Reasons to Party in March ... The Third in a Series of Monthly Holiday Party Themes

It's once again time for "Weird and Wacky Holiday Party Themes," the game where real people create holidays, I poke fun at them, normal people laugh at them, and people with no sense of humor defend them. Let the chips fall where they may, dear readers, and party to your heart's content.

MARCH PARTY EVENTS

Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig (all month): Right now, nine out of ten women/men/vampires reading this are shuddering at the thought of rescuing vermin. And the next question to ask is, where are the guinea pigs being rescued from? Behind the walls? Under the bed? In the pantry?

All I know is hamsters are cuter, so I vote for an "Adopt a Rescued Hamster Month." The reasons for this are plentiful. First, you'll notice the word "pig" is not linked with the word "hamster." That's a point in the hamster's favor every time. Second, hamsters do not make bizarre grunting noises that make you wonder if someone is desperately in need of Ex-Lax. Third, hamsters look fuzzy and cute. I once rescued one from a shoe and Koala was eternally grateful. Every morning, though, a conundrum awaited us. Namely, what unknown poltergeist grabbed the end of the bathroom tissue, scrolled it from the bathroom through the hall and wrapped it around the living room at night while we slept. We finally solved the mystery when we discovered Koala rested on a bed of shredded toilet tissue equivalent to a giant, super-sized roll of Charmin. She'd spent her evenings escaping from her cage, confiscating items and carrying them in her bulging cheeks back to her little home behind bars. She included toilet papering the house in the process.

So, if you're looking for a reason to party, adopting a rodent might give you one.

National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month (all month): Chronic fatigue exists. It's a very real problem. I'd tell you more about it, but I'm just too tired to go into it.

National Eye Donor Month (all month): I'm baffled. How can those who've donated their eyes read the calendar to learn of this observance? Or, if we assume they've passed on and that's why their eyes were donated, it makes the situation even more baffling. How are they learning about this in the great beyond? I can only think deceased donors learn this at séances-where the score is even because everyone has their eyes closed, anyway. (If someone reading this has donated their eyes, please forgive my politically incorrect sense of humor.)

MARCH WEEKLY OBSERVANCES

National Procrastination Week (First Week in March): I planned to tell you all about this but decided to wait until next week. Or maybe next year. Whatever. Feel free to put off planning a national procrastination party until mañana.

Turkey Vultures Return to the Living Sign (Mar. 11-17): When I first heard about this, I had no clue what the title was saying, much less what it meant. "Turkey Vultures Return to the Living" (without the word, "sign"), gave me a mental image of zombie vultures, wandering the towns, eating dead cows, and then knocking on doors of the town's residents. Something akin to a cross between Alfred Hitchcock's, The Birds and somebody-or-other's, Night of the Living Dead. After exhausting my vast store of resource material (I asked our dog what it meant), I went on line to see what others thought. The bloggers there seemed just as confused, but amazingly enough, I did find one who imagined a similar scenario. The owner of The Random Yak said, "I'm still a bit stumped by the "living sign" part. Sort of "Night of the Living Dead" meets "National Geographic...

"...Tune in Sunday night at 7 to see the return of the living dead turkey vultures. Watch the massive, undead carrion-eating birds return to their nesting grounds in search of warm climates and newly-dead brains. See the impressive flock feast on roadkill[sic] to gather their strength before hatching a new brood of zombie buzzards to carry on the neverending[sic] search for food...Only on the National Geographic Channel."

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Later, someone sent me a link explaining "the living sign," so check it out if you think you might want to throw a grand party in honor of the returning vultures.

International Brain Awareness Week (Mar. 15-21): All of you who are aware that you have a brain, please raise your hands. Those who are not, please report to the pre-frontal lobotomy clinic, and we'll have a party for you after your surgery.

MARCH DAILY OBSERVANCES
Pig Day (Mar. 1): This, no doubt, has something to do with the guinea pigs waiting to be rescued from under the bed and behind the walls.

Memory Day (Mar. 21): I had so many things to say about partying on this holiday ... but I'm afraid I've forgotten what they were.

Viagra Day (Mar. 27): Normally I wouldn't touch this subject with a thirty-nine and a half-foot pole, but I have an interesting story. A sweet, elderly lady-whose memory was significantly fuzzier than even mine-went to a family reunion. While chatting with a cousin in his fifties, she said, "John, I hear you're taking Viagra. How's that working for you?" John's eyes grew wide and then the woman's daughter-who stood nearby-gently said, "You mean Zyrtec, Mother. For allergies."

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There you have it, a multitude of themes to use if you're looking for reasons to party in March. And if none of them seem just right, well ... you can always create a party theme of your own. No matter what idea you come up with, it couldn't be any more bizarre than the ones I've just given.

Sources:
Brownielocks.com: http://www.brownielocks.com/march.html
Canisteo-Greenwood High School Alumni: http://canisteoalumni.homestead.com/
The Random Yak: http://www.randomyak.com/?p=1920
Wikipedia.com: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canisteo_%28village%29,_New_York#Living_Sign