Recycling Kids

I recently saw an article titled, "Start your children recycling early." This made me pause. And ponder the timing involved in this most momentous of decisions. When, exactly is the right time to recycle your children?

Not when they're brand new, obviously. Even though you might be totally cranky and far past sleep deprived, and even though all they seem to do is cry and poop, they're still relatively kissable, and they mostly smell good at this point.

I know many parents who would like to recycle their children when they've reached that terrible two toddler stage. This is the time of constant pouting and tantrums, where the only word you hear for days on end is "no" in varying decibels and intonations. And that's just you. But, along with the fact that it would probably be problematic getting them to sit still and wait quietly at the curb until the recycling truck picks them up, they're really cute when they're sleeping.

From age 5 to 10 is probably the worst time to decide to recycle them. Most of them aren't yet equipped to debate you successfully; there still being no winning argument to "because I said so, that's why," so they're still mostly malleable and somewhat agreeable. They can't yet reach the keys to your car, and their taste buds haven't gotten any more sophisticated than goldfish and Gummi bears so they're relatively inexpensive to feed and easy to keep track of. Plus, except for their sneakers, they aren't starting to smell bad yet.

Maybe it would be best to wait until they've reached adolescence. They certainly do have a peculiar odor by then. Some of them appear a bit moldy and frayed around the edges. A number of them have even begun to leak, possibly from all the additional weirdly placed holes they've acquired. You would, of course, have to figure out a way to get them to the curb for pickup. They're pretty heavy and hard to move by now. But, then, when you do get them to move and speak, you're so startled, they seem to be entertaining, even charming. So they could still be useful, even if there might be all sorts of evidence to the contrary. It might be best to wait a bit longer before you consider recycling them.

Perhaps it's time to recycle them when they've reached adulthood, but before they've moved out. You have to keep buying new things to keep them running smoothly and efficiently so they've gotten pretty expensive by now. But you kind of like them as actual people, and they smell really good again, having mastered the art of showering. They're a lot more fun and interesting and much more surprising than you could have ever imagined. And, just like the terrible twos, now they're way too busy to sit still at the curb waiting for the recycling truck to pick them up. Maybe you should wait until they get married.

By that time, of course, (hopefully) they have moved out, and it's not really your place to set them at the curb anymore. Plus, if you try to recycle them now, you're a whole lot less likely to be granted access to your grandchildren and a whole lot more likely to get all your other legal rights withdrawn by their attorney.

So maybe the author of the article was right. You're going to need to recycle your children early. Because if you don't, you're just going to get way too attached to them, and then it'll be too late to ever recycle them at all.