Recap of President Obama's Address to Congress, February 24, 2009

Okay, first of all, this isn't a transcript of the speech. I am going to recap one hour of CNN's broadcast of the address, starting with various persons entering the Senate chamber and ending with...well, read the darn thing, will ya? Anyway, the address itself will mostly be paraphrased, here. Some of it will be quoted (watch for quote marks!), and it will occasionally be snarked upon (I've gotta keep things lively).

The Presidential Address will take place in the Senate chamber, in which members of Congress have assembled. CNN picks up just after the introduction of the flight crew of "Miracle on the Hudson" fame, who receive a standing ovation (the first of so very many). As this is a joint meeting of the Senate and the House of Representatives, Vice President Joe Biden and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will be presiding jointly.

The diplomatic corps, none of whom we know, enter, and then the Supreme Court justices are announced. The arrival of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who only two weeks ago had surgery for pancreatic cancer and is already back on the job, is greeted with loud applause. Clarence Thomas, who entered behind her, brushes rudely past as she greets well-wishers. What an ass! Stephen Breyer, a perfect gentleman, paces himself behind her, allowing her to take her time. She receives a standing ovation and blithely ignores Clarence Thomas, who tries to make good, putting his slimy arm around her. Too late, dude. Mitts off!

Michelle Obama enters in a sleeveless purple dress with a satiny v-necked bodice and gets a healthy round of applause. The cabinet enters next. They aren't introduced by name, so I'll do my best: grey-haired guy; Hillary Clinton looking awesome in hot pink; Timothy Geithner in boring blue; Robert Gates; tall guy in specs (oh, Ken Salazar); Tom Vilsack ("Vilsack", hee hee); short brunette lady; the Asian science guy; very tall grey-haired dude; then the camera pans out while Wolf babbles a while, finally coming to rest on Rahm Emanuel, entering with the rest of the White House staff. It looks like the Joint Chiefs of Staff are already in the chamber, as the Cabinet members go on the meet-and-greet.

Of course, just in case there's some awful calamity at this shindig that wipes out all attending, one member of the Cabinet must always stay back and watch the speech safely from an Undisclosed Location. Tonight, that's Eric Holder, the Attorney General (so if any of you racist creeps thought you could bomb the place and get rid of our first black president, just so you know, we do have a spare).

Pelosi and Biden try to kill time by making small talk while they continue to stand, smile, and wait. The official photographers enter, and then the President himself, smiling broadly. There is much cheering and shaking of hands. Michelle is shown standing beside a young girl, also wearing purple (well, lilac), but who is not one of her own daughters. She is not identified by Wolf, who isn't being very helpful, other than boasting about all the microphones they have stashed along the President's route so we will be able to hear him say hello to people. Which we aren't, by the way. Hearing, I mean. More on that in a minute. Anyway, we don't know who the little girl is, but Michelle greeted her with a hug when she came in.

Of course, it takes forever for the President to make it through the room, and people just keep clapping and clapping as he hugs people, shakes hands and talks to some dude who looks like Larry Flynt (you kids can ask your folks who that is). Barbara Boxer rubs his back. He greets Secretary of State Clinton with a small wink and a peck on the cheek. Wolf wants to listen in as he greets the joint chiefs, but the applause is so loud, that's a wash. Sorry, Wolf! Your eavesdropping plans have come to naught.

As Obama approaches the podium and shakes hands with Pelosi and Biden, the crowd starts cheering like they didn't notice him before. And this in addition to the clapapalooza-this guy's a rock star, y'all. After saying "thank you" thirteen times, he finally gets everyone to shut the hell up long enough for Nancy Pelosi to officially present him, whereupon everyone immediately busts a gut all over again. He has to say "thank you" eight more times before everyone sits down, and then he starts the address-well, now, there's another standing O for Michelle-and then the actual speech starts (and I'm, what, only eight paragraphs in?):

We have all been affected by the recession, our economy is in crisis, but "We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States will emerge stronger than before!" Another standing O; these people are gonna get tired.

More feel-good stuff about how smart, creative and hard-working Americans are. We have to pull together and take responsibility. Maybe we didn't always take responsibility before [I'm giving you the stink-eye, Republicans]. Our economy didn't fail overnight [it took eight years to eff it up this badly]. We import more oil than ever before, health care costs more and more, our schools are crap [Chris Dodd listens gravely], and yet we still managed to pile up massive debt while fixing none of this stuff. [Good God, we're idiots!]

