.

Female: "Desires man who enjoys quality time at home and is open to new experiences." CODE: I have five children from three different fathers -- none of whom pay support -- ranging from one to 14 and can't leave them alone for more than an hour or they'll drown the little one in the tub and then burn down the house.

Male: "Enjoys a variety of interests from having fun to relaxation. Seeks secure female 21-?; full figured OK." CODE: I don't have a job so my only interests are fun and relaxation. I need someone to support me and I don't care how old or how fat.

Female: "Looking for a soul mate who cares what happens to the planet and can cherish his own company to share my joy of nature, animals, the arts, fine literature and more." CODE: I belong to numerous environmental and cultural organizations so you'll be spending a lot of time alone. And forget about watching Sunday afternoon football or eating meat ever again if you expect to get any of the 'more.'

Female: "Looking for an older gentleman 50 to 100, prefer married, who will shower me with gifts. No commitments." CODE: Even you get this one.

Male: "Enjoys cooking, long walks on the beach beneath a full moon, romantic evenings in front of the fireplace watching videos." CODE: Don't expect me to spend any money taking you out to dinner and a movie.

Female: "Divorced, 50s. I need discipline. Can you tame me? Seeking open-minded, personally secure male." CODE: I am trouble waiting to happen. I will constantly embarrass you in public and when I do you'll have no one to blame but yourself. I warned you!

Couple: "Seeks attractive married couple for adult fun times." CODE: We aren't talking bridge here.

Female: "Seeking best friend and soul mate who is compassionate, empathetic, holistic. Must be financially secure and professionally successful." CODE: If you don't measure up to both Bill Gates and Mother Teresa, don't bother to call.

Male: "I am mid-40. You are 20+, average looking, curious but shy about your sexual desires. Let me help you out. I am patient, thoughtful, gentle." CODE: And a dirty old pervert.

Female: "Enjoys yard sales, shopping, antiquing, manicures, bingo, etc. Seeks a gentleman for companionship who likes children and animals and has a car." CODE: I want someone to schlep me, my kids and my pets around town whenever I need a ride to my various activities and then baby sit them while I'm inside.

Male: "Father of two; enjoys family time, reading to my children; seeks non-drinker, non-smoker, family-oriented single female 20-25 with similar interests." CODE: I want to get on with my life and need to find an unsullied mother to take these brats off my hands.

Female: "I enjoy long walks, long talks; my man must be willing to openly communicate." CODE: I intend to pester you with every detail of my life, including calling you several times daily at work to keep you posted on the TV talk shows and neighborhood gossip. And you had better come home with some juicy personal feelings to share at dinner if you know what's good for you.

Male: "Healthy, 60s; financially secure with more than love to reward a discreet, uninhibited female for occasional, casual adult fun." CODE: I am a horny old man who wants to cheat on my wife with an acrobatic nymphomaniac and will pay for it big time.

Next week's topic: How to avoid those embarrassing silences while trying to tear open a condom wrapper. Until then, that's all from the Luuuve Master.