Reality TV: Getting Your Freak On

Over the past decade reality TV shows have taken over the networks. This apparently is due to the low IQ of the average television viewer who enjoys watching a bunch of obnoxious, fame-hungry celebrity wannabes engage in a form of reality that, in reality, isn't reality-unless, of course, you often find yourself getting kicked off of islands. But if just watching your basic narcissistic reality stars doing stupid things isn't enough to hold your interest, another form of reality television-freak shows-may be what you're looking for. These are shows that take a look at real people with strange physical or emotional problems and serve to satisfy the need that we-the normal-have of seeing others-the freaks-deal with their miserable situations. And these shows are all over your cable dial.

One of my wife's favorite shows is A&E's Hoarders which features people who literally save everything they've ever brought into their houses because they have a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder called "disposophobia"-or as a layman like myself would put it, "They're friggin' slobs!" As a result, their houses end up filled to the ceiling with boxes of crap, stacks of unboxed crap, and just general crap. And these poor nutcases have to actually burrow paths through all the junk just to get from room to room. The bathroom is disgusting, the kitchen is disgusting, rodent poop is all over the place and the dumbass can't bear to part with the double-cheeseburger wrapper she's been saving since the Nixon administration just in case the day comes that she opens her own McDonald's franchise. Understand that my wife is quite the opposite of a hoarder-she saves nothing! In fact she puts me out at the curb each week only to take me back in when she discovers nobody else wants me either. I'm sure her fascination with Hoarders merely reinforces the need we all have to know we are "normal."

Another A&E series, Obsessed, gives TV viewers a potpourri of freaks who just can't handle it. If you like to see how messed up the lives of these poor bastards have become due to an emotional disorder of some sort, this is the show for you. It's always good to know that your obsession with keeping a scrapbook of your toenail clippings isn't nearly as freaky as what these psychos are going through.

The Learning Channel (TLC) gives us Little People, Big World, which follows the everyday lives of "little people"-formerly known back in the pre-PC dark ages as "midgets"-as they battle to live in a world made for "big people." Now before you start posting angry comments or sending emails telling me what a heartless bastard I am, let me say that I don't think little people are freaks at all. Hell, I'm short-not freaky short, but short-so I feel your pain. I'm merely pointing out that the reason shows like Little People, Big World are successful is because of the same "freak show" fascination that made circus sideshows so popular before they were deemed cruel and sick. So back your itty-bitty, stubby little fingers away from the keyboard, climb down from your booster seat, and sing "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead." That seems to make you people happy.

Shows about conjoined twins are always a big hit too. Whether the subjects are joined at the head, hip, or genitals, viewers love this shit! I don't-in fact I stay away from anything that makes me say, "Eeeewwww!" But hey, that's me. Apparently, a lot of you out there like watching people who-if they can't be separated-are destined to lives of having to sit on a chair next to the toilet while their twin takes a dump.

One of the big attractions of circus sideshows was always the fat lady, because, well, we like to look at a fat lady. Not your average fat lady-not the kind who needs to cut back and eat a couple fewer boxes of donuts for breakfast-but a lady so fat, she hasn't seen four of her cats for several months because she accidentally sat on them. That kind of fat lady. And it's those kinds of fat ladies (or fat men) who are featured on shows with titles like, "Holy crap! I Popped My Staples Again!" complete with the requisite scene in which a wall is knocked out of the house and a team of twenty paramedics hoists the woman onto a flatbed before she is hauled to the hospital by a semi with Richard Simmons prancing alongside the truck in his sequined tank top and shorts sobbing like a little girl.

If you enjoy watching someone eat stuff you wouldn't feed your neighbor's constantly barking dog, The Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern is where you want to be. This food freak has eaten live worms, bugs, raw tuna eyeballs and even a beating cobra heart. Yummy! But Zimmern particularly seems to love munching on the reproductive organs of various animals. Bull penis, snake penis, yak penis, fried deer penis, chicken testicles, wild boar testicles, raw goat testicles with scrotum, and that mouth watering favorite, bull's rectum and testicle soup are just some of the dishes he has told us have a "wonderful nutty flavor." This guy's had more genitals in his mouth than Jenna Jameson!

Discovery Health Channel (DHC) is a great place to find freaks. For instance, each episode of My Shocking Story presents a profile of some poor sucker stuck with a malady you wouldn't wish on a Jonas brother. "Octopus Man," for instance, is a guy who has "a parasitic twin attached to his body." I've got one of those too-it's called a penis-but that's not what his parasitic twin is. This poor fellow is equipped with three legs and four arms, which by my math would actually make him "Septopus Man." But either way, the dude's a freak.

Last but not least, what's freakier than thinking you have to take a major dump only to end up popping out one of God's little miracles? Each episode of DHC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant features an extremely dim woman who had no idea that that large bump in her belly that had been kicking her innards for several months wasn't an undigested fried Twinkie she ate at the county fair, but rather a real live bouncing baby-amazingly arriving nine months after that drunken night with her twin cousins Billy Ray and Jim Bob.

There are tons more programs out there to satisfy that voyeuristic craving we all have for watching unfortunate individuals struggle to overcome major physical and emotional problems. If you have any trouble finding any of these freak shows, just take the easy route: Tune in Fox News Channel.

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bizarre_Foods_with_Andrew_Zimmern

http://tlc.discovery.com/

http://www.aetv.com/

http://health.discovery.com/