Reasons to Party in January ... The First in a Series of Monthly Holiday Party Themes

Is anyone feeling the need for a holiday and/or a reason to party, even though it's only been weeks since Christmas and New Years? In the dreary days of January, when ice storms wipe out power in half the country, and the credit card bills from Christmas wipe out savings accounts in the other, it's vitally important to have something to look forward to. Yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, and no, I was not in reference to looking forward to the outcome of this year's elections. With all the media hype taking place, that's more like looking forward to a root canal.

So, here it is-fresh from my demented mind-a list of monthly, weekly, and daily holidays/events that provide a reason to party. And if it turns out the holiday is past, there's always next year. Or the chance to throw a "We missed out on ___________ party." (Fill in the blank with whatever holiday sounds the most bizarre.)

JANUARY PARTY EVENTS (by month): California Dried Plum Digestive Month (all of January): First, let me point out that the California Dried Plum Board obviously is too ashamed to call a spade a spade. Or in this case, a prune a prune. I vote for renaming them the Old Dried Prune Board. And because of the effect that dried "plums" have on most of us-as well as to provide balance and harmony in the universe-I propose a National Kaopectate Month in February. Aaah, yes, Kaopectate, just another reason to party.

International Change Your Stars Month (all of January): Okay, I'm game for this. I'd like to exchange the North Star for Betelgeuse. No, not BeetleJuice the movie, but the red, supergiant star whose name sounds a lot like BettleJuice.

Oh wait, maybe they didn't mean that kind of star. In that case, I'd like to change my husband into Cary Grant.

Hmm, that might be a problem since Cary Grant is dead. Guess I'll take Pierce Brosnan instead.

Oatmeal Month (all of January): I'm thinking they meant Oatmeal Cookie Month, because no one in their right mind would eat oatmeal for an entire month. Okay, I take that back, my husband would ... but I did say, "No one in their right mind."

JANUARY PARTY EVENTS (by week): Silent Record Week (Jan. 1-7): What kind of records? Computer records? Criminal records? Vinyl records? One guess is as good as another ... but ssshh ... guess and party quietly.

Cuckoo Dancing Week (Jan. 11-17): I'm not sure if the National Cuckoo Board means dancing with the cuckoos in the clock, or the cuckoos in the mental hospitals. At any rate, I'm sure I'd prefer performing the foxtrot with a little wooden bird, over attempting the tango with a guy wielding a chain saw. Who could resist a party that features a dance with Freddie Krueger?

National No Tillage Week (Jan. 13-16): With the possible exceptions of the residents of Texas (home of Tommy Lee Jones, Gila monsters, and rattlesnakes), Florida (home of the hanging chad and alligators big enough to eat a man), and California (home of the "Governator"), I doubt anyone in the U.S will have a problem not tilling during these short four days.

Yah, sure, you betcha ... especially in Minnesota, the land of 10,000 frozen lakes ... and in Salt Lake City, the land of the frozen smog.

JANUARY PARTY EVENTS (by day): Judgment Day (Jan. 17): All right, breathe a sigh of relief. Judgment Day is over and since you're here, reading this, you were not banished to outer darkness. And by the way, speaking of Judgment Day, breathe another sigh of relief because the Doomsday Clock was just set back one minute. Wahoo, an extra minute before world destruction!

Answer Your Cats' Questions Day (Jan. 22): Honest, I am not making this up, because if I were, it would be called, Ask Your Cat a Question Day. I always wanted to know what mouse tastes like ... but not enough to try one.

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (Jan. 25): Let me just say, for the record, that I am eternally grateful for bubble wrap. But not as grateful as I am that Judgment Day is over and I'm still here.

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Remember, even though Christmas just whizzed past, and Valentine's Day is lurking in the future, there's no reason for feeling blue. The potential is there to party at least weekly with the previously mentioned January holidays and events. But, if you plan to party by dancing with a cuckoo, just don't tell anyone the idea came from me.