Reflections on Recovery from Sexual Child Abuse, Part 3

I was sexually abuse by my older step brother between the age of 10 and 13. This sexual abuse happened on the heels of and concurrent with emotional and physical abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother and step father. Those of you who ahve read part 1 and part 2 of this series are familiar with the details of this abuse. At age 13, I was already a compulsive masturbater and was already viewing online pornography regularly. I was severely depressed, suicidal, isolated, relying only on myself, trusting no one. I never felt "love" except from my abuser. I never felt I could trust anyone enough to tell them about my emotions.

Between the age of 13 and 16, I was spiraling downward toward death. I had no control over my life, over my feelings. I didn't have the skills I needed to deal with life in general, let alone the difficult and abusive situations in which I found myself from age 4. It was in this frame of mind that I met her. She was pretty, quirky, unique. I fell in love with her. We began dating (as much as two 16-year-olds without a car between us could "date") just before my 16th birthday. I credit her with my being alive today.

Our relationship started small and grew quickly. She had problems of her own, so I felt she understood me for my problems. At the time, I knew what had happened between my brother and I was wrong, but I did not see it as mollestation or abuse until much later. I also did not see my family dynamic as abusive, just difficult. I had already decided not to tell her about my compulsive sexual behavior and my experience with my brother within the first week of our relationship. I knew that if I ever told her, she would not love me for what I was. She would hate me, shun me, leave me just like my abuser had. These secrets of mine have always been mine to carry with me to the grave. I always thought that it would be easier to take my own life than to tell anyone about my true self. This became more and more apparent to me as our relationship progressed over years.

Because the only person I had ever felt really cared about me and loved me had also abused me, I had learned that the only way I could really be connected to another person was to be sexual with them. This subconscious knowledge coupled with normal teenage hormones on both our parts drove us to become sexual very quickly in our relationship. We began touching eachtoher within 2-3 months and were having oral and vaginal intercourse in under 6 months. At one point I became afraid of how serious the relationship was getting. We were talking about children and marriage and about being together forever at age 16. I wasn't sure that's what I was supposed to do at that age, so I broke off the relationship. However, within a week, we were back together and stayed that way for the next decade.

As you can see, the foundation of this relationship was built on the wreckage of my life and the abuse I suffered. I related to her as I had with my abuser. Sexualizing love and caring. I feared myself for what I really was and knew that I would be rejected if she ever found out the truth. So I was from the beginning lying about myself, not fully committed to the relationship, hiding my true identity from the one person with whom I was supposed to be 100% truthful. I never loved myself, so I never truly loved her. I felt I needed to be with her to survive, that without her I had no life, no reason to live.

This need compelled me to stay with her even when I questioned if that was what I really wanted. Everything around me told me I was supposed to go out and experience life and settle down later. Staying with someone from high school on was wrong. I felt attracted to other women at times. I began to feel trapped in this relationship. At times I was happy and content, and at other times I was claustrophobic and anxious. We stayed together through high school and decided to go to college together. We maintained our relationship through college, though my addiction grew exponentially worse and she caught me on a few occasions. These breaches in trust created tension between us which again opened to door to the possibility of being without her. For over a year at this point, I had an "emotional affair" with a mutual friend of ours. I felt that I was falling in love with this woman, but that I was still in love with my fiance as well. I was very confused. She found out about this and I was forced to break off the affair and completely turn my back on a friend in order to maintain my relationship. Again, I needed her to survive. The prospect of being without her was too terrifying to contemplate.

In the wake of this, I committed my first of 4 infidelities. The first was with a man. My deep issues with my own sexuality (due to the abuse I suffered from another male), coupled with my unhappiness in my relationship and my sexual addiction drove me to this act. Following the act, I planned to kill myself. Six months later, I married my wife after another incident with her catching me in my addiction. Prior to our wedding, following this incident, we went to a relationship counselor for one single session in which I vehemently denied there was anything wrong with me. I was a man and men looked at pornography. This was the only time I had ever seen a counselor for any reason in my life.

Following our wedding and graduation from college, the Army moved us to Georgia. I was stable in my addiction for close to a year after the wedding before I again sought out my lustful drug. I became a periodic addict. Whenever I was at home with my wife (and later my son) around, I was stable. I still compulsively masturbated, but without the pornography (I saw the pornography as the problem, not the masturbation). However, whenever my wife was away or whenever I was away somewhere without her, I would go on a sexual bender, looking at images and videos for hours on end. We were married for two and a half years when I was again unfaithful. It was with a man again. There were three other men with me, but we were paired off. This time, I freaked out over what I was doing and left halfway through. I had begun to see that I had a real problem. A few days after this, I got in contact with a woman. I had always wondered what it was like to be with another woman since I had only ever been with my wife. Wasn't I missing out on something? I was unfaithful again.

After this, I secretly sought out STD testing. I feared the danger I had put myself and my wife in. Then she went to Iraq, I moved back to Washington with my son, stayed with my in-laws to save money. Now that my wife was gone all of the time, I had no external force to restrain myself from my addiction. During the year of her deployment, my addiction grew out of control until it was all that I did. I would come home, take care of my son, put him to bed, and then spend hours in my addiction, losing sleep and functionality over it. I was unfaithful again, with a man again. I was not able to complete this act either.

My in-laws discovered evidence of what I was doing. At the time, I was planning another infidelity. They confronted me and my world came crashing down around me. My problem was no longer confined within me and between my wife and I with the little she did know. Now it was out and I had to kill myself or face it. My first instinct was suicide. Because of my son, I didn't do this. I confessed to my wife everything I had done. I lost the one thing that had kept me alive since I was 16. I was completely alone. No friends, no relationship with my family, my son taken away from me for fear I would abuse him.

Today, my wife and I are getting separated and will likely divorce. I have discovered that I can live without her, that I don't need her for survival. I am learning to love myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, to accept my past and what was done to me. The relationship I had with my wife allowed me to survive to this point so I could finally realize the man I could be. Even though I have lost everything I once held dear, I feel better about myself and about my life than I ever have before. I love my wife. But I love myself and my son more, and those are the two things that matter in the long run. I pray that God will guide me through this difficult time and that I will come out the other side a better man and a better father.