'Real Housewives of Orange County' Episode 11 Recap

Anybody actually stay awake through last night's show? Anybody? If you did, donate your brain to science, because it was nearly impossible to keep your eyes open through the constant droning, and droning and droning. Not to mention, if you have to switch over to "Desperate Housewives" to stay awake, these are some bad times. But I did get a little excited when I thought I flipped back to OC, and everyone's standing in the living room with a dead body in the coffee table. I was like, "well the Tamra vs. Gretchen thing has been decided, finally." But no, that was the other Housewives. The pretend ones...unfortunately the ones we're about to discuss are actual real life creatures.

So where or where to begin! Why San Antonio, of course! Gretchen was done taping her awful infomercials for her Mexican gasoline makeup and handbags, so it was time to put houseboy love interest, Slurge Singlehopper back on the Greyhound to Newport Beach, and have Peggy, Alexis, and Fernanda (what the WHAT? Isn't Fernanda Tamra's?) come on down to Texas for a "girls gone drunk" weekend.



Of course there had to be SHOPPING before this trip! And designer to no-one, Alexis Bellino, took her pet gay assistant to the Western store to go git herself some boots and assless chaps or something.



Speaking of... what was UP with those Daisy Dukes ol' Fundy Funbags was wearing throughout the episode? Girlfriend is on the wrong side of 30 with 3 too many kids to be wearing those things. And gracias to the Bravo film crew for shooting straight up her hoo-hah when she got on the bull...no really, THANKS. I swear to Jeebus Sanchez on a Cookie, these housewives and their body parts are starting to become my Vietnam.



AnyWHO, where the hell was I... oh yeah, Alexis was let out of her cage for exactly 20 minutes to go buy some ugly cowboy boots. She asked if they carried the "Good Christian" style, you know...pink, bedazzled, and with a four inch heel... the poor sales guy of course facepalmed and said "no" and there was a lot of giggling and, "Oh aren't I a silly girl?"



Gag.



We also learned other things about Alexis this episode. Her husband, Ed Hardy, Sr. has removed her shock collar, and she is allowed to leave the house. Obviously she is still miserable, because she got as drunk as humanly possible on that trip. Even dancing with...wait for it... a LESBIAN! I know! WWJ-SAY? Apparently, nothing. Because while tehz geyz are not allowed to get married because Jesus says, "no"...Jesus doesn't care about dancing with hot lesbians. Mark 2:13 clearly states, "And he told the people, dance! Dance with the gays! Dance! I'll have nothing to say about it!"



Again...gag.



More news about Alexis? She broke her vagina on a saddle horn. Ouchies. She's a recovering bulimic/anorexic too...which, I guess maniacally working out and dieting is an upgrade. And she had 125 things on her "marriage material list."



125 things. For Jim. Yes, Jim. I'll just let you marinate on that for a second before we move on.



Peggy on the other hand, was a salty cow on this trip! Or maybe it's her face. I don't know! She seemed pissy, but at the same time it looks like she went into the doctors office and said, "I want my face to always look like I'm smelling head cheese." Oh she was cranky! Alexis one-upping her... then the lips joke! It made her cry and stick that glossed sausage out in a pout!



Shut up and sit down, Peggy. If you don't want people to tease you, don't jack your face like that.



Back in Cal-eee- for- nie- aaaaa.... Tarmra's life is one helluva mess. Remember "leash gate"? You know, when Simon was being his usual jack-hole self and was short circuiting all over the place and whipped the dogleash at her and she had him arrested? Now to me, that seemed like mutual combat when the story came out. She was rubbing her new boyfriend and life in his face, and he was upping the asshole ante. Turns out I was right... boring.



But what wasn't boring, was Jeana sticking her nose in it! Santa Jeana de las Enablers, decided to take Simon's side in all of it, and basically told Tamra to put up and shut up. Because...you know...that worked out so well in Jeana's life. With that swell guy, Matt she let walk over her...those fine young gentlemen she calls sons, and well...Kara left Hippie University because there were too many hippies.



Yes, Tamra sold the drama a bit. Sure. But Simon is a prick. Six-a one... but is it any of your bidnezz Ms. Keough? No. A qualified, no. Simon shouldn't have temper tantrums with a drama queen if he doesn't want the consequences.



So Tamra fake cried, and it was all very weird. Not as weird as Eddie this episode! Good grief! He cannot be straight. He just can't. One, he's too damn pretty to want a leather couch like Tamra, and two... what single, hot, guy wants to deal with a mother of four and her divorce drama? Not a sane, straight dude, anyway.



And finally the password is Zambuca... Zimbabwe... Zazuzu... ZAMBONI YOU DUMB SHITS! Nobody can be that dumb. Nobody. The truck thingy that cleans the ice is a Zamboni. And Vicki, my dear, you do not have ADD or OCD, you have Batshit Crazy Disorder. But I would buy a ticket to watch you attempt to drive a Zamboni.



So that's where we end this week's OC. Somewhere between a mechanical bull with a mother of three in shorts so short her ass is hanging out of them, but it's ok because she bedazzled a cross on her hat... and Vicki driving a Zamboni.



New Jersey starts tonight, right? Good Grief...



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