Recognizing and Breaking the Patterns of Maternal Abuse

Most of us have met at least one-- an adult-age male who, in some way which may be difficult to describe or define, just seems different, as though there is something there that should not be, or something that is lacking, but is quite noticeably different from average, normal grown-ups. In taking a closer look at his story-- if he is inclined to tell it with any degree of truthfulness-- it is important to recognize how a troubled childhood can manifest itself throughout one's adult life.

Bad mothers produce weak sons.

In addition to the disastrous consequences maternal abuse or neglect has on both the self-esteem and identity issues of male offspring, patterns generally arise which, left undetected and untreated, will discolor his life. The little boy who was not granted his due of a healthy, nurturing relationship with his own mother in early childhood will sabotage his chances of a successful intimate partnership in his adult years-- unknowing of the problems and the causes, he will begin attempting what is impossible: trying to structure the relationships with girlfriends and wives as if they were "stand-ins" for his maternal parent, to "un-do" the damage and re-create the original relationship as it should have been. It is no surprise that men at this stage often, without realizing it, select girlfriends and wives who bear uncanny resemblances to their mothers, either emotionally, physically, or in their personalities. He cannot see that he is attempting to gain his mother's love and attention through other women in his life.

When this attempt fails, as it logically does, he then proceeds to the stage where he "becomes his abuser." Failing to re-create his childhood relationship on better terms by unwittingly using others in that role, and unable to recognize the myriad of unresolved emotions he still feels toward his mother, he begins to believe that his anger is the fault of the women or woman who is currently in his life; and with shocking regularity, they become the target of his confused rage.

When the male is in complete denial about the source of his anger, he will also misinterpret his own motives for how he treats women. He may say he "loves women"-- refusing to acknowledge that using women as objects for his own gratification and need to control others is not love, but rather the mark of a misogynist. One who boasts of his sexual conquests, one who feels the need to orchestrate the every move of the female he has under his thumb-- this is a male who has been denied his masculine identity and seeks to claim it by victimizing others.
The characteristics of the misogynist are clear-- both in his viewpoints and his interpersonal actions. He may sweet-talk, he may promise; when these tactics-- which are no more than tactics-- fail, he will threaten, bully, and resort to a "no-holds barred" method of relating. But it is nearly impossible to not see the warning signs which show a crystal-clear portrait of who he is and where he's at-- such as the male who dismisses a group of his acquaintances as "they are not women- they are females."

At the extreme of the spectrum, when he tries in vain to turn the women in his life into the "good mother" he did not originally have, he will both resent women who are "good mothers" and deny that they are. Still holding the illusion, he is unable to say "My mother did wrong," and instead will say "All mothers did wrong, all women are abusive, no mother is a good mother."

The difference between men and boys is their toys.

In this type of pathological situation, that old cliché is not a joke. Adult-aged males who did not receive the proper upbringing for their masculine identity all too frequently overcompensate with "overly-masculine" behaviors and attitudes, choices of employment, and possessions. The male who consistently chooses jobs which emphasize a "macho" image, one whose pastimes are chosen to emphasize bravado and fearlessness, as well as those who need "the biggest, the baddest, the flashiest" vehicles, focus on the external rather than acknowledge the lack they feel within themselves.

A male who is in this position has two choices: he can either acknowledge that he has a serious problem, acknowledge where it came from, and seek professional help; or he can remain in denial, transfer his anger onto whichever woman happens to be a convenient target, and continue to sabotage his own chances for a fulfilling life. Unfortunately, choosing the latter-- either consciously or not-- is "the easier, softer way."