Reflecting Back to Who I Am Now

I couldn't believe that so many changes could come about in one year. As I gazed into the mirror on the eve of my fortieth birthday I saw so much more than just my reflection. I cringed as I viewed myself sitting in a courtroom, dazed, as the Judge said, "Divorce granted." I watched as I swelled with pride and joy and sadness watching my youngest child, my baby girl, walk across a stage to proudly receive her high school diploma. I pondered at the tears flowing down my cheeks as that same child drove away in route to a distant college. Peering into that mirror I could definitely see that time was moving along.

I'm not sure how long I stood gazing into that empty looking glass. Maybe only second or maybe hours but in that time I found myself living life in reverse. I reflected back to driving lessons and first dates; to soccer games and first days of school; all the way back from holding that first child in my arms to my wedding day. Was I someone else before that day? Did I have plans and dreams besides those I had been living?

Time seemed to stand still as I continued to stare into my reflection. Standing there in the solitude of that empty house my eyes blurred with tears. I thought to myself, "Everyone has moved on. What do I do now?" For the first time in my life I felt lost. I no longer knew what my purpose was nor if I even had a purpose.

I was jolted back to the present with the incessant ringing of the phone. Feeling somewhat devastated and preferring to wallow in my isolation, I didn't even touch it. Instead, I looked back to the reflection in the mirror desperately seeking answers to the questions plaguing my heart and soul. With tears still flowing, I scrutinized that forty year old woman standing before me in that mirror. The years had certainly brought about some changes in her.

As my fingers ran across the wrinkles and gray I was seeing reflected in that mirror I was surprised as a slight smile crossed my lips. New visions were seeping into my mind. I could hear the laughter of my children as we talked and played together. I remembered our excitement as, together, we applied for colleges and rented their first home away from home. I recalled the many discussions I had the privilege of participating in of future plans, hopes and dreams. My, how quickly they had grown up; how quickly time is moving.

In that very moment, as I stood gazing into my reflection, I realized that, while I had indeed been living the life of my children, it is my life too. All of these things I have witnessed in the mirror here today are the very things that I had hoped for. They are, up to this point, what defines me and makes me who I am. And, as if a grand awakening for me, I had answered all of my own questions. I can clearly see myself and my own future. Yes, I know that time will continue to march on and there will be more changes coming but for this moment, this one fragment of time, I am exactly who I want to be.