Reclaiming Our Lives After a Divorce or a Breakup

One major reason why the demise of a relationship - especially a long-term one - can be so devastating is that we had grown accustomed, for so long, to thinking in terms of "we" rather than "I". While we're in a partnership, this kind of thinking is necessary; in fact, a lot of relationships begin their downward spiral when one or both partners start focusing on their personal fulfillment more than the greater good of the partnership. But when a relationship has already dissolved, this can leave us wondering where is the solid ground on which we can stand. Suddenly we have half our life, if that. So the road to discovery involves getting back in touch with our own singular selves.

In the case of divorce, this task can seem hopelessly complicated at first. Marriage partners share possessions, property (often), sometimes children, and even mutual friends. All of these dynamics are changed when the relationship ends. No wonder we grieve; it feels like we're not only losing the one we love (or once loved) but also all those years spent together and all that was built up during that time.

It can be helpful to start small, and reclaim our lives one piece at a time. A marriage or other kind of intimate partnership has its obvious advantages, but there are inevitably sacrifices that also have to be made in order for it to survive. We may have had personal interests that fell by the wayside as the partnership came to dominate center stage in our lives. Part of our recovery might involve reconnecting with these old interests. We could return to the painting we were doing, or the hiking or writing or music lessons. Not only can this help to take our minds off of the turmoil we're in, it can also provide us with a means of moving forward, of stepping into a new life.

Not only our personal interests but also our social life may be going through a transformation. Mutual friendships formed during our married years could slowly fade out of the picture, but we might have other friends with whom we haven't connected for a long time because of our other priorities. This can be a good time to reach out to those people and try to establish a connection again.

There's probably no way to go through divorce, or the end of a relationship that meant a great deal to us, without feeling a lot of pain. But this pain will have less of a hold on us - and be of shorter duration - if we begin at once to reconstruct our lives in line with our own personal values instead of the ideals of the partnership that's ending. Salvaging the sense of "I" from the "we" can help us to orientate ourselves in the world when we're forced, at least for a period of time, to travel its roads alone.