"Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" Reunion Part Two Recap

Well, not as many fireworks in this part of the reunion, but entertaining enough. We finally got all of the details on what happened with Cedric, Kim's drinking problem, and we still hate Taylor, right?

So without any further delay and babbling on my end, I now give you...

Housewives Masterpiece Theater Part Deux: Beverly Hills Redemption

Scene 1: Bullies and Urchins

Andy: Ok, we're back with the second part of proof that I will do just about anything for money, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part 2. So let's just jump right in, I've been drinking for 6 hours straight anyway, so I'm not feeling much. I know what'll get these bitches riled up...Camille you said Kyle is a bully...discuss...

Camille: Well she is. She started the whole 'delusional' thing...

(Kyle gives Camille the cold hard stare and makes the "slit your throat' motion)

Camille: See?! Did you see that? She just threatened to slit my throat! That's way harsh, Tai.

Kyle: Yes Camille it was. I do things to make myself feel superior to others and hide my low self esteem, through thug intimidation, okay? I believe you heard what you heard when I asked why anybody would give two poops about you without Fraiser around. I didn't say it, but you heard it. Voices, head and all that.

Camille: Stop it, stop it, you are a BULLY!

Andy: Kyle, I can hear you cracking your knuckles, knock it off, she-hulk. Kim you look like you're going to wet your pants. What's up?

Kim: Well...um...I...um...well...Kyle...you...see... the thing is...um...I was there and...um...well...Kyle...can I have a sip of that, Andy? My nerves are shot.

Andy: Here, I hear ya.(passes flask) Do you think Kyle bullied Camille?

Kim: (swigs Andy's flask) No...um...no...Kyle...well Kyle is an angel sent from heaven. When she hits you and calls you terrible things, it's because that's what Mom and God want.

Camille: Well she bullies the hell out of you, Kim. Look at you, you're shaking like a damn leaf. Are ya happy, Kyle? You can't break me because I have no soul, but look what you've done to your sister!

Lisa: Now stop right there, Kyle's not a bully, she's just mean and full of rage. There's a difference dahling. One's a crime, the other is just a personality flaw.That's why I put this sack of bones Taylor between us.

Andy: Wow. No joke. So Camille, because I enjoy throwing gas on fires just so I feel something let me ask you about the other nonsense you spewed. Are you going to blame every stupid thing you said on Fraiser mind effing you the whole time?

Camille: Blame it on him, it's a fact. You deal with that a-hole and see if you keep all your mental faculties. There's a reason we haven't seen David Hyde Pierce in years. Jane Leeves just returned to TV after years of shock therapy. Kelsey does a number on you. That stewardess he's schtupping doesn't stand a chance.

Andy: But you called yourself Jesus...that's some messed up stuff.

Camille: Well, I was just being an idiot obviously. And screw your editing monkeys for stringing together every stupid thing I said over five months.

Kyle: What about that horrible stuff you said about Mauricio banging the Nanny! Don't blame that on Kelsey...he actually IS banging the nanny, ok?

Andy: Ha! That was awesome, did he bang the nanny or were you just being mean.

Camille: Well, when Allison set up the shot, I made the kill, what can I say. Maybe he shouldn't be so friendly, if ya know what I mean.

Kyle: I will fly across this room and pop out that rolling eyeball of yours!

Andy: That's ok, I'm bored...let's talk about something else. Like Cedric. Roll the footage...I gotta go refill this flask since Kim Bogarted the whole thing.

Kim: Sorry. I'm nervous...

(Footage of Cedric and Lisa rolls)

Andy: So, Lisa, you and Cedric aren't besties forevs anymore.

Kyle: She finally wisened up to the fact that his French Street Urchin schtick was nothing but BS. He just wanted his 15 minutes is all...

Camille: Bahahaha! Hello pot, this is kettle...

Kyle: Bitch, I will cut you!

Lisa: Oh, I don't know. We asked him to leave, he got mad about something, packed all of his stuff in Jeeves suitcases, tried to blackmail me, and left.

Kyle: Yeah! She even filed a POLICE Report!

Lisa: Jesus Kyle, shut up. I didn't want anyone to know that part! Are Taylor's lips preventing oxygen from entering your brain?

Kyle: oh...sorry...I needed more camera time...

Taylor: Right?

Andy: (facepalms) Ok, so Cedric has his side of the story in this clip. I gotta pee...watch what he has to say about the breakup.

(Cedric's montage rolls)

I don't know what came over her, it's like my lies and manipulation stopped working on her or something. Yes I asked her for money, but it was just the salary due to me as a pet gay. We're unionized now, you know. Anyway, I'm taking acting classes, and I'm coming to a Carnival Cruise Ship revue of Cabaret near you! Cheers!

