Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap 5/31/10

Well, Danielle, if it were actually YOUR party...then fine.

We'll get to that mess in a minute, but first, let's visit Teresa, and her new baby Unicorn, Audriana Pizzacana. Unfrozen Caveman Joe loads everybody in..

"Ay oh, T, we gonna need a bigger caddy. Cuz the bakers dozen I want won't fit in just dis Escalade here."

"Joooooe, naw Joe, I'm done honey. You gotta get snipped. I don't want 10 kids." (Baker's dozen is um... 13?)

"Ay oh, T, I ain't that guy. No one's cuttin deese bawls off. You like that it works an' stuff!"

And the gates to the Marble Mausoleum open, and the Giudice family is complete.

Let's go have a drink with Danielle and her new BFF Kimmy Da G. Where, I don't know... they blither blather about something, the Blackhawks are in the Stanley Cup, so I went to check the score...but when I get back Danielle's showing off some fug tennis bracelet, and says "hey, I'm not gonna brag, but it took a lot of $1 bills in a g-string to get this."

Off to the Manzo's we go...where we get to see Chris (look! I learned his name! Death threats work like that :) I kid..I kid) And his best friend, Kimmy Da G's Son, Johnny Da G. And how do we welcome guests in Casa de Manzo???

HAM GAME!!!

And Caroline takes a shot right between the eyes...

We also hear that Kimmy da G asked Caroline to lunch, and Caroline declined because she doesn't want any Bermuda Danielle Friendship Triangle to affect the boys' relationship. Awww...good Momma!

Dina takes a drive out to the Marble Mausoleum to visit her GodUnicornDaughter, and we see my favorite Giudice child, crazy hurricane Melania, taking scissors to a flat screen. Awesome. My 3 year old isn't even allowed to look at the big TV, but Melania can't be tamed, people!

So the ladies crack open the Countessa Vodka, and kibbitz about Danielle and blahs...

Dina calls her a sociopath...

Teresa: Yeah..she's a psychopath, or what you said.

Dina: Sociopath

Teresa: She was good at Social Studies? How do you know?

Dina: SO-CIO-PATH, like Charles Manson, but with worse hair.

Teresa: Charlie Brown is bald, you silly Dina!

Dina sighs and takes a drink... and I love Teresa even more. NASA needs to give her a call.

So back to the Manzo clan and the kiddos, Don Albie, Rizzo Jr., Lunkhead Ashley, and Blockbuster Boy Derek, all go have dinner together. Aww...cutesville! Don Albie let's Derek know that there will be no nonsense with the Lunkhead, if you know what he means. Derek says, "Yes, Don Albie, understood".. and Rizzo Jr. jumps in, "yeah, cuz we know Lunkhead is um..special...so we'll deal witchyou accordingly." And they return to eating while the camera zooms in on Lunkhead Ashley staring blankly at a lime wedge.

Jacqueline heads over to Derek's Mom's house, and they havve a chat about their shared fear of Derek and Ashley procreating. Derek's mom tells Jax that Ashley scrubs toilets and does calculus voluntarily every single day. That boom, boom, crash was the stagger and faint of Jax when she hits the marble floor in shock.

But Derek's mom agrees, she doesn't want any duplicates of those boneheads, so she and Jax shake on no grandchildren. Then get wasted in the living room. Awesome.

Back to the Casa de Manzo, where Caroline instructs Chris to treat Danielle well, as she will be a guest, but if she gets out of line, an Uzi will be acceptable. Chris nods. I feel as if this has been a conversation they have had before.

Time to head over to the Marble Mausoleum, for Gia's 9th birthday party. It's a crazy pink thing with spas and whatever. All this segment did was make me feel horrible for giving my oldest a party at Chuck E. Cheese and getting her a Razor scooter, because Gia got a freakin' 4 wheeler. And girlfriend knew her way around a bike! Did you see that?!

Best part was my favorite rocket scientist screeching. "No water puddles, GIA! No WATER PUDDLES!"

As opposed to say... Hot Lava Puddles... or Nuclear Waste Puddles. Thanks for differentiating that for us, T. I would've been confused. And also thanks for clarifying that you don't raise Lesbians, you raise Divas. Which is exactly what I was thinking when the totally girlie, FOUR WHEELER, was unloaded and your daughter jumped on that thing like it was a big Harley, and there was a K.D. Lang concert she was late for. Yep. Diva.

