"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Reunion Part 1 Recap: Sharks in the Tank!

ZZZZZZ.....huh? What? Sorry, I seemed to have caught a raging case of narcolepsy after last night's "Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion. Man that was one lame hour of television. But there was one thing interesting we learned last night. NeNe's been an active famewhore for more than 10 years? She called Phaedra to hitch her star to Bobby Brown's wagon? Wow, that's pretty damn desperate.

Well anyway, here's your recap. Of course, Housewives Masterpiece Theater style...

Real Housewives of Atlanta Masterpiece Theater: Sharks in the Tank...

Act 1: Boobies

Andy: Heeeeey! Welcome to the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion special, the only group of women in this franchise I can even tolerate for a minute. Heeeeeey, ladies!

All: Hi Andyyyyyyyy!

Andy: Kandi thank God you got that dead rooster off your head and replaced it with a toy poodle...definite upgrade. So let's talk about all of your boobies, and all the other boring footage we had to piece together to fill the time. Roll the tape!

(montage rolls)

Andy: Ok...so NeNe, do you love your new nose?

Kim: Yeah, maybe you could smell your own bullshi-

NeNe: Shut up, heffa! Yes Andy, I love my new nose. Love it! Haters gonna hate!

Andy: So Kim, you are so lazy that instead of doing a situp or two you decided to use cancer causing infrared lights to melt it away...

NeNe: I thought I smelled bacon!

Kim: Yeah, your ass is sweating again! Anyway Andy, I only did it twice, so I have no idea if it worked or not. Sweetie hasn't grown a 3^rd leg or anything yet, so I assume it's safe.

Andy: Your boobs are fantastic, by the way. Like golden globes of deliciousness...

NeNe: I PAID for mine! She just hookahs herself around for hers..

Andy: Are you going to do this all night? Because we're only 5 minutes in and I'm bored. So Sheree, are you a man? You've got the guns to be an extra in "Over the Top."

Sheree: No, I do not have a penis, but I will snap your neck like a twig if you ask me that question again.

Andy: Ok, so check it out. I LOVE me some Donkey Booty. See? I had it tattooed on my lower back. It's my new tramp stamp. So tell us Phaedra about the Donkey booty!

Phaedra: Well it's a big juicy booty, you got your Spongebob Squarepants booty like NeNe, all flat and square, Kim's white, so that's self explanatory, then there's Cynthia looking like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese, then there's an actual nice booty like me and Sheree have.

Cynthia: Fine! I have cellulite and I married an old jerk! Fine! Why do you have to pick on me?! You get in a bikini and walk around a cat walk then put up with that jerk, Peter.

**awkward silence**

Andy: Wow..um... Kim... people wonder why you insist that you're 32 when in fact, you are 47. I'm gonna need a copy of that driver's license.

Kim: I AM 32. I get that in the 1^st season I was all "Trannified" with the scary Barbie hair and drag makeup, that and I smoke 27 packs of Newports a day and drink 4 bottles of Chardonnay before lunch. So yeah...I'm a little pickled.

Andy: Yeah...you DO look like a drag queen...

Kim: What?

Andy: Um...well I've seen you without makeup, and you look 10 years younger, so why do you cake that shiz on?

Kim: I do NOT wear a lot of makeup!

Andy: (snickers) of course you don't dear...Love you!!! Ok, now Kandi you've had lipo...and Cynthia's a puker...discuss...

Kandi: (tears)

Andy: Really, Kandi? It's gonna be like that? You're gonna cry at every question I ask?

Kandi: (nods)

Andy: Fine. Whatevs. So Cynthia, that bulimia joke was a little too real and kinda not cool.

Cynthia: It was a joke! So I have cellulite, I married a jerk, AND I make bad jokes about eating disorders!!! It was a joke...ha, ha funny, get it?

Andy: Wow. I think we need to take a break. Here I thought I would white knuckle this thing sober, and it turns out...nope. SWEETIE!!! DADDY NEEDS HIS FLASK!!!

(scene)

Act 2: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Andy: And we're back with six women who absolutely terrify me...The Real Housewives of Atlanta. So Kimzee, let's talk about how you make prostitution cool. Roll the footage!

(Kim's montage rolls)

Andy: So...you went and got yourself knocked up. Well played! Why don't you ask Phaedra what your due date is! Hahahahaha! Oh man, I crack myself up.

Kim: Shut up Andy.

Andy: That weird old lady said that you would be having a BOY right now in season 2. That's crazy, how did she know that? You didn't even need to bring a lock of your mom's hair or her ashes to her like some other kook I know. Are you going to name him Andy?

Kim: Shut up Andy.

