'Real Housewives of New York' Episode 5 Recap

What IS this mess we are watching... five episodes in and blech. Just boring, stupid, awful nothingness. It's a sad state of affairs when Sasquatch is the sane one with a sense of humor about things. Remember when they had to shoot her out of a palm tree and put her in the jacket that gives you a hug in St. John? Now she's normal? I just...I just don't KNOW anymore!

So this week, we had lunch in New York...A LOT. Lunch here, lunch there...lunch everywhere.



Let's do lunch! It's what we dooooo, we're hags that lunch!



The first lunch started out ok, I guess. Jill went and had a facelift found herself in Australia, so she vowed to cut the gossiping crap and be a better person. But she'll get right on turning over that new leaf in a second. First, she's gonna have one last gossip fest with the goils over lunch. Kinda like having a bender when you know you're going to rehab the next morning.



Everyone's in a dither because they just got the memo that Ramona is a Pinot embalmed vampire/crazy person. No really, this just occurred to them. But maybe now that Kelly isn't dipping her jellybeans in Angel Dust, Ramental being well...mental is more noticeable.



Now the hallmark of a good wino is the drunk text. Me personally, I prefer drunk tweeting or weepy Facebook entries. But Ramona's wine "habit" manifests in text messaging at all hours. Basically she texted Kelly, "Have my back or I'll cut you." and naturally Kelly was freaked out. This goes against everything she's about! Sand Angels! That's what she's about!



"Sasquatch no like Ramona and her threats."



"Kelly," Sonja scolded, "That's not a threat. Ramona's such a drunk she couldn't stab the broad side of a barn. Now a horse's head in your bed? Threat."



"Sasquatch like horses. This makes Sasquatch sad."



So the ladies decide it's time to enroll Kelly in Hagwitch University, which is kinda like Hogwarts, only instead of casting spells, you learn the art of dealing with contrived reality tv drama. Professors Zarin and Morgan suggest they role play the first time Kelly speaks with the Ra-Monster and Sonja's impression was GOLD. Pure gold.



"Ok, Sasquatch have confi-confi- con... well, Sasquatch ok, now." Then she asked the waiter for a twisty straw and an extra cherry for her kiddie cocktail.



Over in the Brooklyn Bordello of Blood, the McCord-VanKempens return home to a strange piano playing in the parlor. Their French son Pep© has been gifted with a piano. You see, Alex has been making this kid practice with a teacher from the Juilliard because she HAS to have something to brag about in polite company. And the ULTIMATE goal in this scheme is to have a name to drop someday! Oh my son, Grey Poupon! He's a pianist.



"Pasquale trains daily with a member of the Juilliard! Suck on THAT, Countess! Your kids smoke pot and make skateboards!"



Ahhh....but with most pretentious people, this whole facade goes down in flames because lil' Phillippe HATES piano. Wasn't that the best? He went up to it and played friggin CHOPSTICKS! I about died! Well, it wasn't actually Chopsticks, but it sure wasn't anything that resembled the urgent need for a piano! Ha! Not to mention he was totally disinterested in the guy sitting there playing it from some "Super Piano Players Club" or whatever, Alex was cooing, "Look Pierre! You could do that too some day!"



Also worth mentioning is the fact that the piano just "had to match the decor, of course." So what does that MEAN, Alex? You got it cheap off the Addams Family set?



Anyway, it's time for the epic Bensimon v. Singer brawl, and Kelly feels it's a good idea to bring Sonja along as a human shield. Unfortunately for us...the viewers...Ramona's balance of Pinot Grigio, valium, dolphin blood, and baby aspirin, is dialed in just right today, so she apologizes and makes nicey-nice with Kelly.



"Good, Ramona. Sasquatch is friend Amabassador. It Sasquatch job to Ambassadiate friends."



Do you know who Kelly needs to put some of those "Abmassador" skills to use to? Sonja and Cindy. You see, Sonja is no longer the 'new girl' so now she needs to let the 'new girl' know her place. Which I find especially heinous because no one did that to Sonja.