We have been short-sighted: "A surplus became an excuse to transfer wealth to the wealthy instead of an opportunity to invest in our future" [healthy applause; no standing]. Lots of irresponsible crap happened, but it's time to take charge of our future [John Boehner nods solemnly]. Okay, now it's time to talk about the economic agenda. It begins with jobs [more applause, natch]. I pushed for quick action on the stimulus bill, and Congress delivered [big hooray for themselves; only about half of them stand. Some don't even clap. Bitter much, GOP?] The plan will save or create at least 3.5 million jobs, 90% in the private sector. Hey, it already saved 57 cops in Minneapolis from getting laid off! All right! I like specifics. Let's hear more specifics!

95% of working families will receive a payroll tax cut beginning April 1^st [um, let's hope that's not a joke, then]. $2500 tax credit on tuition costs for all four years of college, extended unemployment benefits and health coverage [COBRA, I assume? He doesn't say].

Will the plan work? Joe Biden will lead an "oversight effort", because "nobody messes with Joe!" [Big grin from Biden; chuckles and applause all around Pelosi pops up to give Biden a standing O] A federal website, www.recovery.gov, will be available to the public and will track and account for the stimulus money.

To fix all this other stuff, we have to clean up the credit crisis. Your money in the bank is insured, and the banks will continue to operate. That's not the problem; we have to restart the flow of credit. To do this, we will: 1) Create a new lending fund to make available funds for auto, college and small business loans This time, banks will be made to show exactly how federal funds are being used to increase loans to taxpayers [about damn time, everyone thinks, leaping again to their feet].

The bad news: It will probably cost even more than we've already thrown at it [sigh]. The last administration screwed around with the TARP funds, but this one won't. "It's not about helping banks; it's about helping people." Applause line, of course.

The recovery will work in the short term, but long-term investments have to be made in new industries. Screw oil! Fix health care! Improve our schools! In the next few days, a new budget will be submitted to Congress, and some sacrifices will have to be made by all.

More can-do American pride talk, reference to the post-WW II-era "G.I. Bill", which gets another huge round of applause [General Shinseki is stoically pleased]. Technology rocks! Opportunity rocks! The budget will emphasize spending on energy, health care, and education

We're investing in technology and laying new power lines, but Congress needs to produce legislation that places a cap on carbon pollution and provides for production of renewables-based energy in America

On the auto industry [Carl Levin is either taking notes or napping until the next standing O]: We won't protect the car companies from their own "bad practices" [sure, we haven't done that already], but we will help them ack rite, because it's about the jobs, yo. "I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it." [Major applause from the chamber, and righteous indignation from France and Germany, who actually invented the automobile.]

This won't be easy, but we're Americans! Health care costs are bankrupting people and businesses. Heath care reform now!

On education: "Three-quarters of the fastest-growing occupations require more than a high school diploma, yet just over half of our citizens have that level of education." [Concerned nods.] "We have one of the highest high-school drop-out rates of any industrialized nation, and half of the students who enter college never finish." [Sounds like more people need to go to art school-it werked fer mee!]

The goal is to ensure that each child has a complete and competitive education. The economic recovery plan expands early childhood education and has made college affordable for seven million more students, but reforms are needed in addition to resources. The budget will create new incentives for teacher performance and "pathways for advancement". Charter schools will receive an expanded commitment. Every American is called upon to commit to at least one year of higher education, be it community college, vo-tech, or what-have-you. Do it for your country! [Giant, raucous standing O.]

Our goal: By 2020, Americans will have the highest proportion of college grads in the world. Tuition assistance will be provided for those who volunteer or serve in the military. Legislation to this effect is from Senators Orrin Hatch and Ted Kennedy [standing O for Kennedy, who isn't there. Nothing much for Hatch, who is. Eh-hem!] Parents have to be involved. Responsibility begins at home. Read to your kids, for crying out loud!

We will reduce the deficit by eliminating wasteful programs and have already identified two trillion dollars in savings over the next decade. No more education programs that don't work [goodbye, No Child Left Behind]! No more handouts for agribusiness! No more no-bid contracts in Iraq! No more outdated defense equipment! No more tax breaks for corporations that shift our jobs overseas [HELL to the YEAH]! No more tax breaks for the rich!

Reforms are needed for Medicare and Social Security. We need to create tax-free savings accounts for al Americans. To be fully accountable and honest, this budget will cover ten years and truthfully account for expenses like the cost of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan [which were not even counted in the Bush budgets-um, WTF? Robert Gates has no comment.]

We'll find a way to end the war in Iraq responsibly [John McCain stands to clap; good sign, I guess]. We're going to straighten Afghanistan's and Pakistan's asses out, too, thank you very much. We support our troops! [Everyone stands and shakes hands with a Marine.] The budget will increase the number of troops, increase salary for troops, and increase benefits for veterans! [Yay, now I'm clapping, too!]

Ah, my DVR cut off. Well, that was a good spot at which to end. I'm sure the rest of the speech was nice and involved lots of applause. Thanks for reading my recap. It was half-assed, but all heart!