Reflection: Pain

The pain that I feel will probably never heal with time. Pain is a raw emotion. And it has destroyed many lives. I hate pain for it's destructive patterns. I remember feeling true pain for the first time when i was about five years old. I think that was when I began to see everything on TV and life in a different light. There were TV shows and then there was true life. At first, I could not distinguish fantasy from reality. As I watched the news programs I felt a similar, but raw emotion. When I watched movies, my family would explain that, that was fake. Everything I was watching was pretend and that was all. And the stuff that was on the news was actually happening. I remember the looks on the news anchor's face and it resembled my own. I remember when I heard my first horror story. Someone had been brutally killed and the reason was unknown. The pain that I felt was new to me. At the time, I thought that everyone was suppose to feel like me. As I got older, I quickly learned that the people who try to inflict pain on you are everywhere you go. I have got into a few arguments growing up because others thought it was okay to treat me like dirt. I do not like fighting, but I most certainly was okay with keeping myself safe. I have gotten into fist fights and I hated them during it and way after. I am still cringing as I type this now.

I don't enjoy pain or anger. It is not what makes me, me. It still hurts me deeply when I watch television. It's not even about the news anymore, in general people are becoming more and more terrifyingly inhuman. What is causing everyone to somehow be dehumanized and insensitive? I know you can track pain from childhood. Everyone hurts from pain in some way. Yet, people act as if they are alone in the matter. Then all of those feelings are constantly bottled up as they reach adulthood. Then more pain and anger presents itself. You feel like one little thing can make you want to explode. I know that feeling. But, instead of inflicting it one someone else, I find ways to manage it. It seems like everyone is jumping on board the crazy ship from hell. At this point in time, I'm disgusted to be called a person. It is painful to watch others on a downward spiral to another plane of existence. Let's not allow pain be the new love.