It's time for the big shindig! Kimmy da G shows up in a Bentley to Skeletor's Lair. She and Danielle are kissy kissy, aren't we besties. And they go sit in Danielle's kitchen and talk about those "hawwwrible Manzo's" yadda, yadda, blither, blather. I'm slightly distracted by Danielle having my patio furniture in her kitchen with drips of something all over the cushions. Look closely. Gross. Then the giant dinosaur TV on the kitchen floor behind my patio table. Did actual kitchen furniture get repo'ed?

Kimmy da G, is going to have Danielle's back. Let's hope she doesn't break a hip tossing Chris into the valet stand. But she does say something kinda smart.."Do ya think they'll get all weird at a sick baby's fundraiser? Maybe Chris, the strip club car wash entrepreneurial valet boy, won't even let us in."

And with perfect timing...DING DONG...

It's Johnny Kneecaps coming to escort the beautiful Danielle, to the shindig.

"Ay oh, Beverly, I dressed up..look, I even wore sleeves. Aren't yous impressed?"

I'm impressed Johnny. Thanks.

So Kimmy da G offers Johnny a drink and he's all, "Ay oh, thanks Kimmy, but I gots 6 more days of parole, so I'mma have to pass. But thank yous for your kindness and hospitality."

Kimmy da G's big "uh-oh" look is awesome. I'm wiling to bet he's not at all what she had in mind!

Off to the tattoo parlor where Unfrozen Caveman Joe is getting his unicorn's name tatted on his humongo arm. He can't spell it, so he's glad Teresa is there. She's smart and stuff. But I think when they showed that big hamhock of his, Melania's name was spelled wrong. Didn't it say "Millie" or something?

"Ay Oh T! Yous should get inked. That'd be hot n stuff. Like a big ol' tramp stamp. Cuz yous my tramp. My lady is a tramp."

"Naw Joey! Naw! You don't put bumper stickers on Ford Escorts! Ruin's the paint finish. And I don't wanna ruin the paint finish on this classy chassis."

Okaaaay. I love her. I do. Because she like innocent "smart" not moron "smart" like Sasquatch Kelly Besimon. I know girls like Teresa, she is a lot like my neighbor. And I don't have to worry about her reading this because um...well.. reading (giggles).

We return to the girls drinking again. Those bottles of Countessa Vodka are HUGE and only $9.99 at Walmart! Where we learn that Rizzo gets a 5 o'clock shadow and everyone's slightly horrified as she describes shaving it everyday, and how bad it gets on a full moon.

Yikes. Just Yikes.

It's time for the par-taaaay! We head to the Brownstone to see what's about to go down.

There's a Lunar Eclipse, it rains locusts, the Bentley shows up, and well, Chris runs like the wind. Run boy, run. Kimmy, Danielle, and Johnny Kneecaps get out, and Kimmy chases poor Chris down.

"Hey Mrs. Da G. You're a bit overdressed. It's not that kind of party and you're in for a big surprise."

Which a sane person figures out that this event is put on by a bunch of hunting rednecks, and the silent auction is Pappy's rusty crossbow he got 2 bucks in one shot with. And the grand prize is Grandma's 12 gauge she shot Pappy with. So in other words, the dress code was flannel and Wrangler jeans. You know, your church clothes.

But of course, it's taken as some kind of sinister plot by the Manzos against Danielle. Of COURSE. Because the world is out to get her. All of us. Out. To. Get. Her.

Anyways, lookie over there! It's the Franklin Lakes chapter of the Hell's Angels! And Johnny Kneecaps best friend Vinny the Enforcer! Now THIS is exactly what a fundraiser for a sick baby needed! Bikers and ExCons! Yes! Take notes St. Jude! Take notes!

So the entourage from hell demands seating, food and drink...for free. Yep. I'm sure it's only a $100 a plate dinner, and they want $1100 worth of food or shizz will get very real, very fast and this place will go up in flames.

The little seating lady is like, "Danielle, you and Kimmy are at the "Alice's Diner" table." And attempts to show her the seat that's PAID FOR!

And then the hilarity ensues. Oh boy, did it. Turns out, the rednecks don't want the riff-raff there and says something to his Holiness, Albert. Even though to keep the peace, a table is being set up for those swell pieces of society.

But noooooo....not good enough for Skeletor! No! So she makes a huge scene and takes her boys outta there! This party is about her, remember. HER. She brought her friends to put the even in the red, and how dare they not recognize greatness!

OMG... I think I just hurled the first glass of wine at the TV this season.

So that's how it ended. Putting the "K" in Klassy as usual. Go Jersey.

Next week we get to see the flesh melt off Dina's face as she breathes fire and incinerates Danielle. Jax asks Lunkhead if she put bottle rockets in Danielle's mailbox, and other stuff happens. Should be a barrel of monkeys!