Reality-Checking for Preschoolers

As mothers, my best friend and I share two major traits in common-- we are both very dedicated mothers, and we both have children with a genetic predisposition toward mental illness. My friend has over a decade of parenting experience more than I do, so I was interested when she told me about how she engages in "reality checking" with her oldest son. As she explained it, she turned the channel to one of those notorious Charlie Sheen interviews, then asked her 13-year-old to identify which of Charlie Sheen's behaviors seemed irrational, and why.

This sort of exercise may seem like an unnecessary, or even insulting, way to interact with a child, but I believe that it's important to reality-check a child of any age, especially if he or she has a family history of mental illness. By helping your child discern reality from fantasy early in life, you may help to minimize the risk of psychosis later in life. This is especially true during the toddler and preschool years, when children have just begun to understand the difference between reality and illusion.

With my friend, an experienced mom, as a guideline, I've begun using these simple techniques to help preschool-aged daughter engage in reality-checking.

1. Don't lie to your child, even to protect her. If your preschooler just saw you crying, don't break into a smile and insist that you weren't crying. This will cause her to believe that her own perceptions are wrong, and that she can change the past by simply telling herself (or someone else) that it didn't happen. This could open the door to mental health problems later in life.

If your preschooler saw a dead dog on the side of the road, clearly decaying and covered in flies, it is a bad idea to claim that he was "just sleeping," when this contradicts his own understanding of what sleep is. Honesty is key in enabling reality-checking skills in a young child.

2. Explain the difference between spiritual and tangible reality-- even if not in those terms.This can be very difficult, especially if you are religious, but it is very important for facilitating reality-checking in young kids. It might be easy to tell your child that his imaginary pony is a fantasy, but what if he says he has a guardian angel? If you believe in angels for religious reasons, it may be hard to turn his claim down.

Instead of completely refuting his claims of otherworldly encounters, explain them in terms that a preschooler can understand. Depending upon your beliefs, you might say: "I believe in angels who are loving and invisible, and part of God, but the kind of angels you see in cartoons are just pretend." Even if you teach that spirits and ghosts are real, it's important to teach that they don't exist on the same level as human beings, writing-desks and dogs.

3. Make a joke of non-reality. I got into the habit of asking my daughter simple yes/no questions, often with obvious answers, early in her toddlerhood and preschool years. As a joke, I would ask something like, "Is the sky orange?" to which she would laugh, "No, you silly, silly mama! It's blue!" This encouraged her preschool-age language skills and also helped me to check her understanding of reality.

This gradually turned into me telling her things that were obviously, or not-so-obviously, untrue. For example, if she asked what was for dinner, I would respond, "Tiny blue aliens." After a few moments' thought, she would burst into laughter and squeal, "That's not true!" Alternatively, I might give an almost-credible response, like, "Rabbit meat." She would have to think about this for a few moments before realizing that we don't eat rabbit meat because we're vegetarian. This sort of humorous reality-checking is both fun and educational. It facilitates the level of critical thinking needed for your child's long-term mental health.