Redemption

The Ingi Son Za and us brothas from the Cling-Clang-Cho love to hear the serious questions of your theories that they raise. Da old clan San-Do-Me-But-NOT-With-A-Fork regrets to say to you this: "Give it to me baby, uh-huh, yes yes and yes please." It translates in Sanguan-Ho dialect like thiss: The Theory of Universe have a very many monkey in it, why no monkeys in that one about forgiving things. You think Monkey no deserve to be forgive, you son of a motherless Three-headed beast from Dalis-Den-Di?

The people of Ingi Son Za have a many, many copy of your book as high number as Sah which in Sanguan-Ho it means: two. The Clin-Clang-Cho we are a nurturing people's of the somewhere east. We got map but we no have map reader. He coming next winter on the wings of Fate, according to the prophecy of La-Gri-Mah. Us peoples pray that you receive our "Savosway" (letter) in less than ill health and that it may enlighten you of the ways of the Cling-Clang-Cho, so you may do da writing of many a monkey again.

A prayers onto da master of da theories to Un-San da Wise that he might see fewer pussies (cats) and many a monkey in da road.

Thanks,

Simon Sez, Senior Leader of Things That Write Squiggly brotha from Cling-Clang Cho, Husband of Virgin-Shinobi.

Disciple of Grand Master WuVanDo.

When I first got home and saw the letter in its entirety, wrapped around my "gift" (which from the Cling-Clang-Cho translated to big heavy rock), I began to spasm because I couldn't stop laughing. The letter was obviously sent to me by one of my more prominent "friends" who are in the business of pissing me off. The bunch of questions that people, therefore, asked about Master WuVanDo should be irrelevant but some of them are not.

"When WuVanDo taught the Cling-Clang-Cho, why wasn't he aware of the theory of the universe? (This is concluded by the fact that there isn't a map reader wherever they come from)--" Johnny Simms, Connecticut

This question has a point: Simon mentioned in his letter that they had two copies of my book yet there was nothing about the universe or space or time, just monkeys. In fact, it was a letter written to augment the monkey talk. It isn't even relevant to the theory of redemption. In making the previous statement, I realized that I had made an error because I "assumed" it didn't relate to the theory of redemption. You see my words could now be seen as a form of "dislike" or hate for monkeys (well, writing about them, in any case). I had then found myself with two things I didn't need (hate and guilt for those of you not paying attention), and with those two things comes the third and the third no one wants. I decided that to better promote leniency within myself and to redeem me in my own eyes, so that I wouldn't feel as guilty for hating monkeys (for I did for some time, though the monkeys were very friendly) in my latest edition of "The Theories." In regards to the question, I decided to write poor Johnny back because it wasn't his fault that there wasn't any monkeys before.

"Dear Johnny,

Who the heck cares?"

It was one of those moments that I couldn't forget. I'm sure that Johnny got a good laugh out of it and, at least, I made someone happy and it did make me feel better for the way I treated the monkeys (not the band).

Your letter is a waste of ink. WuVanDo does not do house calls and, obviously, he gets around in a beat up old mule with a monkey on his shoulder (everyone knows this). He isn't like a negotiations guy because his people don't have anything to negotiate with.You ever heard of trying to sell a rock to a pile of sand? Well, I have and it ain't pretty, Suze, now get the thought of anything to do with Wu visiting you out of your head. His mule doesn't cross oceans."

I felt way better after writing to Suzy because the great weight of explaining WuVanDo to people had been lifted off my shoulders. I, then, proceeded to answer Simon's letter, since any option of doing otherwise would result in not getting my full redemption for the way I treated the monkeys.

"Dear Simon Sez,

I wed yo letta wid gweat effffourt. It wad the bestest compliment I wad ever wad. Sowy to wide you like thif but I just geten a fiiight wid a cactus. My hand lostidit. I yam from the MyTeaweeBettaThaYors Clan. We speciality in dealing with special circumstuff (ya know, situations and junk). I wove that you wove monkey for I wide awot about monkey in my number two teawe and I hope you read it 'cause it be funny. I'm sowy to hear about yo map witter. Hanx for all the wove, yo's good buddy,

Jose"

With that my communication with the Cling-Clang-Cho has ended. It has brought me back to the theory, though which was what was supposed to happen. What happened next? Well, in the midst of it all, I met Death and he isn't a nice guy. I mean, you can go to the club with him but don't take him to meet your mom or anything like that."Dear Suzy,The girl, Suzy Inez, deserved an answer as well.The other two questions I considered about Grandmaster WuVanDo came from the same person, a girl from Boston. "Was WuVanDo a friend of other people and how does he get in contact with people to deliver the letters? (I think he does the "outside" negotiations since most of the Clans in that section have a restricted form of talk)."