"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Reunion Part Two Recap

So that's all she wrote with the ATL ladies, huh? Two hours of boring nothingness where we learned basically nothing, and listened to NeNe howl. I'm on the fence with Ms. Leakes. She's going through a stressful time, and trying to balance that with famewhoredom has got to just simply stress the hell out of you. But maybe NeNe needs to do some Tai Chi, or something to calm her down a little.

There were some highlights. Phaedra finally came clean about her 10lb preemie fib, Sheree was well..herself, and Kim must've stuck cotton in her ears because she acted like she couldn't hear or understand anything the whole time. I loved infinity the continuation of the dirty look-off between Kim and NeNe. That was just silly...

Although it is had to find anything to talk about, I now give you Housewives Masterpiece Theater: I Hate Your Face!

Act 1: NeNe Mc Stingypants at the Dance...

Andy: Welcome to part two of something so boring having it in an aquarium just makes you think of sleeping, The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. I'm going to try to get through this quickly because I have a mini-bar with my name on it I'm going to raid the hell out of when we're done here, so let's get started. Sheree did some "Dancing With Atlanta Nobodies" thing for her ego, and maybe a little charity, and NeNe...why did you only flip a $20?

Kim: Because that's all the bitch HAS Andy.

NeNe: Shut up you dumb heffa!

Andy: Knock it off you two. Do I need to get out the gags?

NeNe: I'll just choke her with her wig!

Andy: Neeeeeneeee, I'm warning you. One more time and it's "Say hello to my lil' friend, Mr. Cattle prod and duct tape."

NeNe: I didn't know NeNe was dancing for charity? I thought the waiter wanted a tip or something!

Andy: But you saw Kandi give substantially.

NeNe: Well she's ghetto, and I don't know what their customs are! I'm not in her wallet!

Kandi: It said charity in big yellow letters everywhere.

NeNe: Well I wasn't wearing my contacts.

Andy: Hmmm...just what I live for. A non answer. So talk about that sack of useless son of your, Brice. I hear you're gonna be a gramma! Awww...I love my Gramma.

Sheree: Ha! Gramma NeNe.

NeNe: Well at least I didn't refer to him as a "family friend," now did I? I have no idea what you're talking about Andy. Brice is a grown man. But I am nobody's Gramma.

Andy: But if Brice gets a woman knocked up and she has a baby that makes you said baby's Gramma.

NeNe: I have no idea what you're talking about Andy. That stupid heffa over there is acting like some kind of victim, and I'm telling you, if I get out this chair and punch you in your wig, you're gonna feel like a victim real quick.

Kim: huh?

Andy: No. Not the bus thing. For the love of everything holy, I just can't flog that horse anymore. So let's kick Phaedra around a bit. Phaedra, it's time to come clean about your pregnancy. There was no way in hell, that you...big enough to cause an eclipse when you walked in daylight were only five months along. I even know that.

Phaedra: Well, you know, Apollo was released in May, I think, not sure...we were engaged in July...but again, I'm fuzzy on the dates, so if you carry the one and throw a little glitter on it, I might have been maybe 6 weeks along when we got married.

Andy: May...be. Okay, I see it's "non answer" night. So Apollo's arrest and imprisonment have been hot topics with the ladies. What did he do time for?

Phaedra: Racketeering. White collar crime. Nobody's in Martha Stewart's face about her white collar crime and lying to the feds, but everyone's up in Apollo's face about it?

Andy: The hell is Racketeering? Like Tennis crimes? Hahahaha! Oh God I kill me... but no. Really. What does that even mean?

Phaedra: Organized Crime. But you know what? Who cares. Everyone acts like it's their problem that Apollo has a past, but he's my husband, so it's really only MY problem.

Andy: Ohhhhh, gotcha. Yikes. Ok well that's scary and I'm thinking we're gonna take a break here, and I'm going to go scream in a pillow and make myself a drink. Maybe when we get back, we'll get an answer out of someone other than Phaedra.

(Scene)

Act 2: Late for the Soireé

Andy: And we're back with the reason to keep drinking myself numb, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. So Kandi, let's try to give this show a little life support and talk about how Kim screwed you out of all that money you totally earned by making her not sound like a dying bag of cats being hit with a golf club on "Tardy for the Party." Discuss.

Kandi: (tears)

Andy: Aw, come ON Kandi! Stop with the tears, it's making your nose run.

Kandi: (dabs tears with end of Kim's wig) Ok, well, we agreed to split the song 3 ways, but then Kim went to her lawyer and I only got publishing.

Andy: Ouch. Douche move, Kim.

Kim: Huh? What?

Andy: And cue the convenient "Kim Zolciak deafness"...so Kandi how much did you make?

Kandi: (tears) only 3 grand! The song made a hundred!

Andy: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. A hundred? As in more than 7 people bought it? Damn. So Kim, did you think you were worth more than Kandi's effort on the track? I mean, you can't even carry a tune in a bucket.

Kandi: True THAT. I went through 7 sets of headphones, and we had to move the studio away, because we couldn't have her singing within a 9 mile radius of anywhere dogs could be.

Kim: Huh? What?

Andy: (slowly) Do. You. Think. You. Deserve. More. Than. Kandi.

Kim: Huh? What?

Andy: (throws index cards) That's it. We're taking a break and I'm going to go find a dark closet to cry in because I hate my life sometimes.

(Scene)

Andy: And we're back after I had a good long cry remembering the good old days when I worked at the Red Lobster in St. Louis...the Atlanta housewives are probably getting canceled after this, because I simply can't take the boring. So let's talk about you ladies as moms, Kim and Sheree, you're doing it on your own, and Cynthia, you have a great relationship with Leon. And Kandi, we saw Riley's dad try to get back into her life. How's that going?

Kandi: (Tears)

Andy: ohhhh...

Sheree: Yeah, it broke my heart to see Leon and Noelle dancing so lovingly at Cynthia's wedding because my kids' dad booked it across the country and told us in a text.

Andy: Oh, MAN!

Kim: Girl, please, Arianna's dad bounced when I was pregnant, and Brielle is just numb about hers not being around.

Andy: Good God, this is just sad! Stop! Quick, NeNe...say something mean to Kim!

NeNe: Third time's the charm, heffa!

Andy: Yes! Fight! Fight! Get mad, NeNe! Remember how she disrespected you on the bus! How does it feel that she stole that song from you! She's HAPPY, NeNe! Don't you just hate it? C'mon...get mad! The bus! The bus!

Kim: (rolls eyes) NeNe was just mad she wasn't getting any attention and I used the word "intern"...

NeNe: Intern? You're damn right..bloop, bloop! I'm gonna whip that wig off and make you eat it you $2 road heffa!

Kim: (rolls eyes)

Andy: (ducks under NeNe's wagging finger) Ahhh...yes. Now I feel alive again. Think we'll end it here, and I'll go see the dolphin show before I head back to New York. Sorry for it being so lame, and if NeNe blew out any of your speakers.

(End)