Real Housewives of New York City Season 3, Episode 5 - Diarrhea of the Mouth is Not an Actual Ailment!

The Real Housewives of New York was its usual cocktail of manic mayhem tonight. The constant tension of the go away-come back relationships between these women is mind numbing. The opening of the show set the stage for all that would follow on tonight's episode. We see a pajama-clad Bethenny with perfect makeup whining to her assistant about the article that has been printed in the New York Daily News regarding the ongoing dispute between frenemy Jill Zarin and herself. The argument seems to have taken on a life of its own, seemingly expanding and evolving with each passing day. Bethenny found her inner Angela Landsbury and deduced that Jill or LuAnn had planted the article due to the fact that there were details that no one else would have known in addition to plugs for Saks Fifth Avenue and Emanuel Ungaro. I wonder how that happened.

Just when we thought that Kelly couldn't get any more singsongy or squinty, she takes it to a whole new level. We witness Kelly being interviewed by a writer for Playboy who has been tasked with piecing together an article that will fill in the margins surrounding her nude pictorial in the magazine. Kelly dissolves into some strange schoolgirl whore combination that flirts endlessly with the poor guy as he attempts to draw something meaningful out of her for the article. He asks her if she meditates or does yoga to which Kelly replies, "I'm more of an oh yeah, not an ohm person". The writer was hungry for scraps that he might be able to work with, so he moved on and asked her what she likes to read. Kelly indicated that she likes the books that her little girl reads. I wonder which one does the reading? A mental image of Kelly trying to sound out the word lamb was evoked for some reason. The writer mentions that he has just read "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" and that he found it fascinating. Kelly says, "I don't have any tattoos while she flutters her eyelids at him as if she's trying to send a telegraph. In the end, the writer got her phone number and Kelly agreed to go on the date that will never happen.

It seemed as if the Ramona and Kelly squabble from last week had blown over when Alex, Kelly, Ramona, and Bethenny all met to discuss Brooklyn Fashion Week. It didn't take long for Ramona's cockamamie boob comments to sneak their way back into the conversation and Kelly takes the opportunity to tell both Ramona and Bethenny that they have both been mean to her. Ramona goes on to complain about being caught in the middle of the Bethenny-Jill disagreement. Kelly and Bethenny, after supposedly calling a truce last week, begin nattering at one another like a couple of piranhas about crap from last year until Alex tells them to shut up or take it outside. Simon shows up about that time and Ramona leaps up from the couch and embraces him as if they were long lost lovers. Bethenny is confused by this behavior and says that she didn't get the "Ramona and Simon sitting in a tree memo". A gem from this encounter is when Bethenny declares that diarrhea of the mouth is not an actual ailment. With this group, I'm pretty sure it is.

Ramona is seen having lunch with her friend Joni and when Joni asks her what motivated her to change her attitude and life, Ramona divulges sad details from her childhood and begins to cry. She talks about domestic violence that took place in her childhood home and describes her strained relationship with her father who died recently. Ramona was finally able to make peace with her father and sadly he died three weeks afterwards. It's obvious that there is a lot of emotion surrounding the whole situation, but Ramona says that it has motivated her to change her ways and try to lead a more productive life. Ramona switches gears in a way that not many people can and she talks about how her new hairdo has made her feel like a free bird.

Kelly decides that she isn't going to go on a date with the writer from Playboy, just like we knew she wouldn't. She claims that she never mixes business with pleasure. Kelly also receives an email from Jill that has a threatening tone. Jill says that she knows all about Kelly and Bethenny making up and she says that she wishes her luck with that relationship. Clearly it has sunken back to a high school level at best once again. Kelly is obviously disgusted that Jill would imply that she can't be friends with both her and Bethenny. It's obvious that this will not be the last we hear of it.

The Bethenny-Jill argument finally comes to a head when Bethenny calls Jill and tells her that this whole thing has been blown completely out of proportion. Jill tells Bethenny to hang on while she puts her on speaker and when Bethenny questions the need to be on speaker, Jill doesn't divulge that LuAnn is sitting beside her on the couch listening to every word. Bethenny says that she wants to sit down with Jill to talk it out and instead Jill unleashes her personal hurt locker and then tells Bethenny they are done and hangs up on her. Bethenny is reduced to tears in the middle of the street over the confrontation while Jill seems to feel much better. This isn't going to be the last we hear of this either.

LuAnn continually refers to others as "lovey" and "my love" so much so that I feel like she is channeling Thurston Howell from Giligan's Island. Come to think of it, that may be where she picked that crap up. Lovey.

It looks like next week on the Real Housewives of New York City we are going to be treated to a steady diet of more of the same. Bring your air sickness bags and tune in Thursday night.

Source: Real Housewives of New York City - Bravo