'Real Housewives of New York' Season 4 Episode 2 Recap

So it's come to this, huh? Just pure, unadulterated, ass-hattery? Even the straw that stirs the drink herself? Not Sonja! C'mon, man! What kind of world are we living in where we have to rely on Sasquatch and Countess Cuckoo to hold down the sanity fort? Is this the handbasket that's going to be delivering us to hell soon? I'm beginning to wonder...

Poor Sonja... I'm not saying that because I feel sorry for her, it's just that I find it unfortunate that she of all people, has succumbed to chasing the fame dragon. Oh my gaaaaaahhhhhdddddd, was it hard to watch her last night. It was like your friend that found a hip, cool group of people that she's desperately trying to belong to, but she's already cooler than them anyway so it comes off as kinda horky and lame? That's Sonja. And we're just sitting here cringing at her wearing her Wayfarers, sipping her PBR, trying so hard....

One thing I'd like to address before we dive head first into McCord v. Tremont-Morgan, is this 'gay icon' thing the Housewives have trumped up, like it gives them some sort of street cred or something for a gaggle of tehz geyz to want to do their hair or something. It's just so gross. It's as the French would say, 'Straight up posing, dude.'

You, Housewives, are not gay icons, nor do the gays LOVE you. Sure you're fun and they don't mind watching your show and maybe getting a little excited about it. But let's be real. CHER is a gay icon. Not some basic cable reality tv famous, second tier socialite. Nope. Not to take the wind out of your proverbial sails or anything, but this whole fight Sonja and Alex had over the Marriage Equality thingy? Lame. Neither one important enough to have the masses care.

Nonetheless, it was a good cause, I guess. Everyone should have the same rights, so if you want to wear a wedding dress and throw yourself off the Brooklyn Bridge for such things? Mazel.

But this whole event wasn't about Tehz Geyz having equal rights. This was a meme moment for Alex and an Ego stroke for Sonja. Both desperate for validation...each going about it the wrong way. By being the HBIC of this event, Alex officially steps out of over eager, aggressive middle class, and into second tier society, and with Sonja being Whatever the Hell she was supposed to be, she gets to reaffirm that she's still 'got it' and at least one rung up on that social climbing demon, Alex.

That's what that whole tennis match of passive aggression was about at Sonja's house. Who's more important? Someone on the Planning Committee or the Grand Marshal?

The Grand Marshall. Sit down Alex. Just sit down. You want a golf clap and a pat on the head? Don't be on the Planning Committee. That's just doing shit work for no pay. You know, charity. That's why celebrities show up and are lazy float riding 'Grand Marshalls'. That's the job you want if you're looking for a way to look pretty, waive and have people clap for you.

As for you Kelly 'Sasquatch' Bensimon with your insightful comments, "Is it Alex's day or Sonja's day, I'm here to march for equality and see if I can break my record of staring directly into the sun for longer than 3 minutes!" Stop making sense! If you keep making sense a black vortex is bound to open up in my living room and swallow us whole, taking us to Candyland with cartwheels and kittens. You making sense, Kelly, is like backwards day or something.

Sooooooo.... for whatever reason, nepotism designated that Simon (hey, girl!) dressed in his sequined waistcoat from the off, off, off, off Broadway production of Willy Wonka and His Technicolor Dream Coat With Jazz Hands, to come out give a speech about something at this event.

Just as he's about to step up and come out say his words about whatever, Sonja bumrushes him, tackling him like a linebacker, reminding him that he is a peasant and her rider specifically states that SHE and SHE ALONE will be making speeches. Know your role, plebs. Back to the end of the line for you!

Alex seethed, her eyes glowed red, fangs dropped from her lips...OH HELL NAW! You will not hijack this event with your, your...status, Sonja Morgan! No you won't! This event is going to make Simon and I street legal to attend events where we don't have to climb fire escapes and crawl through windows! I'm on the planning committee! It's on the WEBSITE!

We get it Alex, you're important.

Sonja, now having to make a speech, makes a horrible one, "Yeah! Gays! Marriage! Sex! Make it all equal or whatever! Let's drink!" Leaving Alex to scream running with her veil askew and her hair frizzing in the drizzle..."Legal you dumb shit! LEGAL! I'm on the committee! It's on the WEBSITE!"

Speaking of committee members, Jill showed up looking like she just rolled out of bed. Because, you know...she's just on it in name only...so CAY-UHS! But Alex torn between two bitch traps, decides that she's gonna get all, "Glad you could make it, COMMITTEE MEMBER!"

