Reflection of the Last Year of Childhood

So i have been missing in action for a while and just taking time to myself. i sort of realized i was going back to my old reserved yet nerdy self and just kind of taking a vacation in my head.

I started to think.. oh my god. have i really changed so much that i am unrecognizable? I mean... i don't even know what makes me happy anymore. Ha Ha. Have I ever been happy? Or, is happiness just an illusion we have to pull ourselves threw our own personal toucher.

Goodness gracious. The last time i smiled and really remember feeling somewhat thrilled and alive was when "he" was still around, and i still hate how i just sort of turned my back on everyone that ever meant anything to me. It was because of who i was at that very moment. It was because of who someone had made me at that moment.

Sometimes i think i should just be that selfish bitch everyone knows. The one who basically, in so many words, uses people to get to where ever it is they want to go. Those people i have met and those people are the happy ones. Or at least the happiest ones i have ever met. Maybe that is the goal. Get ahead by destroying the composition, because i mean... everyone is the competition when it comes to trying to figure yourself out.

Demons and Devils. Everyone has some, but maybe those demons are our drive in some demented way that only god knows. Without hate in our blood, without misery, and without all the famous seven sins, we wouldn't be anywhere, we wouldn't be anyone. For they all act upon each other and all of them are what makes our blessings.

There are a lot of things that a person will learn in their life and many questions that will be unanswered. I have figured out though that we can have the answers for those questions that we seek. Life is all cause and affect. If we choose to listen. Answers will come.

Tests are what make us stronger and ultimately kill us in the same breathe. Mental, Physical, Spiritual tests. Things that are intertwined, pain, sorrow, and fear, are also accommodated by the happier emotions life has to offer, such as joy, pleasure, and certainty. Without life's many tests however, how would we ever know the difference between sorrow and happiness. All emotions would be the same, nothing would ever change.

A persons mind is the strongest thing probably in the world. The whole: "If you think you can do it then you can," is all true, although on a short leash. I have actually come to terms with the fact that if you have the mental strength to survive threw any trauma in life, then you are a strong person.

One more thing i have observed this year.... many things come at you. This is life. Some things you cant control and others that you may THINK you can. But what it all boils down to.. there is no thing on this earth you really can control yourself. Everything, and i mean literally everything, is Dependant on something Else. Like an unborn child is Dependant on the mother for life. Everything needs something Else there pushing it along to work out properly.

So why do i feel the intensity to have to talk about all the things i have said above? Well.. its the end of the year and lets face it, for anyone who has known me for almost as long as i can remember, knows that this year has been the worst of my life. A lot of bad things have happened. Most of them know only because they have been there right beside me or right in the middle of the horrible things that have occurred this year. Most of my friends trauma's have been caused by me or have started over me. So they would know that being 17 is the only year i will remember with hate and with sadness, and yet somehow a small lining of happiness.

Point being, the worse this year got the more i learned, especially when i began to actually listen to everyone and myself. I am dangling on the edge of sanity and insanity, waiting for one person or one event to push me off into a direction of certainty. Wither it be sanity, in which case i suppose life will go on as me being a quiet and kept to myself girl, with brilliance that no one will see and that someone will manipulate to make their own desires become a reality..... Or i will be pushed to insanity and live how i have always wanted to, letting the wind blow me to my next fall or my next break. Following my heart and my conscience to a place i will never want to leave, and yet somehow, never return back to the thing that is reality, and eventually drown in my own dreams. But drowning with joy. I guess thats just the question though that everyone waits their whole life on. What Now?

May peace follow me into adulthood. Peace of mind and peace of spirit. I am by no means a religious person, but trust me, tonight and every night i will silently pray for a bright and happy future, of few bumps and few scraps. Our lives are our greatest pieces of art. What we paint on the canvas, will not go away but instead just become part of the picture. Our past doesn't leave, but our future is open wide and blank. So this is the question i leave.. is my masterpiece going to be something i will enjoy showing to someone else or one of the things i try to hide from embarrassment?

Only time can tell.