Relationship 101: The Controlling Relationship

So you have met the man of your dreams. He sends you flowers. He opens the door for you. He spares no expense in caring for you. Your friends are envious. You think you have hit the jackpot. Life could not get any better. Then it happens. You wake up, you look in the mirror, and you realize that you no longer know who you are. You have lost yourself somewhere in the midst of your perfect relationship. What caused such a transformation? Chances are you have placed yourself in a controlling relationship. Still unsure? Read on to see if these scenarios apply to you.

He Lacks Appropriate Boundaries

Some people say that the perfect relationship is achieved when two people successfully function as one. While this is a romantic idea, it is skewed in its accuracy. A boundary is similar to a line of demarcation. It separates your emotional, physical, and spiritual space from the space of others in your life. In order for you to feel comfortable in your own skin, solid boundaries are necessary. Ignored boundaries are the most telling sign of a controlling relationship.

Lack of Privacy

Does your significant other believe it is acceptable to read your personal e-mail? Does he often pick up your cell phone and go through your text messages and incoming/outgoing call list? Does he even have the audacity to confront you about it afterward? If so, you are suffering from lack of privacy. When ignored, your personal boundary leads you to develop feelings of frustration and resentment. You begin to feel as though you must report all of your private thoughts, feelings, and actions to the other person. In other words, your ability to act as your own person has been stolen, and you no longer feel as though you have accessibility to your private space.

Smothering

Does your significant other give you a guilt trip for not spending enough time together? Does he become angry when you suggest going out with a large group of friends versus one-on-one time? Does he seem jealous when you spend time with your friends and loved ones? This is a tricky situation, so do not misinterpret. The situation becomes reversed if you truly aren't spending enough time with your significant other; however, if you are spending at least three or four days a week together, you are in the clear. People who smother are most often referred to as needy. Because they have graced you with their presence in this relationship, they fully expect you to utilize all of your spare time for them. Their need for attention is intrusive in your physical and emotional world, and you may feel as though you are being violated.

Overenmeshment

Does your significant other become frustrated if you do not share his opinion? Does he think that just because he dislikes someone, you should dislike them, too? Are his opinions and beliefs so rigid that his ability to "agree to disagree" is completely absent? A relationship suffering from overenmeshment is plagued by rules - rules for what is acceptable and rules for what is unacceptable. In controlling relationships, one person typically influences the other to at least operate in accordance to, if not entirely agree with, his or her opinion. Everyone must think and feel the same and do everything together. Individuality is crushed, and the very qualities that made you unique in the first place slowly begin to disappear. In essence, he is the magician, and you are the one vanishing.

Maintenance of the Relationship

If any of these situations apply to your relationship, it is likely that you are being controlled. Several questions come to mind: (1) Why are you allowing this to happen? (2) What can you do to change it? (3) What happens if you cannot change the situation?

Bear in mind, maladaptive thought patterns allow us to stay in relationships that we are not comfortable with. Maybe we are afraid he will do something to hurt himself. Maybe we feel as though we don't have the right to say no. Maybe we even feel like we are just being too picky for our own good. Either way, this type of thinking does a great disservice to everyone involved. Whether we like it or not, we know when a relationship is not right - instincts are infallible in the domain of human relations.

Before change can occur within the relationship, you must alter the maladaptive thought patterns within yourself. Teach yourself that it is okay to maintain separateness from people. This separateness makes you who you are. When you feel as though you are being violated, it is perfectly acceptable to say no. Most importantly, realize that your primary responsibility in life is either to yourself or to your children - this realization alone leads to the practice of healthy boundary setting.

If you are unable to change your way of thinking, you are unable to change your relationship. If this comes to pass, you are drifting into the dangerous territory of losing yourself. You are defining yourself by the relationship you are choosing to tolerate. Do you miss the woman you used to be? What's that you say? Is that a loud, resounding YES?

Good for you. Don't let her get away for good.