'Real Housewives of Miami' Premiere Recap

1. Everyone's calling this show a giant ball of suck, but remember that the first episode is always a suckfest because we have to hear everyone's boring life stories, learn their names, and yadda yadda. We can't have weaves getting pulled right out of the gates. Our blood pressures slowly need to build, or else we'll all stroke out by episode 3.

2. RHONY must suuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkk....with a capital "S," if this beige paint in a beige room with beige shag carpeting is better than a fourth season of Nueva York.

Now that we have those points out of the way, let's recap. Since it was the pilot and all intros, basically, let's just acquaint ourselves with the ladies this week, shall we? I think they're all named Adriana, right? Adriana Uno...Adriana Dos...

Of course, I'm kidding...let's start with Adriana

Adriana

So Adriana is an art dealer, which is always code for something (allegedly!), and while she boasts about knowing five languages, she says she can land a man with only two words. And I'm thinking they aren't "Dinner's Ready."

And blah, blah, blah she has a hot piece named Frederic with a boat, walked in Miami fashion week...but did bring the best moment of the night when she said her ex has hooked up with a 17 year old "escort girl" and rocket scientist Marysol said, "Nascar girl?" and Housewives shouted back in unison, "No! ESCORT GIRL!"

I die. Twice.

Lea

Um...Lea's ok, but slightly weird isn't the word...perhaps eccentric might be better. Commissioning an oil painting of your son above the pool is well... eccentric. She's also a "People Collector" which sounds a bit Dahmer-ish if you ask me, but I guess it's just celebrities you can name drop all over the place and not put in your freezer.

So i guess Lea's ok, she's kind of inserted herself as the mother-Caroline of the group, so we'll see how this goes.

Larsa

Larsa is married to canonized saint of the Chicago Bull's dynasty, his holiness and Michael Jordan's wingman, Scottie Pippen. Larsa has four adorable kiddos, and is about as exciting as dirt. But knowing Scottie Pippen is a Yogi was worth it, I guess.

I would type more about Larsa, but there's nothing to say...

Marysol

Let me come right out and say that I like Marysol, and her bananas mother. She has the largest PR Firm in Miami...a whole 12 people. Which, I know she's getting punked for that, but PR Firms are not huge unless they're in New York or LA. Doesn't mean she's not awesome, it just means that Miami's kind of like Mayberry as far as entertainment goes.

Anyhoozer, if you're on the fence about this show, Marysol's mother is the reason to watch. I think when they were doing whatever they did to her face, the connection from her brain to her mouth was severed. Bound to be a hoot.

Alexia

Well, any housewife with the prefix Alexi- in her name is about as smart as bait it seems, which is why Alex McCord just left it at Alex. You see, Alexia is the Cuban Barbie, only not really because obviously she is alive and Barbie is just an inanimate doll. WOW. That's some deep stuff. She also doesn't know what grass fed beef is either. It's really hard to figure things out when their function is implied in their name and all.

Christy

Christy is incredibly boring too, maybe it's something about NBS wives on this show. Remember the DeShawn Snow? The only interesting thing about Christy is that her psychic makes house calls. Please note, Richard's sisters.

So that's the Mujeres de Miami. They did their stupid little mixing activities like fashion shows and cooking.. I'll give it a chance. We have short memories and forget that Beverly Hills had a slow start, and quickly became epic appointment TV, whereas Atlanta shot out of the gates and fizzled quickly after six episodes. I think people are stinging after RHONY was pulled, and have the bar set a little too high for Miami.

It certainly won't be any worse than DC, so there's that. Nothing could be worse than that.

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