This would be a great moment for the PA in charge of having the tranq darts and guns loaded for Kelly, to use one on Alex.

Back at the Tremon-Morgan Sex Lair, Sonja has commissioned a painting from her meathead artist boyfriend, Bruce or whatever. Bruce seems a little nervous about this, because the last time Sonja asked for something and he got it wrong, he had to spend three days on the 'love rack'...the silk scarf burns are still there...as he winces in pain remembering her shouting, "Mama said THREE olives, Bruce!"

But this was TV, he thought. Big time. Someone would see his work, and he could stop dating old women and finally move into that Cape Cod he and Stanley had seen together Upstate. Just a little longer, he thought... I can do this.

So Bruce unveiled the painting, and Sonja let out a shriek. "What the FUCK is that, Bruce? I don't spend this kind of money on "spas" in Tijuana to look like an 80 year old! Fix, it Bruce...Fix it or you'll know what happens when I'm not happy."

Bruce's wrists twinged for a second when she said that, and he knew what he had to do. He had to fix it. He had to fix everything.

Sonja was mad! Boy was she! Here she rescues this little side of manmeat and is throwing him a shindig because he really is ridiculously good in bed with a high pain tolerance a good artist, and she's going to unveil that crapola to the world?! No way, José! But it's time to meet LuAnn for lunch so that's just going to have to wait.

Of course at lunch, Sonja wants a frosty glass of Haterade...make that a double, and LuLu's all, "Don't sweat those hillibillies, Sonja. It's like what I told my Jack the other night. Screw them middle class wannabe douches. You wanna be somebody, you gotta marry well. Hard work? Bitch, please...if they would've read my book, they would see that in chapter 23, vanity royal titles trump a vanity modeling contract any day of the week."

Sonja swigs from her Haterade, "Preach sister...hey! Why aren't you drinking? It's 9am somewhere!"

"Dahling, drinking at lunch is so last year. Besides, I polished off that sixer of Schlitz on the ride in."

We then had a confusing bit about RaManiac not inviting Kelly to one of her parties, because Kelly is three nuts short of crazy, like RaMental is the poster child for anything sane. But two things happened here...Sonja in her epic hate for Alex totally rewrote history on the whole Scary Island thing, pinning all of it on Ramona and Alex, when clearly Kelly was the one eating her hair and howling to the moon ontop of a palm tree...

And in classic Ramona fashion, she breaks bad on everyone and tells Sonja that Alex has been talking EPIC smack about her and the whole equality march snafu...

THIS, my friends sets the stage for McCord v. Tremont-Morgan: Thug in a Cocktail Dress.

In a nutshell, Sonja tried to let it go and move on, Alex wouldn't let it go, and a big argument about nothing happened. Here's my interpretation of how it went down...

"Simon...is that his name? Yeah, Simon needs to step off...who the hell is he anyway?"

"Sonja! He was supposed to make a speech! I'm on the PLANNING COMMITTEE! it's on the Website! You threw an elbow and knocked him off the podium!"

"Well if he wasn't such a pansy ass... besides, if you were so important, why didn't you make the speech and have your lame husband do it? And how did you not know I was supposed to be the only important person talking?!"

"I'm on the PLANNING COMMITTEE, It's on the WEBSITE! I AM important Sonja Morgan! I AM IMPORTANT!"

"No you're not. You can leave now. Nobody cares about you doing the shit work, because that's what peasants do. Deal with it. "

"Sonja! Sonja! Stop Running away! I was on the PLANNING COMMITTEE! It's on the WEBSITE!"

"Your manners suck, and you need to go. NOW."

Then LuLu walks in and she's all, "Hey Sonja! Am I needed here? Need me to throw a bitch out?"

"No, Luann, I was just leaving...sorry, this has nothing to do with you," Alex says while she stomps out.

"Au contraire, straw hair...that s&m number gets you thrown out by offending my eyesight alone. And buy a BRA for chrissakes!"

Outside Alex calls Simon, "Girl, that Sonja...is nothing but a THUG IN A COCKTAIL DRESS!"

And thus, the most tiring and obnoxious catch phrase uttered since "Prostitution Whore" is born, and that's where we'll end this week's recap. Just a bunch of thugs in cocktail dresses desperately seeking validation... Alex swinging her big brass balls she grew in St. John all the way back to Brooklyn, and Bruce sighing when the sheet comes off the final painting that Sonja was pleased that he painted her full on spread eagle.

Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/2011/04/real-housewives-of-new-york-episode-2-recap-its-sonjas-partyall-of-them.html#ixzz1JcGKlWcG