Reflection: Death

At my almost twenty-two years, I have never been in death's face. No close calls or anything. You would think I would be proud of this confession. I'm not in a lot of ways. I want to experience that feeling of losing everything in a single moment then gaining in back and more in return. I am sure that I would have a better grasp on reasons I should be happy I'm alive. It would force me to double check everything I've known or worked for. Life is precious but I want something more. I don't consider that being greedy because I'm not asking for a lot. And my reasons are good. I rarely, if not ever, have superficial thoughts. My death will not be because of superficiality either. If death was in my control, I would want it to be as natural as possible. Some days I even do my own personal countdown. Counting the years, months and days I've lived. Sometimes, I go forward and count how many years, months, and days I should have left. Of course, if fate allows. And if I do have time to prepare, what will be the last word I speak on my deathbed? And should one make a speech? I don't anything about the formalities of lying and dying.

I often think about how I'll go. Since my quiet nature, I always figured I would have a higher chance of dying in my sleep. I realize that it isn't a sure thing. But, because of old age? Not likely. I'm not that fortunate. Even the kindest people are not given that opportunity. If I could get a glimpse of my dying day, that would mean the world to me. No, not in a morbid kind of way, my intentions are good. I would love to have time to prepare for what is to come. I want to be in a state of mind where I can accept whichever outcome it will be. I don't like surprises and I never have. I believe that death shouldn't be a surprise. I think that is only fear I have about dying. It's not the potential pain or the constant struggling that I am worried about. It is the 'sudden' part that gets to me. And what about my location? What if I drop dead at the mall? The last thing I will see and hear is bright tacky store signs and loud teenagers. Or maybe at the supermarket, shopping for fruits and ice cream. It is just weird. I also wonder what I'll be like on those last few days on earth. Will I be happy? Or just content? What will my last thought be? Something as big as wanting to take a trip somewhere. Or a small thought, like wondering if I remembered to lock the front door. Just thinking about it terrifies me. I do know that I never want that day to be full of regret.