RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

If you are having problems with a relationship (of whatever kind), perhaps I can help. Over the years (I am nearly sixty), and like most people, I have had problems in and with, all kinds of relationships. Of course the most difficult problems tend to be with partners and those problems can be heart breaking perhaps even life threatening? If this is how you are currently feeling please don't despair. Things can and generally do, change for the better.

I'm not going to pretend to have all of the answers to your particular problem but I can at least empathise and perhaps give you a little in the way of advice or comfort. Difficulties in romantic relationships usually, in my experience, boil down to one thing; one person in the relationship is more in love than the other. This 'less love' will show itself in many ways: infidelity; lack of care; loss of intimacy etc., etc., If you are on the receiving end of any of this, it can feel unbearable. I think what I can tell you though is that it is bearable - not least because somehow, someway, you are bearing it.

What I mean by this is that you haven't died - even if you wish you had. Please take some comfort from this. There is some tiny spark in you somewhere that is preventing you from doing something to yourself. Somewhere inside you do know that this horror won't last forever, and it won't. Over the years I have learned that nothing, nothing, stays the same forever. Stop for just a second and listen to what is going on somewhere very deep inside - look for that spark - it is there. It is the spark that says "I will survive this." "I deserve to be happy" and you do. You may not be happy tomorrow, next week or even in three months time. But that little spark will keep you going on and you must learn to trust it and keep the spark lit.

Keep it lit by talking to your friends or if you can't do that try getting some counselling or speak to the Samaritans. Don't be ashamed to do this. Tell someone about your feelings - they won't go away overnight but I promise it will help. Keep the spark lit by doing nice things for yourself however small. Try to remember too that no matter what, you can't change what is happening with the other person in your relationship. Any changes will have to come from them. Please don't try to change them - change only yourself if you need to and at all costs keep that spark inside you lit.

In time, you will be yourself again. Look forward to that time and remember, you are bearing the pain and you will continue to bear it until it has gone away. It will go away.