Recognizing Anorexia Nervosa: Advice From a Second-Hand Observer

Anorexia is a serious and deadly disease. Food, eating, exercise, body shape and weight become the main focus of a person's life if they develop anorexia nervosa. No matter what you may try to say, no matter how many times you reassure them, they will always believe themselves to be "too fat," even if the mirror reflects a near-skeleton.

Not only is anorexia debilitating to the one suffering from it, but it is debilitating to those surrounding them. Hobbies, interests, friends and family become less and less a part of an anorexia sufferer's life, as thoughts become more focused around food. I know this personally; I'm currently involved with someone who is a recovering anorexic. (For those who aren't familiar with these terms, anorexic is the word for a person who suffers from anorexia.) It has been an extremely trying time for both of us, but I'm happy to say she's on the road to her recovery. I'd like to offer some advice to relatives and friends of anorexics about how to cope with their loved one's disorder.

Now, I could sit here and start telling you all the statistics, facts, figures, et cetera, but that's really not going to help. When you really get down to it, numbers mean, to put it bluntly, shite. What I will do, however, is tell you what I've personally learned.

First, remember that it is exactly that: an eating disorder. This isn't just a diet, it's a disorder, literally a change in the person's mental processing. It's almost a phobia of sorts; in fact, anorexia causes its victims to become terrified of food. It can be frustrating, as you may feel they're behaving irrationally. This is true; keep in mind, though, it isn't what anyone truly wants. The girl I speak of, named Haley, began having her problems around the beginning of this year. It started out as what seemed like a diet to me, but got worse. Fasting, for instance - she fasted for almost two weeks straight. She herself admitted that it had gone too far, that it was a Hell of a lot more serious than simple dieting.

Be gentle about confronting them. Most anorexics will at first deny they even have an eating disorder. Haley didn't deny it, but she wasn't exactly open to advice early on either. She wanted to deal with it herself and be left to it - still does, truthfully, but she's more mellow about it. Sometimes, I ended up approaching her in a, ah...forceful fashion, which wasn't well received. After all, no one wants to think they don't know their own issues. Don't try to frighten your loved one into recovery by citing a list of horrible things that will happen to them, no matter how frightening it is. Anorexia, along with other eating disorders, often stems from deeply underlying issues from the past. These I will not cite, but they're there. If you attempt to tell someone what will eventually happen to them, as I mistakenly did at first, it makes them feel foolish and ashamed, adding even more to the emotional cycle of suffering. When dealing with anorexia, people can become extremely defensive and secretive about their eating habits. Using other objects for weights/exercise equipment, forced vomiting, and hiding food under clothes, nails and hair are some of the extreme methods that have been known to be used.

Anorexia is about control. Often anorexics feel that they have no control over their lives, so instead turn to controlling eating. It's a coping mechanism. Low self-esteem and perfectionism are a few key underlying symptoms. Try to boost your loved one's self-esteem, but not by commenting on anything pertaining to weight or shape. Instead, focus on what makes them such a great person on the inside. Also be wary of how you express concern - any "you've gotten so thin" comments, though meant in concern, will be taken as a compliment, and the sufferer will be reinforced in the harmful habits in an effort to gain more approval.

Most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, don't try to force recovery. Recovery from anorexia has to be done at its own pace. Anorexics, when faced with too much food or too much of a change in diet, will likely feel overwhelmed with fear and slip back into their eating disorder. Let them dictate the pace of recovery. Do encourage recovery, even if it's just maintaining a certain caloric intake and then increasing slightly the next week or month. As long as there's some progress being made, that's enough. Every day alive is a step toward defeating it.

One last piece of general advice: stay the course. No matter how difficult it gets or how hopeless you may feel, stay the course. You may not think you're doing any good, but believe me, just someone to confide in and depend upon for moral support can make all the difference in the world. Haley has said to me on many occasions that were it not for my help she doesn't think she would have come this far. Like Gandhi said, 'To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.' Of course, you should also gently encourage them to seek counseling and therapy in addition to your own support.

I hope you find this advice helpful, and I wish you the best in playing your part to aid in recovery from this horrible eating disorder. With time, patience and commitment, anorexia can be overcome, but the going will be difficult.