Reflections of a Breakup: Conclusion - Peace

The last time I wrote an entry in this series, I was finally beginning to come to terms with my post-breakup life. I'd found out that Jay had met someone and they'd become pretty serious, pretty fast. I had decided then that I would try and limit my contact with him for my own well being, and I did. Since the time of that piece he and I have only spoken a handful of times and it's definitely been a catalyst in helping me get more comfortable with my own life.

It would be terribly hard to cut off all ties with Jay. People have said that we couldn't or shouldn't stay friends and that we should have no contact whatsoever, but I've never been a believer in fitting into anyone's expectations of what should be. I had always believed that Jay and I would have been great friends had we never fallen into a relationship because our likes and personalities are so similar. Even today, we still find much to talk about and with each phone conversation the sadness and regret that once surrounded me afterwards abates more and more.

During the time since that last piece I've been focusing a lot on myself, trying to enjoy life and playing the field. I'm finding that I enjoy being single, for the most part, and that it's probably what I've always wanted. It may have taken me awhile, almost three full years, but I'm finally in a comfortable place and no longer dwell on the 'what ifs' or any other such regret.

A couple of weeks ago Jay called to find out how my trip was. I'd taken an eight day road trip with some friends to ride roller coasters, something that he and I had done in the past. That unexpected phone call turned out to be the revelation that put me at total peace.

As I told Jay about the trip, retracing some steps we had taken fifteen years earlier in Cleveland, he sounded a little like he'd wished he was there. Knowing that I had visited Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water was the icing on the cake. I had only even known about the place through Jay, who had studied architecture in college and always wanted to go there.

"I got to tell you John...I'm a little jealous that you're having all this fun." It was the first time he'd ever said anything like that. "You know, you're doing all these fun things and I'm going out to dinner, watching TV, or spending time with one of the families." (Jay's new beau has a large Irish family just like his, and they're always spending time together.) "That's okay, though, you know it's what I like."

The next subject in our conversation was something I'd been expecting. About a month prior, Jay had dropped another unexpected surprise. I'd known he had been looking for a house to buy. He'd been renting ever since he left our house and he's wanted his own house again in the worst way. He told me that "we" had put an offer on a house. I really hadn't thought that they'd been looking together, so hearing it was a bit of a shock, but it turned out to be the last bit of news that would ever bother me. When I saw him at a party a couple of weeks later, I didn't want to know what happened with the offer, so I avoided him completely.

The house was one of the reasons for this call. Their offer had been accepted by the owner and Jay would indeed be buying his second home with his new partner of a little over a year. It was what I expected to hear, and I know that Jay was telling me because he didn't want me to hear about it from anyone else.

"I'm really happy for you guys." I told him, and for the first time since we broke up, I was. He tried explaining his reasoning for buying the new house with his partner, the money issue, and how comfortable he felt with Bill, the new guy. He spoke of their relationship and how he always fell for the "sweet guys." It was another sort of indirect complement and gave me some validation that the twenty years we'd spent together was not for nothing.

We spoke for over an hour, about family and work, about memories and our suddenly affable relationship. The last bit of regret that had hung over me for the past three years was gone. I was glad for the conversation, for through it I began to see things as clearly as ever.

We were young when we started dating and of course neither one of us could have known what we really wanted in life. Through the years, those inner desires within ourselves became clearer to both of us and I think that deep inside, we both knew that we wanted different things. All Jay ever wanted was to be comfortable with someone, to live a contented life with no drama, no muss. I, on the other hand, always had something in me to be a free spirit, to seek enjoyment and happiness out in the world somewhere. Being tied down to one person in a home in suburbia did not truly make me happy.

To young twenty-somethings, these deep seeded wants could never have been realized, but now, with both of us in our forties, we now understand that this separation of our lives was inevitable. But we both can appreciate all of the memories, good and bad, that we experienced during for such a long time together. I can now say that I am at peace with my life right now. I no longer feel that maybe I made a mistake by letting Jay go, or that I regret the time we had together. No, I can look back upon those memories with fondness, and yet know that that's all they are: memories of a former life.

Towards the end of the conversation, Jay asked me if I wanted to see the house online. He wanted to give me the Multiple Listings number. "Nah," I told him. I'll tell you what, when you and Bill move into your house, I'll come for a visit and meet him. I think it's time."

"Wow, you said 'Bill!'" Sarcastically, whenever I had to ask about or mention the guy, I'd always use another name just to bust chops. "How's Brian?" or "How's Brad?" I would ask, eliciting annoyed responses every time. This time, however, I said his name because I could.

"I'm sure Bill's a great guy." I added. "I'm okay and believe me, I'll be cool. Remember, I'm a sweet guy and I won't make him uncomfortable, really." I meant what I said. And so now Jay is moving into his new home with Bill. I can honestly say I'm happy for them. All of the feelings of self-doubt and low self esteem because of the breakup have dissipated. I'm at peace, and now is the time to forget the past and look to the future. I have no idea where this road is taking me, but I'm going to enjoy the ride!

*The series, "Reflections of a Breakup" is a collection of memoirs I've written to chronicle the aftermath of the end of a twenty-year relationship. Like all experiences in life, the process has been a learning experience that will help me to get through the rest of my life in peace and with more direction. I've shared these stories with two thoughts in mind.

In sharing these memoirs, I would hope that others who have experienced such a dissolution of a relationship can find comfort in realizing that what they've experienced is not unique to them. Secondly, I hope that I have demonstrated that same sex relationships are not altogether different from the heterosexual ones. I'm sure that many of the emotions and experiences I've undergone have happened in straight relationships, as well.

Though I had never planned an ending to this series, I do plan to let this one finish here. I feel that I'm in a good enough place now that I no longer need to revisit the issue. I have a feeling that Jay and I will be friends for a long time to come, and that even Bill will be a part of that fray. With confidence I can say that I am looking forward to it. Thanks for reading!

For past issues in the series, please click here.