Andy: It still cracks me up to this day that you even fell for that. Money can't buy you common sense, it seems. So awesome. I love it. Next time you kick a con artist out, make sure our cameras are there...okay? Well, it's time for a break...

(scene)

Scene 2: The Ballad of the Loveless Marriage

Andy: And we're back with the reason why you never meet that older man at a rest stop in Hoboken just because he promises you a career in Television, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." So as you all know, I hate Taylor. She's simply awful, let's roll the footage and make fun of her for a few minutes, ok?

(Taylor's montage from the season rolls)

Andy: hahahahahahahaha...oh God, I'm crying it's just so funny. No one loves you because you are a vapid, empty shell of a person. Hahahahaha....Oh God...

Taylor: Geeze Andy, it wasn't that funny. Nerd loves me! He loves me! He does!

Andy: Sure, he does...help me out here, Lisa. I need a tissue...

Lisa: She's a cold fish and he's made of wood. The end.

Camille: Honey, just cut your losses and get half of everything. And play LOTS of Tennis.

Kim: Yeah, you need to not be such a horrible person. Like slamming the car door on his hand wasn't very loving. And when you got drunk and yelled across the club in Vegas that he was impotent wasn't very nice either. Maybe you should try being a little nicer, Taylor.

Taylor: I'm sorry Kim, how many times have you been married again? Doesn't everyone leave you because you're a lush? Do I have that right?

Andy: Just when I have a spark of hope that you aren't truly despicable, there you go being despicable again, Taylor. Ok, when we come back, I'll dangle a $100 bill on a string and lure the husbands that are actually left out here.

(scene)

Scene 3: It's raining men

Andy: We're back with the reason my parents disowned me and tell everyone I died in an unfortunate windsurfing accident in Dubai, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We managed to get the husbands out here for some fun...like poking them with a stick. Let's start with Paul. So are you terrified of your wife?

Paul: Yes. Ducking is essential.

Andy: Prenup?

Adrienne: Hell yeah, we have a prenup! Are you kidding? He's not getting any of my money...

Andy: Do any of you guys have a prenup?

All: Nope.

Lisa: Dahling, they didn't even have those things in the 19th century when Jeeves and I got married.

Andy: You all are D-U-M dumb. Anyway, Nerd. You hate Taylor, right?

Nerd: Yep. Why do you think I lock myself in my office for 80 hours a week? Most of the time I'm just playing solitaire and listening to my Kenny G albums.

Andy: So would I...and Jeeves, what about you? Did you wring that little French Urchin's neck before you left?

Jeeves: Of course I did! Ungrateful little wanker! I had him papered just like Giggy and this is how he repays me? I bloody kicked his waxed ass straight out of my house!

Andy: Great. Next time, just make sure we have cameras rolling the next time you kick a con artist out of your house, ok?

Jeeves: Bloody Hell.

Andy: Mauricio, don't talk. I just want you to know you are a hot piece and we have ordered triple the shirtless scenes for next season... Well this whole segment was a huge waste of time. Let's take a break so I can grab one of those salmon rolls they just put out on the craft services table.

(scene)

Scene 4: Denial, Denial, Denial

Andy: And we're back with why I start drinking at 6am, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...so Kim...Kim...KIM WAKE UP!

Kim: Huh? What? Mommy I want to take the day off!..Huh? Oh hey Andy, what's up?

Andy: So Kim...you seeing anyone?

Kim: Well...uh...um...not technically...but um...yeah...I'm seeing someone! Yes! I'm not totally unlovable like Kyle says, I'm totally normal!

Andy: What about you Adrienne, you have like 45 bothers, hook a sister up!

Adrienne: Ha! Are you kidding me? You have to be kidding me. No. Noooooo...

Andy: Well that's sad. It's all so sad. So let's take a look at Kim's sad, sad, life this season.

(Kim's montage rolls)

Andy: Damn that's sad. And Kyle's mean. Do you think Kyle's mean, Kim? It's ok Kim, you're in a safe place, why don't you draw me a picture of the way Kyle makes you feel.

(Kim draws a picture of a noose and tears)

Kim: I...I....um...well...she can be tough...but...well...she's a lot like mom...and mom was...um the best ever. The best. No really, the best.

Kyle: Oh man the hell up Kim, you quivering mess...here's the deal. This is MY time. MINE. I never got my fame because I was only getting bit parts in crap shows because "Ms Witch Mountain" over there was snapping them all up like it was her job or something. So guess what, I get a little bit of spotlight, ok? Yeah...so I ride her and keep my knee firmly pressed onto her back so she doesn't spring up and take it back from me. It's KYLE'S TIME! KYLE'S TIME!

