'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Episode 11 Recap: Cry Me a Chippendale

Well sportsfans, here we are. I thought there was the faint smell of Juvederm and Saline in the air, but I said to myself..."No, it's only Monday...Andy won't wake those beasts up til Thursday," and then there was a little buzzing around the Bravo parts that there was a new episode, and my stomach got that familiar kink in it it always does when it senses 47 minutes of stupidity and mass quantities of wine, so it had to be true.

Here I thought I would never write another recap of these awful hosebeasts again, and then last night someone said, "Jenn, do it for the children... do it for America!" and here we are. I'm recapping...my TV is busted from me hurling a glass of wine at it... and everything just seems right again.

It's nice to see that not much has changed in the Hills of Bever-heezy. Taylor is still a horrible person, Kyle makes my ass twitch, Kim is still my favorite mental case, Adrienne is cool as hell, Camille is well...Camille minus the 250lb turd burglar, crap bag known as Kelsey the Hamsack, and Lisa is still something out of a Linda Evans Drag Queen Revue. So all in all, tuning in to see these fine ladies was really like putting on an old pair of Weitzman pumps that still give you blisters and corns. Beauty is pain, people.

So let's recap... but before we do, can I just say to Bravo that I would much rather watch Giggy get his paw stuck in his footy-jammies and Roxy stealing cheese off the table for an hour? K, thanks, bye.

Anyway...

We begin this funfest with Tay-tay and Lisa having lunch together. I guess Taylor's a bit of a drunky-drunk these days and is lashing out at people...then not remembering a thing. So this is basically how that whole lunch went down...

Lisa: So what's wrong? Why go off on Camille like that? That was a bit scary!
Taylor: What? What do you mean? I didn't do anything?
Lisa: The hell you didn't, you jumped on the table, stabbed her in the eye with a cocktail pick, lit Brandi's hair on fire, and then went screaming in the street and tried to tip over your limo. Girl, you was DRUNK.
Taylor: What? I haven't a clue what you're talking about. Sure, I like my glass of wine like any girl, and since I only eat 3 snow peas a day to keep this fine grisly physique, it goes straight to my head!

I about DIED when Lisa's all "yeah...whatever, bitch is crazy." But you know Lisa, she has a habit of adopting wayward evil pretty people, last year it was Pierre Whatshisface...this year it's Taylor. Oh it's gross to watch...just gross. And you can tell they so film this crap out of order because one minute Taylor's face is all puffy and frozen from her weekly trip to "Fillers R Us" in Tijuana, and then she's just waxy looking and oozing her usual stench of evil. But whatevs... well done editing monkeys. Well freaking done.

Then there's a bunch of boringness as Camille summons her coven of DD, and LeAnn Rimes' woman scorned, Brandi Glanville. And I'm sorry, I couldn't even begin to tell you what the holy hell they were talking about because the whole time I'm just sitting there marveling at Eddie Cibrian's shitty taste in women. But I think they were squawking about Taylor being a drunk mess in an unhappy marriage. Not as if Camille should be doling out advice in this category because she's all "dump is sorry ass" when referring to Taylor's estranged bank account, errr...I mean HUSBAND, Nerd. Oh Cameelio Monster, let's not forget we have hours of footage of you boo-hooing to the camera about how much you wanted to work things out with ol' Kelsey the Hamsack. That's the problem with having your life memorialized and stuff...just saying.

Adrienne and Paul are still acting like my grandparents and bickering all the live long day. But they're boring, harmless and cute, so there's really nothing to say. Adrienne's a little miffed that Lisa isn't doing her daughter's shindig at the Palms and all, but well...that's the brakes, kid. No free infomercial for you, you're just gonna have to have your own product placement party, aren't ya?

Anywhoo... Kyle and Faye Resnick went to the Swap Meet or something and Fay dropped some fancy pants chandelier or something. Oh Damn. Get the checkbook out, Andy....this is what happens when you let housewives out in the daylight. They break stuff.

Pandora's trying on hideous wedding dresses out of some Tim Burton movie. I was waiting for Edward Scissorhands to jump out from behind the mirror and cut Lisa's hair into the shape of an eagle or something. But it was cute, I guess. "Oh Mummy, I want the pink roses!"

On to Vegas! Of course we are at the Palms and we get to see footage of Adrienne's brother being creepy with the staff. Another thing I'm sure was BRILLIANT to have on film. The rest of "Team Malloof" arrives with Camille, Brandi and whatever...Kim's supposed to be there, but she calls and says she has the runs or something. But everyone says it's because Kim's in luuuuurrrrrrvvvveeee and doesn't want to leave her boyfriend.

It's time for "Team Vanderpump" to arrive, and I almost fell off the couch laughing when they showed up at the Bellagio? Monte Carlo? Hell...Circus Circus? Hell naw! PLANET FREAKING HOLLYWOOD! Oh my stars in heaven. That's hysterical. Not that there's anything wrong with Planet Hollywood, not at all, especially when it's for a 22 year old's bachelorette party... it's just well...cheap? Yep, that's the word...cheap. Not what I would expect of a Vanderpump who turned down the Palms.

Kyle can't go because she's doing some kind of photo shoot for one of those winning pieces of literature...The Housewives Coloring Book. Did you hear her talking about it? Oh it's going to be a mess and a half! "All my passions, like fashion...style...um, cooking...pretty colors...shiny objects...yeah it's like a book and stuff, it's cool." So she took a bunch of weird pictures of herself in evening gowns in the kitchen and I guess that's a good enough reason to miss a trip to Vegas. Ok.

During this photo shoot, Kim went AWOL again. How funny was her voicemail greeting?

"Hey guys this is Kim, can't come to the phone. Actually I have no phone numbers in this phone so be sure to give me yours. Wait a minute... I don't even check my voicemail, so that won't work either. Crap, I don't even have a phone. Where's my bourbon? Oh whatever "

I freaking love Kim. I just do.

Back in Vegas it's pretty boring. No one got drunk and passed out in the gutter or anything so that's no fun. No 'Suck for a Buck" T-shirt or condom veil for the Bride...just a bunch of Chippendale's dancers. Big whoop. We did that for my Nana's 92nd birthday... Lisa got up on stage and had some freak nasty with a beefcake, but again, not that exciting. Taylor was obnoxious and weird...but you almost expect her to be at this point. It's her thing...it works.

Team Maloof over at the Palms was bowling, and it surprised me how good Camille and Brandi were. Please if there is a God let there be some kind of "Kingpin" type bowling movie where they hustle guys at bowling alleys. That would be awesome. Some random chubby girl showed up with a million dollar lollipop on a necklace thing that was creepy. Loved infinity the look on Camille's face when she saw that.

Finally...oh Finally... back to Bever-heezy and the Richards sisters. Kim is short circuiting a little because she's lonely and sad...sad and lonely... and her boyfriends a jerkface, but she's desperate and sick of being alone and it felt like a moment none of us should have been watching. It made me even want to sit in the dark and cry into a bottle. Ugh. And you could sense the secret glee in Kyle that her sister was falling apart and making a mess all over the place, and it irked me. Kyle bugs. Kyle bugs big time.

So I guess that's it for this week. Next week Kim and Brandi get into it and that should be good, because Brandi's so dumb she has trouble remembering to breathe, and Kim is hysterical in a fight.