Red States, Blue States, Dumb States, Smart States

The other day, a woman came up to me and asked, "Frank, what is up with this blue state and red state crap they always talk about around election time?"

Immediately, I asked, "Who the hell are you and how do you know my name?"

The woman replied, "I'm your wife, you dumbass! Are you gonna' answer my question or not?"

The easy answer is this: The smart people live in the blue states and the dumb people live in the red states.

But I would prefer not making blanket statements like that when I could easily turn this into a rambling article of 700 words or more. So here are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions about our country's unique state coloring system.

Caution: Some of the facts in this article may have been slightly influenced by the author's elitist blue state attitude and his superior intellect.

Have we always had red and blue states?

No. Years ago, no one really knew where the elitists lived or where the dummies lived. America was one giant clusterf*ck! Thankfully, that has all changed.

Why red and blue? Why not green and yellow or orange and purple?

Well first of all, orange and purple would really look ugly on a map. But to answer your question, the two political parties selected their own colors. The democrats chose blue because it represents the color of the ocean on which so many wonderful immigrants sailed to America and helped form this great country. The color blue serves as a perfect symbol of what America is all about and I get chills just talking about it. The republicans chose red because, like their party's name, it begins with the letter "r" making it easy for these brain-dead individuals to remember which colored state they live in.

How do I know if I am in a red state?

Great question! There are a number of ways to figure out if you are in a red state. For instance:

If you find the name "Joe Six Pack" more than once in the phone book, you might be in a red state.

If you have ever taken your kids to a creationism-themed amusement park, you might be in a red state.

If you find yourself at a book-burning rally, you might be in a red state.

If FOX News Channel is your primary source for information, you might be in a red state.

If the phrase, "Git 'er done!" evokes laughter, you might be in a red state.

If Jeff Foxworthy is telling you that you might be a redneck, you might be in a red state.

It sounds like red states are all in the south. Is that true?

No. There are also red states out in sparsely populated areas of the country where people place great value on god, guns, and guts and place little value on brains. Montana, Wyoming and Sarah Palin's home state of Alaska are all excellent examples of this type of red state.

How do I know if I am in a blue state?

This one is easy. There are no churches in blue states. There are, however, schools that fill kids' heads with crazy things like science and sex education. There are also abortion clinics on every corner! Oh, and lots of homosexuals too. In fact, if you are in a blue state, there is a good chance that you'll see a Gay Pride parade. And some of these people may be--dare I say it?--married!

Tell me more about blue states. They sound fun!

They are! And depraved too. The most immoral of the blue states is California, that giant stretch of land that embraces the kind of sex and debauchery that we all long to be a part of. The center of this decadence is Hollywood, where there are no rules and most of the people are naked, high on ecstasy, and willing to engage in sexual intercourse with anything that moves. Hollywood is also home to a host of America-hating communist celebrities like George Clooney and Susan Sarandon.

The entire northeastern part of the U.S. is also made up of blue states and is filled with the eastern elite. "Elite," by the way, is republican for "educated." Barack Obama, who comes from another blue state, Illinois, is often referred to as elite. This is because he went to Harvard Law School, thinks before he speaks, doesn't say, "you betcha!" and knows how to pronounce the word "nuclear."

Are there states that are neither red nor blue?

Yes. These are called battleground states and they have nearly equal numbers of well-educated, intelligent, attractive people and republicans.