Reflections Over a White Christmas Tree

Last night, I was getting something out of the storage room in our apartment and I looked through the window. The neighbors behind us own a beautiful, old-fashioned house with a huge porch - complete with two wooden rocking chairs - on which they've set up a glowing white Christmas tree. The only way I can describe the combination of house and tree is to say that it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting. I stood there for a minute watching the tree glow angelically and felt a stab of pain in my heart. I realized that looking at it meant nothing to me. As beautiful as it was, the tree was just a sad reminder of a holiday that I no longer really care about. Whatever emotions of joy, or hope, or fond memories it should have stirred within me just aren't there anymore. All I felt was a kind of deep sadness like my heart was buried at the bottom of Timmy's well. The good old days are long behind me.

Sorry Christmas, I just don't love you anymore.

My rational mind knows it's because 2007 has been one of the worst years of my life. There hasn't been one single defining event that was horribly traumatic. No one died, neither of my homes burnt down, and I've been relatively healthy all year long. And, for the first time...well, ever...I actually have a day job that I like and enjoy.

So, what's the problem?

Two things: money and relationship problems. Both have slowly drained all the hope and faith out of me over the course of the past year. It's not been any one big hit; just a series of continual disappointments, daily crisis's to deal with, and a slow, steady downpour of bad decisions that are accumulating into an avalanche - the kind you get caught under and can't dig your way out of.

And, the stress is wearing my partner and I into the ground. I don't think I can remember the last time we had a whole day to ourselves that we didn't have to worry about bills that needed to be paid, chores that needed to be done, or didn't have something else to distract us from spending time with each other. As you can imagine, two people living under that amount of constant daily stress do not get along well - especially when they have no time to try and remember why they got together in the first place. It seems like all we do is jump from one problem to the. Romance is a distant memory at this point because there are too many practicalities in the way.

Which is why I hate the holiday season most of all. As bad as the rest of the year is, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's are 100 times more stressful. There are family functions to deal with, presents to buy - and it's always a big joy to think about shopping when you can't even pay your electric bill - plus dozen of other obligations piled on top of the ones you were already buried under. It's enough to make you want to take a bottle of rum and a handful of Valium to bed with you and try to sleep through the rest of the year.

But, then this I went again to grab my coat and saw the tree again. It looked cold and weathered in the early morning light. Whatever beauty it had the night before had burnt off by daylight. It didn't even look Christmassy anymore. It was just a big tree with a lot of stupid lights. I respect how hard the couple works to keep their backyard beautiful and full of holiday cheer, but it's a tenuous illusion at best. Although, I have to admit I almost like it better during the day because it doesn't remind me of anything I might have lost.

Except when I think about it now, I keep seeing the painting-perfect image I saw last night. That's what's stuck in my head. The big, comfortable porch; the happy family that lives inside, the warmth that seems to exude from that house no matter how cold and snowy it is outside, and the tree that glows so bright its light extends all the way into my cramped little apartment. Maybe it extends into my heart a little as well, because, somehow I can't bring myself to totally hate anything so beautiful; even if I resent it a little from time to time.

So, I can't honestly say I don't love Christmas anymore. I just wish things would slow down a little, so I have time to remember what made it special in the first place.