Right off the bat, Cindy makes the grand faux pas of...gasp!...dancing with the staff! For shame! Who does that? Doesn't she know anything?. Do you think I walk over to the guy that mows my neighbor's lawn and start grinding on him? Well, ok...bad example because I do...but we're talking about Cindy here, and that's BAD!



So after Sonja takes off her jacket, readjusts her boobs for their best camera angle then puts her jacket back on, but in a way that doesn't cover up the cleavage spectacle she's giving us (ugh! she's the WORST!), and gives Cindy the 3rd degree about something she said about Sonja's original get together.



"I didn't say that!" Cindy whines.



Roll the footage! Yes you did, dear. Welcome to having your life taped.



So basically, Sonja tells her to know her role, and shut her mouth because there's a pecking order here, and RAMONA SINGER IS A MOTHERTRUCKING STAR!



Over in Ramonaland, she's trying to tell us that she created Lia Sophia, the jewelry housewives sell to eachother in their living rooms drinking Yellow Tail and gossiping about the PTA hags.



It's been done already, Ramona. Sorry. Come to my party next Friday night... I want a good hostess gift.



The countess is there and this whole "Mary Kay" type thing makes her break out in a Middle Class Rash, "Ramona, I gotta tell you. I didn't bang that count with my eyes closed for eighteen years so I could wear the baubles of peasants. But I'm glad you knocked it off with all that Jesus crap. That was just awful, dahling."



Says the lady giving her commentary with a giant gold butterfly hubcap around her neck. Yep.



Moving on....we must...my butt is falling asleep sitting in this chair...



There's a lame moment in the park where Cindy and Kelly just SPONTANEOUSLY run into Jill. I'm not even wasting the letters on it.



What I wish could be unseen is Sonja in her 'naughty ball player' costume she should have retired 20 years go. When you have to wear the Spanx panties AND control top pantyhose? Yeah...it's run its course.



I really hope that guy hitting on her got at least a $20 for his trouble from the production team to drink the memory away. Because now for all eternity, he wanted to tap the ass of a woman who's skirt flew up and revealed granny panties and control top pantyhose. Sorry, dude.



Then she had Kelly and the Countess over for her easy bake oven cooked dinner. Didn't you love how she couldn't even turn the damn thing ON, and she's all... "I do this every DAY!" ...then fed them fish cooked under a lightbulb that looked like bait. Yum! Buy that cookbook, people!



Alex and Jill met to bury the hatchet. I previewed it yesterday, so go read that. But wow, do you get the impression Alex has read a LOT of relationship books? She was totally doing the Mars/Venus thing with Jill, using "I feel" statements... wow. And Jill's grown...hate to say I believe her. Instead of 'red hot jealousy' she used the term, "anger" but hey, same diff...benefit of the doubt, and at least she's not dressing up as a naughty ball girl, amiright?



And finally...FINALLY we have the lunch between Ramona and Cindy and it was just awkward, awful and did I already say awful?



So in this first round of the "Battle of the Bangs" Cindy stammers and tries to make points, and Ramona's just shooting laser beams out of her eyes the whole time. Rolls going up in smoke... water glasses steaming with vapor... it was all Ramona could do to keep the evil alien beast within her from busting through her skin and gouging Cindy's eyes out.



But with a gulp of Pinot, the beast relaxed and mildly said, "I find your life stupid. When you have a man longer than 10 minutes, you'll understand."



Omigod! Burn city, man! Ouch! You done got mindfucked, Barshop! So Cindy starts sucking down that martini and furiously texting on her Blackberry.



"It's ok, Ramona, you can go...no, no...it's fine...go...I'm just...I'm just going to finish this drink and...well...you can just go."



And that's how it's done Cindy. As Jill said, Dead Bodies Everywhere.

So that's where we end this episode of Big Apple:Menopause Style. Next week...guess what? We get to see Sonja's ass again! Only this time, sans panties! Reinforce those corneas!



Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/#ixzz1LbuuX6qR