Reflections of a Breakup: An Epilogue in a Search for Happiness

It's been quite awhile since I've added anything to this series, but since it is the latest part of a story that I'm still living with almost four years on, I feel the need to share it. It all started innocently enough: during a conversation I had with one of Jay and my mutual friends yesterday, I asked about Jay. Ever since my last piece in this series, he and I have had a peaceful, friendly relationship, but of course there's been a necessary degree of space between us and so I only catch up with here and there.

That was last September and he and his new partner Bill had just bought a new house together. A lot of things have happened since then. That original house deal fell through and Jay and Bill have had a long, rough winter looking for a new place, which they finally found recently. Jay had stopped by for a visit not long ago and told me all about it. Things had gone much more smoothly this time and they were awaiting a closing date. As I said last September, I am happy for him, I truly am, but after I asked my friend the question yesterday, I was hit with a little dose of reality.

"He closed on Wednesday." That was all he needed to say.

I don't know why, but the news, though I knew was forthcoming, hit me a little harder than I expected it to. All I could do was picture the two of them at the closing table, signing their new lives away together, and smiling all the way. I was suddenly feeling sorry for myself until I thought twice about it.

My recent series, 'Keys to Life,' has been forcing me to do a lot of introspection, and I've been trying to apply the principles set forth in the series to my own life. I wholeheartedly believe that all of the ten principles I've been talking about are valid aspirations towards a happy, healthy life, yet I know that even though I talk about them, I surely don't follow all of them as I believe I should, not yet anyway, but I'm getting there.

There are three keys which come into play here: live in the present, take chances, and stop blaming everyone else. When I read and reread these words of wisdom, I try and relate them to my own life, where it stands at this moment in time. I think I've got the first one licked, as far as Jay and I are concerned. There was a time when I regretted what went on in our relationship and I probably let it linger a bit too long, but that's no longer the case.

The other two are not as easy, and yet I am working hard to get there. I realize that I have no one else to blame for the state my life is in, single or coupled. The choices that I have made have brought me to this point and I must take chances to get where I want to be. I guess that's where yesterday's news came into play. Expecting something to happen and that thing actually happening invoke two separate feelings. The fact that Jay closed on his house jolted me into thinking about my own state and was a wake-up call to start thinking about what's really going to bring me the happiness I seek.

I guess I'm just in a tough spot these days. Being in my mid-forties and single is both exhilarating and scary at the same time. In a lot of ways I enjoy being single, but a recent relationship has had me wondering about that. I'm not in a place emotionally to be searching for a relationship, yet this recent relationship has taught me that I do want one eventually.

From here on I need to stop worrying about what's going on in the lives of others and focus on making the right choices and taking chances to find whatever it is I want. Until I do, I'm going to be happy for Jay and Bill. From what I hear he's a nice guy and I know he'll give Jay what he wants in life. In the meantime, I've got to keep searching for my own happiness, whatever that is.