Recent Deployment to Iraq Nearly Destroys a Family

I'm a military spouse, a wife, a mother of 5, an employee, a friend, and a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, etc. My husband deployed many times over our marriage and the kids were at all ages as well. The most recent deployment is the one that almost broke this family. This isn't whining, this is a true story and frankly, just the way it was.

My husband deployed to Iraq and other places early in 2005. During this time, I had 3 kids still at home and one in college. My oldest at home was getting ready to graduate. I'll start with him. A once straight-A student (it had been a while since we saw those grades, but nonetheless), was caught up in a whirlwind of hormones and "I know more than you do" - this deployment only magnified this situation. I'm his step-mom, and not new at it you see. But, his Dad leaving in early February allowed this boy to tail spin something awful - exponential defiance. Doing what I could, I stayed in contact with the schools, counselors, employers, friends, and others from whom I sought support. Unfortunately, there was not much to be had. I received two telephone calls during my husband's deployment from his squadron offering assistance in any way they could. But they had nothing for me when I described my situation. The boy wouldn't go to counseling - are you kidding?

He early-enlisted in the Army and would ship out for Basic Training in July. But between the time that his Dad deployed to mid-July, he had managed to miss (read skip) a great deal of school, run his finances into the ground, barely graduate, and lose a great deal of trust and respect from several of his family members, including me.

Frankly, I felt used, abused and left out to dry; not only by this boy, but by what (if any) support there was for these kinds of situations. This young man consistently defied every request (most were reasonable) and lied about most situations. Sadly, this left a shell of a relationship that, to this day, has not healed much. I'm happy to say that he graduated (with a 1.5 GPA), joined the Army, shipped off to Basic Training, and began to live his life on his own. Oh happy day, relief, right? Not so much. More happened to this boy but not because of the deployment. Much of the rest of his story came from his reckless nature. Do I blame the deployment on the behavior of this once sweet child? Not completely, but I have developed a sense of resentment that I'm left with all of the work. How twisted is that? My husband is taking unfriendly fire, and I'm crying about this crap. That is how convoluted and twisted things can become.

There were only two of the other three left at home because my step-daughter was living with her mother at the time. An 8th grader and a third grader were left for my focus. They went to Triangle Y-camp, and had a great time. I found out that the 8th-grader pulled some not-so-nice tricks on his little brother while there and damaged that relationship.

(ASIDE: You see, little brothers look up to big brothers and try to be part of their world. When they are tricked and made to be the butt of jokes they don't even understand it is destructive and the older ones don't even realize what they are doing. Then, in days to come, when the older ones wish they had a better relationship with the younger ones, they wonder what happened. News Flash! Look back through history.)

After their resident camping experience, for our 10th anniversary, I joined them at camp for a family weekend and tried to have some fun. These boys needed their Dad. I needed their Dad. Intermittent email and sporadic telephone calls left us wanting more and missing him more. More deeply saddened with every passing day, the drudgery wore on. I continued to try for them to have fun. Traveling with the soccer team my 8th grader played on, I think I put 2500 miles on my truck that summer. We went to Wisconsin and back four times to meet with the grandparents and trade out for trips, and the 8th-grader got to visit his Mom. Sadly, another transgression on trust occurred here.

I was told the day before I was to pick this boy up at the airport that he was planning on staying with his Mom and that this was in planning for a while. Betrayal! What?! Yes, here I am, trucking these kids all over the place and come to find out last minute, "Oh, well I guess I'll come back there." Nice. It wasn't even the idea of him staying there, as much it was being left out of the communication loop. This had happened a lot over my step-mom tenure. 10 years now and not much has changed there. Like I said before, these boys needed their Dad. I needed their Dad. Resentment grew yet again.

There are five people that I haven't directly addressed in this - The other three kids, my husband and myself. I have woven some of each in, but not addressed it directly. My oldest in college continued to take classes and live his independent life calling to check in now and again. Good on you! There was some frustration and difficulty there, but to his credit he did pretty well. It helps when you haven't lived at home for a while, so thing like deployments don't seem to make too much of a difference. My step-daughter lived with her Mom and didn't have too much to do with us anyway at the time. A phone call or email here and there. She was fine. Our youngest was probably the least affected by this deployment. He had me. I have always been the one home - his constant. Dad has always been intermittent, so it wasn't new. Not intermittent in the sense of on again off again Dad; but that he had deployed again and I was always there. That leaves two - I'll start with my husband.

I have never seen this man return from deployment so different than he did this time. He looked tired, old, and worn out. He looked jaded and disgusted. There was a huge sense of relief that he was back. His sleep patterns were out of whack, nerves short, and military commitment waning. He had 18 years in and couldn't retire yet. Two more years of potential deployments, missing birthdays anniversaries, holidays, graduations, Basic Training ship-offs and graduations, and so much more.

There was resentment too...for taking all of these things away from him....for doing his duty without fail....and worse - guilt. Guilt that he missed so many birthdays, anniversaries, the graduations, and so much of his kids lives. Guilt that I went through such a horrible period with his kid. Guilt that his kids treated me poorly, even though I was the one there taking care of everything. Guilt, so powerful, so painful, that words cannot be spoken or formed. It was awful.

So finally there is me. How did the deployment affect/effect me? I stayed busy. I finished my Master's degree. I ran the kids around. I should be satisfied, right? Well, needless to say I was thrilled he was home and healthy. Me, I was destroyed inside - tired, joyful, spent, exhausted, elated, angry, resentful, frustrated, frenzied, and so many other emotions that shifted my moods faster than I had ever experienced. Happy to sad to happy in .03 seconds. It was crazy, a proverbial tidal wave of every emotion known to man. It was finally over and it was time to relearn each other - again.

Sadly, most people believe that the responsibility for these situations fell on the deployment. Everyone said, "If he wasn't deployed then...." Let me tell, you that I don't think that that is necessarily the case for much of the problems that occurred over this timeline. The back-and-forth pull for a child to be with his mother is not new and not because of the deployment. It may have magnified the desire, but not a cause - more natural. The problems with the older boy - I think lay in his decisions.

He could have not done much of what he chose to do. To blame that on his Dad or the deployment would be unjust. My soldier holds enough guilt from this particular deployment that he needs nothing additional. I had mentioned earlier that this deployment was different than the others. It was. So much that as soon as he could put in for retirement, he did. Stop the madness. He had just returned in late August 2005. He would have left again that next February 2006, too; then again in January 2007. We are done. With our two boys at home, we served our country. Remember the whole family is in the military and the deployment takes its toll on everyone in the family - only some to different degrees.