Andy: Aw c'mon...I'm just messin' with ya! Let's talk about that hot piece you scored, Kroy. How do you do it? No offense but you're...well...you and he's like 25, rich and hot. Teach me you ways Kim Zolciak, TEACH ME!!!

Kim: Well, we're in love. We'll be together forever, or until he blows out his knee and the money stops coming in.

Sheree: Holla!

Kim: Right? So yeah, unicorns and rainbows, blah, blah, blah.

Andy: Awww...I love lovesies. So NeNe what do you think about Kroy and Kim living happily ever after?

NeNe: I could care less. Stupid heffa.

Andy: You are going to do this all night, aren't you. So Kim, is Big Pappa the daddy?

Kim: Really? If I could've figured out a way to get a paycheck guaranteed for 18 years, for sure that would've happened. So obviously, no.

Andy: What about Lesbian Superstar DJ Tracy Jeff and the Fresh Prince?

Kim: Ugh...let's not go there. Nutjob.

Andy: Did you kick the smokes and the booze? Cuz the internet BLEW UP when you were out to here puffing on a Newport and sucking on a pinot.

Kim: Absolutely not. I have totally given up smokes and booze. It only took me 5 weeks to totally quit.

NeNe: Haaaaaa! Heffa, please! You stubbed one out on Sweetie's head right before we walked in!

Andy: Kandi, do you think Kim gave up the booze and smokes?

Kandi: (tears)

Andy: God, of course you're going to cry. Of course. Ok, well Kim, I'll take your word for it.

Kim: Yep, totally quit. Just need my morning cig & glass of wine, one at lunchtime to calm my nerves, and about a dozen after dark because no one can see me. So, yep. I did good.

Andy: (shakes head) Does Kroy make enough money to keep that horsehair on your head?

Kim: I make my own money because I took it from Kandi, and Sheree will tell you that NFL players make BANK.

Sheree: Holla!

Andy: Gotcha. Now Cynthia let's talk about your pathetic storyline. Especially the funeral, I mean wedding, you freaked out about for six episodes. Roll the footage!

(Cynthia's reel rolls)

Andy: Wow, ain't that some shiz. I can't believe you married that. So is Peter financially abusive?

Cynthia: Weeeeelllll...

Andy: Your mother and sister didn't want to give you the wedding license on your wedding day.

Cynthia: Weeeeeelllll....

Andy: So what is Peter doing now? Pizza delivery? Bagging groceries? Talking smack about the person that paid for that damn wedding all over the internet! That would be me, by the way.

Cynthia: Weeeeelllll...he's opening a small club, in our basement.

Andy: Please tell me you didn't give him any money.

Cynthia: Hell no.

Andy: Good. Pre Nup too?

Cynthia: Yes, oh yes there's a prenup.

Phaedra: Atta girl! Git yer money honey!

Andy: Phaedra you have a prenup?

Phaedra: Hell yeah, I do! I married an ex-con. He's pretty, but I'm not stupid.

Andy: Why did I so figure that? Anyway, back to you Cynthia, tell me why you settled for that mean old man when you could have been making sweet love and babies with Leon.

Cynthia: Weeeeellllll....Leon's great. We're great parents together, but I just don't have enough self esteem to marry my equal, so I pick jerks.

Andy: Awww...that's sadsies. But I'm bored again, so we're going to take a break while I go bust out some Just Dance 2 on my Wii.

(scene)

Act 3: Belle with Balls

Andy: And we're back after I just totally DOMINATED Dwight in Just Dance 2. So let's talk about NeNe's love for Peter. Let's roll all the footage of her humping his leg...

(Footage rolls)

Andy: Peter and NeNe sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...first comes love...

NeNe: No Andy, no. I have never, NEVAH looked at another man during my 14 years of marriage!

Kim: Ha! Except the entire defensive line of the New Orleans Saints!

NeNe: I will snap your neck you stupid heffa! Keep talking...

Cynthia: Weeeellllll...Peter doesn't even like NeNe. I think I'm the only person that does because I have extremely low self esteem. She thinks he's cute, so we'll just leave it at that.

Andy: What? Is that in the "Friendship Contract?" Bahahahaha! Oh that's funny stuff. Speaking of...PHAEDRA! Oh Phaedra it's your turn...roll it!

(Phaedra's reel rolls)

Andy: Awww....you're so cute that you act all above it all, yet you're secretly dirty. I think I might love you. But we have to clear up the canned food, packed meat thing with your husband. Was that racist?

Phaedra: What...Spaghetti-Os aren't white people problems?

Andy: Ok, point taken. And we actually FOUND pictures of you on a horse. Guess you weren't full of crap after all. Sorry NeNe, point lost there.

