Real Stuff: A "Conversation" with Bill Gates

Knock. Knock. "Hello in the trailer! Anyone home? It's Bill and Melinda Gates. I hope we're not interrupting anything."

"No, I was just having a cocktail and reading the paper. Com'on in. What's up?"

"Reading the paper, how quaint. This could be a tough sell Melinda, but let's give it a try."

"Well Martin. May I call you 'Martin'? As you may know, Melinda and I are contributing millions of dollars to schools, libraries and communities to wire them for the Internet so that everyone in America will have access to the information highway! And of course eventually spend their food and rent money buying extraneous computer doodads after we've hooked them.

"To cut to the chase, my market development and sales research people have determined you are not taking full advantage of the wonders of cyberspace. You've never purchased anything on-line. You don't chat, play poker or even scarf porn. You've never downloaded a YouTube video. You still insist on paying your bills by mail, and you've even been known to do your banking at actual banks of all things. My people tell me you're the last person in Florida not on Facebook."

"Oh my God. I feel faint."

"There, there Melinda. I've told you about people like this. There but for the grace of the Lord go we. We must reach out to help these poor unfortunates, not be repulsed by them. Martin, you mustn't be ashamed to be technology challenged. Don't be too proud to accept our assistance. Once you're taking full advantage of the Internet, you can pay us back by upgrading your Windows package. I have a team of technicians outside ready to wire your motor home with speakers, cameras, interfaces and every contrivance imaginable, and the media are standing by for the photo op. Let's just get on with the inevitable."

"No disrespect Bill, but I'm pretty happy living in the real world where actual stuff occurs; where when you buy something or talk to someone there's an tangible physical exchange not merely an electronic tone to indicate the transaction is complete."

"Don't you realize you're an Luddite living in the electronic age. The world runs on immediate access to information and instant communications. Businesses can't survive without computers. You can scan reams of data off the Internet in the time it takes to peruse that daily paper of yours. Why would you want to read when you can surf?"

"I'm not really into surfing, Bill. I'm more into paddling around, taking my time thinking about what I've read. Besides, I really like the feel of holding newspapers and books in my hands. And when I 'bookmark' something, there's an actual bookmark not a icon.

"I know the Internet is essential for business and the government, but for a lot of people, it's become an addiction. Let's face it, there's a lot of gadget-happy people out there. When PCs first appeared, everyone rushed out to buy software to manage their households and balance their checking accounts. What they've saved using paper, pencil and a calculator they now spend finagling with their computer. Ever try to get an actual answer from your computer's Help menu?"

"Okay, forget the information part. How about communicating with friends and loved ones by e-mail. No wasted time. No missed calls. No need for irrelevant human contact. You can reach hundreds of people in the time it takes to make one phone call."

"True, e-mails are great for sending jokes and basic information, but they suck for negotiating complex issues or expressing emotions and nuanced ideas. Emoticons and avatars just don't cut it as communication devices. If I care enough about someone to want to get in touch, than I want to talk not 'chat.' That's why I don't Twitter and I don't text. And when I choose to spend my time talking politics, I do it with people who have something worthwhile to say, not with every moron with an opinion in some anonymous chat room. What's more, if I crave sex, I want real sex not cybersex.

"Look, I have unlisted phone numbers that I list with the Do Not Call Registry; I subscribe to TiVo so I can zap commercials on TV; and I'm a bear about keeping my name off mailing lists. Why would I want any sleazeball with access to a server to robo-spam me? Or hack my checking account? All in all Bill, I don't see this happening.

"Frankly, I'm not sure all this access to instant information and virtual reality has made us any better as people.

"My God man, there's a lady present. There's no need for gutter talk."

"I'd love to toss this around longer, but the Prize Patrol from Publishers Clearing House is due any minute. It turns out I'm also the only person in Florida who doesn't return his sweepstakes mailings."

"Okay, Okay. I can see you're a lost cause. I'll leave you be if you promise you won't put any of these crazy, subversive ideas in one of your columns. We count on those gadget-happy people as you call them to eke out our living. Hey, before I go may I use your lavatory?"

"Sure, it's right down the hall...Say, Melinda. You're pretty hot. What are you doing with a geek like that?"

"Well, you do realize he's the wealthiest man in America?"

"Oh, he's that Bill Gates!"