Recognizing & Recovering from Marital & Partner Abuse, Sexual Assault & Rape:

It is often spoken about the importance of clear communication skills in relationships. The importance of expressing clearly ones want, needs and desires; and also the priority of listening to the other and this being a skill of passive and active action in order to be proactive.

This continues to be vital to ensure clarity of ones own intention and awareness of another as well. In the event a person finds them selves in a relationship that develops unhealthy and even abusive habits, it is important to know how to recognize them, even if those close to you are unable or unwilling to validate what you are experiencing and have come to recognize.

It is understandable when challenged with less obvious forms of abuse, coercion, emotional, spiritual, mental or financial manipulation and/or sexual assault and even rape to promote the abusers desired results of control and power, the one victimized is most frequently motivated by fear, doubt and/or the above mentioned manipulation as to why they do not report the abuse. Many times it is also re-affirmed, especially because it is their spouse or partner, that it is not as bad as they mention or they are just complaining and have intimacy issues or lack communication skills them selves or are in some way blamed by those they turn to for support.

Some of the key factors to understand when it comes to abuse, rape, sexual assault and sexual abuse in a relationship is, 1) it does happen; 2) a wife (or husband) has a right to say no or stop, even after starting sex, have that request respected and without explanation; 3) even in a marriage or relationship, rape, abuse, sexual assault/abuse has nothing to do with sex - it is about the abuser asserting power and control over their victim.

There are definitions that may be helpful in better understanding how to indentify some of the forms of abuse or assault in order to make clear changes for self, family and be a stronger support.

One concern is that if a person feels they didn't state a powerful or forceful no, yet still didn't want to have sex, yet felt coerced, is this some kind of emotional black mail if they are made to feel guilty, pressured, manipulated or something of need withheld, etc so they feel they have to have sex to keep the peace? The answer is yes.

There is distressing tactics of coercion by such as continuous sulking, complaining and fault finding, and/or becoming angry with you, withdrawing the kind affection, withholding household money or constantly controlling your resources or blackmail, i.e. "I'll leave you; I can find anyone I want; I'll sleep with someone else; I'll spread rumors about you; I'll tell people you're crazy." "Finkelhor and Yllo call this type of rape 'interpersonal coercion' and state that it has devaluing and traumatic effect on women. (1) Furthermore, research has found that a higher proportion of women are upset by threats to leave them, than women subjected to physical force." (2)

There are other forms of sexual abuse which may or may not be inclusive with criminal sexual assault, however, are recognized forms of abuse that remain along the lines of the abusers desire to control, degrade or own the one they are victimizing and attempting to attain power over and are viewed as being abusive by the following behaviors and/or actions (just to name a few examples):

- Controlling your clothing, i.e. "you're not going out in that; are you/only wear sexy clothing for me"; also applying pressure to wear revealing lingerie.

- Repeated hints or pressure to engage in activities you have already stated you do not wish to do, i.e. partner swapping; anal sex; specific objects.

- Kissing or fondling you continuously in company. This may be a sign of affection, but insecure and possessive partners may do it as a sign of ownership or as a form of control. Under these circumstances, it has an obsessive or controlling feel and can be distressing; again, especially if you have already clarified specific public behavior boundaries for physical touch and what is socially acceptable or not.

- Sexually degrading names, i.e. "slut, whore." (3)

Realize that an unwanted touching of your genitals, breasts, unwanted/forced kissing or force to touch him or force to observe pornography is sexual assault.

Sexual assault and rape have been used interchangeably in some states. See the breakdown in definitions through RAINN, Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network.

To help a loved one: listen; be there; be nonjudgmental; it is not their fault -they didn't cause it or deserve it; listen; encourage counseling; empower them by not pressuring them to do anything they're ready to do yet; don't pretend it never happened; listen; your response can have a big impact on them, so take care of yourself -attain proper resources, support and get counseling.

(1) Finkelhor, David and Yllo, Kersti, License to Rape: Sexual Abuse of Wives, The Free Press, New York (1985)

(2) Russell, Diana E.H., Rape in Marriage, Indiana University Press, USA (1990)

(3) Aphrodite Wounded: http://www.aphroditewounded.org/definitions.html