'Real Housewives of New Jersey' Season 3 Premiere Recap

Hold me. I need a hug after what we watched last night. Remember the quaint old times when all we had was a little melodrama and a busted weave in Danielle Staub's fist?

Now we have fights! Actual bloodbaths right in the middle of a christening! You've upped your game, Jersey... and I like it! So let's recap...



Teresa



Our belov©d Tree is back and...well...more... is stubborn the word? There is definitely a palpable bitterness in her this season, and while her life sure has gone into the crapper in the last year, she just insists on digging her heels in and riding that crashing plane all the way into the ravine screaming, "Love, love, love! Fabulicious! Love my Joey!" Ugh. Teresa! You can't convince us that the sky isn't blue when clearly it is, by screaming and insisting that it is purple. You just can't. We all know you are in hell right now. Greed and booze has turned your Joe into a shit head, and you're going down with him. You know it, we know it, your kids know it, so let's stop pretending, ok?



But I do admire Teresa's work ethic and when things are getting bad, girlfriend got her hussle on and pimped that Skinny Italian: Open that can of Chef Boyardee! like a... well I don't want to tell that joke here, but you know what I mean.



So nothing new with ol' Teresa this year so far. She is on the outs with her brother Joe, new cast member Melissa Gorga's husband, and nothing either side said made a bit of sense. It was all, "They grew apart," "Teresa doesn't know how to be a sister," "Joe Giudice stole Joe Gorga's dad"... so you know it has to be about money. My educated guess? The Giudices got a LOT of money from Papa Gorga, and Papa Gorga didn't give his son bumpkiss, because he's not Daddy's little girl. And Teresa married a weasel that can apparently manipulate just about anyone. And it just seems to me that Teresa might have, maybe just a little, let her basic cable tv fame get to her head, alienating her family. That's my guess anyway...



Kathy Wakile



Do we love Kathy? I think we love Kathy. Sure she's a little bit of a cuckoo bird riding her bike to the market in what appeared to be a hurricaine... but she seems like a sane balance to this mess of a cast. She's got a nice husband, is squarely on Team Gorga, and Teresa doesn't like her because Kathy's husband asked questions about the ridiculous spending they were doing. Hmmm....now why would that offend her? But so far we like Kathy. We like her lots.



Caroline Manzo



Stooooooooop, it Caroline. Stop with the empty nesting already! It's borderline creepy at this point. Golden God Albie and forgotten brother, Doug, are now 43 and 42 respectively, and venturing out to a little apartment right smack-dab in the middle of the mean streets of Hoboken. Caroline is beside herself! She never wanted them to leave before the age of 50! How could they do this to her?! Wasn't it a little uncomfortable when Lauren's all, "But you still have me, mom!" and Caroline's like, "Oh yeah...great. The girl." Poor Lauren!



The other segment with the Manzo clan was just horrible and hard to watch. The boys are obviously mugging for the cameras, Doug doing his marginal Slingblade impression and everyone clapping like the kid just shat out a gold brick. Then the making fun of people from the South, and Caroline insisting everyone in Arkansas eats Ragu. Charming.



Lauren's betrothed, Vito, stops by, Doug announces he's quitting the Brownstone with no new prospects beyond Reality TV, not sure what Albie is doing besides being pretty and it was boring and weird.



Jacqueline Laurita



Oh Jax. Still just sitting there doe-eyed waiting to become a grown up, I guess. Blink. Blink. Blink. Form a thought. Blink. Blink. Blink. Thanks for your contribution to the show as always! We all know that good ol' Lunkhead Ashley is the reason that Jax is even on this show still. Lunkhead is just Reality TV gold!



So anyway, Lunkhead got an internship at a Lizzie "Drive a Range Rover into a crowd high" Grubman's PR firm, and she's just going places! Good for her! Lizzie's a PR whiz, just don't learn anything else from her. Get coffee, order lunch, google the clients, file the pressers, answer the phones, and make sure the Blackberrys are all charged. That's what PR interns DO, people! And according to L.Grub, Ashley's good at it! One day she's be good enough to pay!



But now that Ashley has tasted the bright lights and big city, she wants Jax and Chris to buy her a pony get her an apartment. Jax is all, "hell naw, child! You get an actual PAYING job and do it your damn self!" which made Lunkhead short circuit, stamp her feet and hold her breath until she passed out. Glad she's working on those entitlement issues.



