Reasons to Avoid Your Ex

Last weekend I happened upon a show I never watch - - "The Game". It has something to do with football players and their mates. I'm neither into football nor the shenanigans the players and their mates involve themselves in. But this episode caught my eye.

What happened was, two of the main characters had a breakup and are now in different relationships. But they happen to run into each other at a convenience store.

The male character was very vulnerable and on crutches. The female character looked longingly into his eyes; wanting to comfort him. They both leave the store, going their separate ways. But then the scene changes and she's at his front door. Then BOOM! They are on each other like there's no tomorrow.

As I sat watching this scene unfold I started laughing because it reminded me of an incident from my past where I ran into an ex and . . . well . . . let's just say the room filled with psychotic pheromones which caused us to leave the restaurant; equally baffling all of our friends because they knew we were BEYOND being through!

I called my friend Frankie in Arizona and talked about the show and shared the story of my foolish rendezvous. She laughed even harder as she went through her mental Rolodex of whom from her past she could never be near or alone with. Collectively we came up with some really good reasons to avoid our ex's; especially those who still have that magnetic pull on us.

We resolved that If we were walking down the street and saw a building blazing out of control, we wouldn't go near. Would you?! No! Therefore the same safety measures must be exercised when running into an EX. Why? C'mon!

You know better than anyone that there is one person on this planet who you can barely be in the same zip code with (let alone close quarters) without tearing into each other like a fat lady goes at a buffet! Wolfs howl at the notion of you two being near one another. Women within a 10 mile radius of you start to ovulate from the intense sexual tension in the air. And that's just not safe!

Here's a few quick reference points to keep in mind and to help you understand why you need to quickly run away should you encounter your ex.

YOU BOTH HAVE MOVED ON

Luckily for me men I've dated will normally go directly into the witness protection program after the break up. I'm not sure why, but I know I have NEVER run into anyone I used to date (even relationships that went on for years) ever again after it ended. This little detail allows me to get over my ex quickly and focus on more important details of my life - - like writing my first novel. I got nothing but time.

Realize that your life has gone on. It passed the phase of infatuation a really long time ago. Hopefully you have grown and matured enough to know your strengths and weaknesses. Meaning, if you can't handle being near that person STAY AWAY. Also realize, you now have a full life that will not allow you to look back and want what can no longer be.

THAT AIN'T YOUR'S NO MORE

You found out about his five other girlfriend four months into your relationship. Unless you have the cure for AIDS and other STD's logged in your Blackberry, I would suggest avoidance as a preventive measure. No! Not even with a condom. Because it's been that long and a condom used by you two may combust.

BROKEN CONDOMS CAN GIVE YOU A HEART ATTACK AT THIS AGE

You know better. You know that the person who can stare you into orgasm can have you out of your clothes in a matter of minutes. Therefore being naked with this person is forbidden! Just don't do it!!!! You know each other too well so you know it's going to be spectacular. Just hold onto the memory and run. RUN!!!

ADULTERY IS IN THE TOP TEN

Seriously, I'm 42 and I can't name one man I know who is not married. But, I know about four of their girlfriends.

Infidelity is not cute, safe nor sane. Stupid stuff should be limited to people under 21. Once you go beyond the age of consent then you have to avoid things you have full knowledge of. I may not have seen any of my ex's in the past four years but I do know they are all married (one trifling ass in particular left that detail out during the courtship.)

THE ONE WHO IGNITES THE FIRE WILL ALSO FAN THE FLAME

Did you forget why this person is an EX? Oh, you'll remember. And hopefully before there is a need for police response.

Isn't this the same person you told all of your friends you hope would get hit by a bus and die a slow agonizing death while choking on vomit? Isn't this the person who slept with your cousin and said, "Well, it's not like it was your sister!" Isn't this the person you foolishly loaned a credit card to five years ago and you're still paying on $8000 worth of furniture you never got to sit on?

There's a reason you got him/her/them out of your life. Keep it that way.

PUSHING BUTTONS SHOULD BE LEFT FOR ELEVATORS

You've been through anger and stress management and then you run into the ex.

You're having a great day entertaining your inner child as you sit at Starbucks sipping a vente, iced, mocha chaka latta yaya. When lo and behold, ex comes around the corner.

Now that you know who you are, you think you can hold a civilized conversation with king of the assholes/she bitch from the outer rim of hell (as he/she became once the relationship ended). You smile and cordially say, "Hi. How've you been?" Bad idea.

Three years ago this jackass had you in the middle of the street at three o'clock in the morning acting a pure fool; calling his poor mother names and insisting she be arrested for giving birth to him/her and burdening society with the diseased, puss bucket that he/she is.

Not only did EX not smile when he/she approached you. But EX went right into telling you about how wonderful their his/her life has become, while bringing up every past issue your therapist helped you through after the breakup.

If you see EX coming . . . RUN!!!!!!

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR MATE

Anyone you had GREAT chemistry with in your past cannot be explained to your present mate. Don't even try.

Whether it's the first love or just the one who could turn you into a babbling fool, your husband/wife/significant does not want to know that person. No one is happy seeing who you size them up against every waking moment.

So, should poo bear come to town on business and just decide to call out of the blue, the answer is, "No. This is our date night. But I'll email you soon."

YOU JUST DON'T NEED TO RE-LIVE IT

It was good while it lasted. There's a reason we all have a past. We must learn in order to enjoy and appreciate our present. You made it past that fool without going to jail or contracting an incurable disease. Let by gones be by gones.

He is now married with three kids, a dog and a timeshare. And his new life began two months after he told you he never wanted to get married or have kids. He left out the "with you" part.

She has a high power career, drives a Mercedes and vacations in Milan. Still the "uppity bitch" you called her as she sauntered out of your life 32 months, 3 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours and 15 minutes ago. But you're not counting.

LET IT GO!!!!!!

So there you have it. An ex is meant to be a fond memory. I'm glad my path will never again meet the road(s) once traveled. Those memories are indeed fond - - disappearing from a restaurant, nooners and the potential of forever. Very fond. But the lies, deceit and total inability to communicate like adults is not missed.

Luckily as we move on and maintain a healthy sense of self we can be happy for the ex's; even though the lies hurt, the breakup nearly broke us and the yearning for the familiar makes lonely nights long and sorrowful. But, once you know better, you have to do better. And that means running if you see the ex!