Realistically Keeping Your Patience with Your ADHD Child

I have a fantasy. I dream about it a lot. I think about it constantly. I want it more than almost anything else. Imagine a store. It's full of bright colors and happy voices. The shelves are laden with brilliantly colored boxes of all shapes and sizes. I walk through the store, pushing my cart. I feel peaceful and happy. I walk to the section labeled "ADHD" and turn down the aisle. I look up at the very top shelf and there it is. The box I've been dreaming of. It says "Patience". I pull it down, take it to the front checkouts and make my purchase. Ah, if only! Having a child with ADHD can try the patience of even the most even keeled parent. The impulsivity and hyperactivity can drive you crazy. Having to capture their attention by calling their name multiple times can really escalate the blood pressure. And unfortunately for our son, his father and I were not blessed with even keeled personalities. So the fantasy of being able to buy as much patience as we need is a heady one.

So what do we do instead? We breathe. We try to put ourselves in his shoes to understand the why behind the behavior. We count to ten. Sometimes we yell. And sometimes we give up and want to cry. And we look for that all elusive patience.

ADHD is an invisible disorder. It manifests itself in behavior and oftentimes that behavior is what would be considered "naughty". Other people don't see the ADHD, they see the silliness and the lack of listening. They believe they child is undisciplined and unruly. But as parents, you understand what is behind the giggles and the mania. You know why your child is so absorbed in reading the cereal labels and toy descriptions that they can't hear you telling them to move on to the next aisle. But even knowing the why doesn't always help you with patience.

Opportunities for practicing patience abound at every corner. Being interrupted while on a phone call. Begging to play a card game when you'd rather be watching a movie on TV. Making a huge mess while you're trying to get dinner ready. Each of these offer a chance for a "learning opportunity". But is that realistic? After a long day at work, do you really embrace cleaning the shredded cheese off the linoleum floor as a "learning opportunity" when all you want to do is get in your comfortable clothes and sit down to relax? Not hardly.

So we listen. And we make resolutions. And we think about what it's going to be like when he grows up and out of the house and we would gladly give anything to hear him say "I just want to spend time with you." We resolve that we will find that time. And we do.

Patience isn't sold in the stores and it certainly isn't grown on trees. So instead, the best advice next time you're ready to lose yours is to stop. Breathe. Use the same calming techniques your child uses to get him or her to focus and calm down. Feel how hard it is to struggle against your impatience, frustration and anger and say to yourself "this is what my child deals with. This is what they have to work through to calm down. This is hard." Breathe again. And imagine that big box of patience as something physical that you can pull out and use.

And then give your child a hug.