Andy: Wow, no wonder you are friends with Taylor...just wow. Camille, you have enough guts to stand up to her, what do you think?

Camille: She's a BULLY! Hel-LO! Look at Kim, just look at her! She's sucking her thumb, for chrissakes!

Andy: Ok, so fine...let's talk about that night. Where Kyle flew like a rage ninja across the back of that limo and try to kill Kim...

Taylor: Yesssss! Finally! You're a drunk, you're a drunk! Haaaaa!

Andy: Hag, you started that fight! Sit down.

Taylor: What? What are you talking about? I just went over to her at my party and I'm all, "Hey Kim, let's be friends" and then she pulled a knife on me! She got drunk and then got all 'stabby' everywhere!

Andy: That didn't happen.

Taylor: Yes it did! She jumped up and stabbed me! I just wanted to be friends, but because she's such a DRUNK she went nuts.

Andy: You are the worst person ever. Really. And I even know Jill Zarin...you're worse. Way worse. Let's just cut to the chase. What was your DEAL that night, Kyle?

Kyle: I'm not discussing that.

Andy: But it was like the most important part of the whole season.

Kyle: I'm not discussing that.

Andy: Great, that's just great. Kim...Kim...tell me, how did Kyle make you feel?

(Kyle flies across the room, flops next to Kim and puts her in a headlock)

Kyle: I SAID WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT NIGHT!!!!

KIm: I'm passed that night Andy, Kyle says so. I'm not talking about it.

Andy: (Throws index cards at them): Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! You mean I just sat through 12 hours of the most mind numbing bullcrap and you two aren't going to talk about the big thing people are watching this for? God! To hell with you, to hell with all of you! I went to school to be a Marine Biolgist! And look! Look! I'm sitting with a bunch of frozen faced soul-less hags that just clammed up on me. MotherF&%%*!!! (rips off mike) Screw all of you, I'm going home. Eff this...EFF IT ALL!!!

Fade to black...(scene)

Scene 5: Tasteful Spreads

Andy: And we're back because I just got a call from Jack Donaghuey that I am contractually obligated to finish this crap whether it sucks or not, and that house in the Hamptons isn't going to pay for itself, so I'm gonna man up and DO THIS. So just because I don't effing care anymore, let's reopen another wound and talk about Allison Dubois, the electric crack pipe, Faye Resnick, and the dinner party from the seventh circle of Hades...

(footage of the dinner party rolls)

Andy: So Camille, what's your beef with Faye Resnick?

Camille: She shook my hand gave me the stink eye at my house, so I knew Kyle had been talking crap.

Andy: But you were talking crap with Allison too, so whatever... but why call her morally corrupt after you did porn?

Camille: Grinding on Showtime After Dark IS NOT PORN!!! And I'm sorry, but when you write a book about your dead friend and get yourself a centerfold on her not even cold grave, that's morally corrupt.

Andy: Point, Camille...what say you, Kyle?

Kyle: I still think it's porn. A tasteful spread and porn are two different things.

Camille: Hey, hey, hey! No one saw MY beave, thanks very much. And I'm sorry, you have family members who's claim to fame is getting pounded in night vision so don't waive that morality flag too high there, sister. I got my money the old fashioned way. Gold Digging.

Kim: BURN AND A HALF! Oh wait...she was talking about Paris again wasn't she...damn. I keep falling for that one.

Camille: Not to mention that Resnick slut was showing my nudey pics in the back of their car after the party!

Kyle: She didn't do that...I did that.

Camille: Well you're a horrible person then. Who does that. Sicko. You set me up.

Kyle: I DID NOT. I DID NOT SET YOU UP. I KEEP ALL OF MY FRIENDS NUDEYS ON MY BLACKBERRY!!!!

Camille: That's just weird.

Lisa: What the hell are we even fighting about. You both got naked on camera. So bloody what. Own it. I did a snuff film in the 30's I'm not ashamed of in the least. If it's out there, it's out there.

Andy: And we have to end it there, because I'm at the end of my ever loving rope. So that's a wrap on season 1 of this mess. Any regrets ladies?

Lisa: Well, not really dahling...

Taylor: I might not have said "Oklahoma" like that...

Andy: Really Taylor, that's IT? Ugh...

Kyle: Let's see...um...I would've kept Kim's beatings off camera, and had more camera time.

Adrienne: I'm not insane like these bitches, so no. No regrets.

Kim: Um...well...Kyle's the best sister ever...um...well...uh...no.

Camille: I regret making myself look like an ass. A-DUH!

Andy: Great. I hope to milk you cash cows again next year. Until then, I'm heading to Thailand to obliterate the memories made here. I have to have a clean slate before I have to see those Atlanta heffas. Tah-tah-for now!

(scene)

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