Regrets

Do you have regrets? Is there a single moment in your life that you would do differently if asked? Is there a day you would change? A conversation you wouldn't have had? A phone call you would have made? A person you would have avoided? A place you would have gone? A meal you wouldn't have eaten? A desert you would have? Is there a chance you would have taken? Or an opportunity you would have pounced on? Would you change your path in any way, no matter how small? Can I ask you, Why?

Now don't get me wrong, there are things that I have done or saw or said or heard, that I wish I hadn't....but do I regret them? I can't really say that I do. I mean, who would I be today if I hadn't spent the night in a tent in the backyard when I was 8.... and afraid of the dark.....and spiders.....and bugs.......and....well, you get the picture. That is to say, if there was a single moment in my life that I could do over again if I had the chance, would I? My answer would have to be, positively, absolutely, without a doubt...NO. Why? You may ask. I'll tell you why, if you'll just give me a moment. You see, I am the mother of 4 wonderful, incredible, beautiful, gifted children. Each and every one of them a blessing in every way. The sunshine they bring to my life far outweighs any sorrow, or regret, that I could possibly have. What I mean to say is, if every moment in my life from birth to now, this moment, would not have happened the way that they did...then I wouldn't be the person I am today; And I kinda like who I am these days.

Are you following me? No? Ok, I'll slow it down a pace or two for ya. It's kinda like ripples in a pond. If you throw a small rock into a pond, you get a lot of little ripples. These ripples continue on and on and on. But, just imagine that the rock was say.... roughly the size of...Oh, I don't know, a bowling ball. Yeah, a bowling ball! Well, with that you get a few big ripples that seem to drift away into nothing after only a tip or two. Still to fast? Ok, try this. Let's say, back in High School, you (the person who was to shy to even make eye contact with anyone) had decided not to take drama as a cure for shyness? What do you think would have happened? How would that one decision change your entire life? And the lives of your children? Are you thinking? Scary, once you think about it, isn't it? However, because you DID take drama in High School, you had the courage to manage - an albeit extremely quiet but - audible hello to the cute jock who passed you in the hallway on his way to practice, who just happened to scare the beejeesus out of you because he knew your name and he was a popular kid and you didn't think he even knew you existed, but obviously he had which meant he had thought about you which meant...Oh, sorry, bit of a tangent there. Forgive me. Ok, so, nooooowwwww are you with me? No. Wow, I didn't think you were that thick. Oh well, nuthin' I can't handle.

Ok. So we covered the pond and ripples thing, we covered the whole High School drama thing, what else can I use? Hmmm, well....let's think about this. Think real hard for a minute, back to when you were a teenager. Are ya thinkin'? Good! Ok, remember that guy in High School? That guy that you knew was theone? That guy, that when he hugged you, made your knees go weak? You know.... THAT guy? The guy you eventually married? Yeah, that one. Ok, so what would have happened if you had gotten together in High School? If you had actually managed to scrape up enough courage to let him know you were madly in love with him and the only one that would ever be able to make him happy? Well, in all actuality, not only would he have run screaming the other direction, he probably would've had you locked up in the local psycho ward....at least until he realized you were right. But think about it. If you had dated in High School, would you still be together now? Would you have the same kind of connection that you have now? Would you appreciate what you have now if you hadn't waited twenty years to find each other again? Something worth thinking about, right?

And let's take our kids as an example. What if you hadn't decided to go out cruising on a Monday night on the main drag of your hometown? Would you have still met the good-looking blue-eyed blond that fathered 2 of your exceptionally incredible children? Ok, so he turned out to be the scum of the earth, lower than worm dung and more useless than the Bush administration, that is all entirely beside the point...you got two of the most precious gifts in the universe. And what if you hadn't taken leave of your senses out of shear loneliness and self-loathing that you hooked up with a tall, skinny, vampyric love God (ok, so that's just what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night, but it sounded good...didn't it? Well?.....Fine.)? Would you still have gotten pregnant? Would you have decided to keep the baby instead of putting it up for adoption? Would it have hurt just as much even though you knew? Knew that, being a single, out of work, already with 2 kids, one of which had a pretty severe health issue and was still just a baby himself, mother, you knew that he would be better off? Would you still have met the Angel's sent from the heaven's that adopted the baby? Would they still be part of your family? Would you still send them Christmas presents? Hell, would it have even been a girl instead of a boy? And would you have still moved to Timbuck-fuckin' nowhere to spend the last days of a dying old woman's life with her? Then, would you have, after only a year of being in that hellhole, have the courage to leave your Mother behind and come back to the place you were raised because, suddenly, you missed it (and by it, I mean "Them". The friends, the friends you barely talked to when you were gone, but left such a huge, gaping whole in your heart because they weren't there? Yeah, them) so much that it felt like you might go crazy? Would that then mean that you would never meet the useless piece of human flesh that fathered your youngest ray of sunshine? And where would that leave you? Still in Paradise? Possibly. Or possibly alone, possibly even more broke than you currently are, possibly crazier than you are, not having ever gone to that stupid High School reunion website and seeing the name of the only man you ever truly wanted, right there, glaring at you...as if it had always been there.... every on of the 500 other times you checked, even though we all know, that this was the very first time it had ever been there. I know, I'm scaring you! I'm scaring me for Christ's sake! Whew!

And while we are on the subject, think about your kids? Do you like your kids? Do you like who they are and what they do? Well, I like mine. I think they rock. Yeah, they've given me enough headaches to keep the aspirin empire going for the next 30 years, but would I want them to be any different? Wow, what a question! Let me ask you this, Have you ever loved someone so deeply with every fiber of your being? So much so, that the mere suggestion of the thought that you could lose them forever, never see them again, for as long as you live, and when that possibility becomes an actuality, it feels like razorblades shredding your heart? Ever loved someone like that? No? Well I do. SIX of them. And believe me, it's no picnic to love someone like that! Four children that I gave birth to. 3 that I have raised from the time they came into the world. One that the universe sent me so that I might bring a blessing and no small amount of love to a couple of Angels. One that I intend to, one day real soon, get in front of a preacher, and one that came with him. Now, don't think that, just because they don't live with you, or you didn't give birth to them that they are any less a part of that which makes you tick. They evoke just as much joy, sadness, aggravation and pride as those that are blood related. And by that token you can add all the rest of my wonderful nieces and nephews, those blood related and those of my dearest and closest friends. But I'm getting WAAAAAYYYYY off topic here. What was my topic again? Oh yeah, regrets. As I said before, I don't have any.

That is to say, if I changed anything along my life path and did one thing differently, then I wouldn't be who I am today, and although where I am at this very moment in my life might be painful or broke, or stressed, or worried, or angry, or terrified, or whatever, I like who I am, and I like where I am, and I like my kids!!! And I like who they are! My children are who they are because of the path I've taken in life, because of the decisions...good, bad or ugly....that I have made. My children wouldn't be the same children they are now without the influence, and yes even the genes of the rotten slimeballs that fathered them, of the things that have happened in my life. If I changed anything in my life to this point, they might not be who they are, and who they are, is pretty damned terrific. So, when you feel like your life is spinning out of control and you wish you had done something, anything, differently...think very hard about it...then think about it again. Is everything really so bad? Would you like who you would be better if you could change that one thing? Would your situation be better? Would you like where your life was more than where it is? Perhaps you would, but maybe...just maybe...you wouldn't. So, trust that you are where you should be at this time in your life and don't second guess the things you can't change anyway.