So Chris steps in and talks to her like a damn three year old, "Now Ashley, you can't have a pony , get an apartment until you can pay for one..." and Lunkhead sulked while Jax pointed and giggled in her oh so motherly mocking way, and it was nice to see that not much has changed here either.



Melissa Gorga



Praise Jesus! We have another housewife that loves to toss around the big J-man's name! And why can't she put lotion on her own legs? Are we supposed to be turned on with her husband greasing them up and licking her toes, then offering some butt cheek action? Is that sexy? I guess so, since Melissa was praising Jesus all over the place.



What do we think of Melissa? Welllll, I hate to break it to y'all, but I find them to be Giudice 2.0. But a little nastier, yes? I mean, not outright nasty like, "Is bitch bettah you prostitution whooooore!" but in the whole passive aggressive stink eye, quiet instigation kind of way. You know the girl! The one that quietly tells you to "eff off" and then puts on her deer in headlights face while you are screaming, "the hell did you just SAY TO ME?" And she looks around the room like, "What? What's wrong? Are you ok?" Yeah... that's Melissa. She's that stuck up-pass agg girl that likes to stir, stir, stir that pot then shrug her shoulders when everyone was fighting. Oh, and she's a slave in the house, a lady in the parlor (is this the 1800's?) and a hobag in the sack, too. Swell.



The Fight



Ok, let's talk about the main event, and that's little Joey #14's Christening. I know I had a lot to say about these Jersey Eye-talians and their crazy christenings with the melting crosses, the big banquet halls, everyone wearing something short and shiny, the baby dressed up like the Pope... it's nuts to me. Why doesn't everyone just stand in a circle and light $100 bills on fire?! Here in the Chi, you go to the Golf Club, or a nice VFW, put some Ziti out on a sterno and have your cousin Nicky DJ, watch Noni shake it to Rumpshaker, and call it a night. Sure the occasional brawl breaks out between Chris #24 and Joey #19, but all in all it's just a good time.



First Juicy all of a sudden had the runs, and decided to stay home from the ceremony with lil' Penne Rigati. Anybody else find it odd that Evelyn the hairdresser is shared by Teresa and Melissa, yet dresses the baby, too? Can I find a hair-did-er that will get my baby dressed, too?



AnyWHO, Teresa heads to the ceremony with middle daughters Ravioli and Lasagna while big sister Gia peaces out of that mess and heads to a Gymnastics competition. Which made Melissa snark a bit, but she obviously hasn't a clue about what it means to be a team gymnast. And it's just a christening... the baby is only three months old.



I guess Teresa shows up late, and again, Melissa is squawking about it...but it seems like Teresa can't win for losing with this crowd! She showed up! However, there is so much more to this story that we don't know...



At the reception things already are going to be a mess, you just know it, because the Grey Goose is basically being passed around with a straw in it. Joe Gorga (I need to come up with a nick name for him...how about Joey Knuckles? I like it.) is TANKED about 7 minutes into the thing offers Juicy a shot, Juicy declines, because he's not driving (get it?) and the women are being stupid about Melissa's sisters, one of them being a double agent, setting Teresa up.



Eventually, Teresa decides that she's going to go over and congratulate her brother for his son getting water dumped on his head and having all of the demons chased away (that is what we're celebrating here, right?) and Melissa is like, "Now?"



See that Melissa? POOP STIRRER. Nice girl, likes to stir herself some shit though...



Naturally it gets Teresa's blood boiling, and words are flung, people are cawled gawbage, f-bomb this, f-bomb that, then Joey Knuckles for no apparent reason, maybe over-served a bit, slams the table and declares that "It's on like Donkey Kong, now!"



Out of nowhere like a Meatball Ninja comes Juicy, and holy hell breaks loose! "Joey No!" "Joey Stop!" "Teresa put that woman's skull back on!" madness, I tell you! Makes the Posche fashion show from last year look like a quiet English Tea, doesn't it?



In the end, everyone retreated to their corners, the Giudices left, and the Gorgas finished what was left of the party, until Papa Gorga called Joey Knuckles a pussy or something. Did you hear that? Papa Gorga was not happy! So what did Joey Knuckles do tot show the world he's not a giant pansy ass? Push his mom and cry to his dad. And his dad is all, "Kiss my ring, pansy." I about DIED. Poor Joey Knuckles. He shoulda been a contenduh.



So that was funtimes. Nothing like an epic brawl to set the tone for the season! Seems like it's going to be a lot of piling on Teresa and Juicy, so we'll just have to see how that goes! What did you think of the premiere bringing the crazy right out of the gates?



Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/#ixzz1MdZNSHET