NeNe: Pfft...I'll get it back when you get to the ghetto baby shower!

Phaedra: Fool, when did roses become ghetto? That toupee glued on your head sideways may be ghetto, but my baby shower wasn't ghetto.

Kandi: Ummm...well...(tears) I guess you could say that something might be (tears) ghetto because it's over the top? Not cheap but tacky? (tears)

Andy: Wow, you actually said a sentence. Good for you. Yeah, I guess I understand that, or the whiskey's kicking in and it all makes sense. Oh I know what'll get NeNe mad...let's talk about you and Phaedra growing up in Athens together!

NeNe: I never knew Phakedra... EVAH!

Phaedra: Bitch please, it's a small town. I knew you, and you knew me. Not in the sense that we braided eachother's hair on Friday nights, but we knew of each other.

NeNe: Nope. You were going into High School when I was leaving High School...

Phaedra: What? No. You're the same age as my oldest brother. 48 and a half.

NeNe: I am 43. Actually, I just turned 43.

Phaedra: In dog years?

Kandi dissolves into a fit of uncontrollable giggles

Andy: Kandi, what's so funny?

Kandi: (tears) Nothing.

Andy: Whatever. So now that NeNe's good and riled up, let's bring up something else that'll set her off. I've been dying to use this new Cattle Prod I got a Brookstone the other day. So NeNe, you talked EPIC amounts of crap about Phaedra only being famous for Bobby Brown 10 years ago. What say you?

Phaedra: Bitch, all you have to do is Google me, to see what I've done.

Kim: Say "Google Me" again, and it'll cost you $10. Of which Kandi gets zilch-o.

Kandi: (tears)

Phaedra: All you have is this. If you didn't know me, why did you call me all desperate to do tv with him? It's all falling down around you NeNe...just shut up.

Andy: Awesome. It's like Phaedra has no fear. Well, I for one am afraid, so it's time for a break so we can get a PA to hit NeNe with a Tranq dart before we come back and talk about her and Kim.

(scene)

Andy: And we're back with the only non painful part of my job, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" unfortunately the PA missed NeNe with the dart and hit Sheree, so Sheree's passed out. No big whoop, she really doesn't do anything anyway. So, NeNe nobody loves you anymore. Gregg, Dwight, America...discuss.

NeNe: (Shrugs and rolls her eyes)

Andy: Would you roll your eyes at Donald Trump? Don't bite the hand that feeds you, sister. Anyway, Kim will talk to me, won't ya?

Kim: Sure, why not. I'm not all angry and jealous like some moose I know.

Andy: Oooohhhh Burn. So let's talk about your slave, Sweetie.

Kim: Andy, I pay her, so I prefer the term "indentured servant."

Andy: You don't do anything but lay around and smoke all day. Why do you even need an assistant?

Kim: Well, I occasionally walk on my own, I have my music, the book--

Andy: Book? You wrote a book? When did this happen, and you are under contract missy! How did I not know about it?

Kim: Relax it's a coloring book for Gold Diggers...

Andy: You better not screw me out of royalties like you did Kandi, because there will be a rumble if you do! Anyway, you don't see anything wrong with the way you treat Sweetie because she's black and you're white?

Kim: No. I don't see color since the whole fat burning laser thing fried my retinas.

Phaedra: Well we are only 55 years out of Brown v. Board of education so I can tell you as a black woman from the south...

Andy: (snoring) Are you done with your history lesson, Phaedra? This is a reunion special, not PBS. God this is the most boring thing ever. I'm gonna go stick a butter knife in my eye to make sure I haven't died and this is pergatory. When we come back, I'm gonna rub NeNe with money, and Kim with the scent of attention, and we're gonna light this candle!

(Scene)

Scene 4: Cats in a bag..

Andy: And we're back with the best thing to come out of Georgia since...well...I don't even know what the hell came out of Georgia ever...Jimmy Carter? Yeah, they're better than him, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta". I have rubbed NeNe and Kim with the scent of what each wants the most, money for Kim, and attention for NeNe. Right now they are being restrained by some poor interns and when I ring this bell, they're gonna fight! Yes! Ready?

**ding, ding, ding!!!**

NeNe and Kim attack each other...scratching, biting, slapping, "Sweetie!!!" "You dumb Heffa!"

**Kim's wig goes flying across Andy's face""

Andy: Now THIS is what I'm talking about! Should've done this way at the beginning. Oh well, win some...lose some. See you for part 2 next week...let's hope these two don't actually kill eachother, Sheree wakes up, Kandi quits crying, and well...you know. Ta-ta!

(scene)

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