Red's Java House in San Francisco, California: A Restaurant Review

Red's Java House has been in continuous business at Pier 30 since 1923, when it began slinging hamburgers and coffee to the hungry longshoreman who worked the area in the days when it was a commercial port and not condos for rich people. The place has maintained a working-class diner sort of feel throughout all these years, in spite of the extreme gentrification of the area all around it. There was a scary moment earlier this year when the Port was supposed to start charging them much higher rent and they were closed for seemingly the whole month of January, but they opened back up in February with some new owners at the helm.

The place has changed hands numerous times over the years, but the low (considering the extremely gentrified neighborhood) prices and the unpretentious vibe have always seemed to remain as a key component. Thus far this year that has largely stayed the same under the new ownership - prices have snuck up a bit, but are still far and away lower than pretty much any other restaurant within about 1/3 of a mile short of Subway and Taco Bell.

The place specializes in standard American diner breakfasts and lunches, with the option of getting a burger or hot dog with a beer in a combo for the value-minded recession drinker. Most plates run from about $6 to $8, which is not as good as it used to be just a couple of years ago, but still pretty good for a very touristy and high-traffic area with the super-rich living right next door.

Expect your burger to be decent, but very simple. One thing that's always irked me about this place is that they have a sign hanging out front advising you "don't even think about asking for lettuce or tomato on your burger." I guess it's supposed to be joky, but it just comes off as bullshit attitude. Look, I hate yupsters and rich picky people too, but seriously Red's, a slice of tomato and some lettuce are pretty widely accepted as basic burger toppings at this point and are not exactly "haute cuisine." You may get away with running this nonsense on comfortable yupsters who are deathly scared of confrontation over anything else in life, but I don't care for having your garbage little tough guy attitude in my face. You ain't impress me with that bullshit, Red's. You just cheap as a muhfuh, is the real problem here. Can't even be bothered to slice a damn tomato.

Fortunately me and Red's haven't had to take it outside as of yet since I don't even get their burgers. This is one of the few places in the city that serves up some really decent fish and chips at a decent price, so if I come here, that's what I get. A little over seven bucks and you get filling portions.

Beer selection could be better, but for 1.75 per can and 3 bucks per bottle, I guess you can't expect more than Bud and MGD. I noticed they serve Pabst now, which seems inevitable. Don't you people realize Pabst is about the worst beer ever? Hipsters, would you please stop drinking this crap so everyone around the damn city stops trying to serve it to me? I know you can afford better beer than this, seriously. First Red's wants to talk shit to me in the burger line and now here you go with your garbage beer. Copying a bunch of MP3s to a playlist don't make you a DJ, either, by the way. Just thought it was a good time to bring that up.

Uh, anyway ... so Red's does a whole lot of their business off the mobs going to and from Giants games during the interminable baseball season, so expect it to be wall-to-wall crazy just before and after those. Drop by any other time and it's usually a little busy, but no problem to get a seat. Saturday mornings they supposedly serve up killer corned beef and hash, but I'm not into corned beef so I haven't sampled that one. The coffee kinda sucks but otherwise, not bad all around. Way better choice than Fog City Diner, for sure.