Relationship Advice: Knowing When to Yell

The toilet seat is left up; there are clothes left on the floor; there's a $200 charge to the credit card for something you didn't agree to purchase. All these things (and a good deal more) can cause you and your loved one to argue. The question is: Is this really the issue at hand? Sometimes it is; often times it is not.

We've all been there: you're having a good day, thinking everything is going well, and all of a sudden you are in the middle of a screaming match because you didn't pick up the crumbs on the floor after you ate some potato chips! All you can think to yourself is "this is not a big deal!" Yet, there you are being hollered at like you're 8 years old. Your immediate instinct is going to be to yell right back, but this will do nothing but cause the situation to escalate. So what do you do?

Should you cower, clean up the mess and say, "Sorry. You're right, dear"...the answer isn't as simple as it seems. Of course, you'll want to clean up your mess and acknowledge that you should have done it in the first place out of respect for your loved one. But the next step that most people often fail to do is to ask their loved one a simple question: "What's wrong?"

Most people experience stress during their day, whether it's work, school, family or economic reasons. Money (or the lack there of) is usually a huge stress point with people, leaving us with a feeling of despair over not being able to get a handle on it. These stresses never really find a vent to be released, and come out as a screaming match over a relatively insignificant situation.

As the person on the receiving end of the verbal reprimand you need to remain calm for your loved one. As hurtful as the things they are saying may be you must remain focused on what they are yelling about most often is not what they are truly upset about. Think about what you are feeling when you are getting yelled at. You become defensive, unreceptive and retaliatory, wanting to make the person yelling at you feel just as bad as they are making you feel. But is this really constructive? Do you really want to start screaming and have both of you on the defensive, no longer listening to each other? What good will that do? Suggest that the person yelling at you step back for a minute and gather their thoughts.

As the person on the giving end of the verbal abuse you need to listen to what the other person is saying to you. If you are asked, "what's wrong," stop and think for a minute before you actually answer that question. Are you really mad about the crumbs on the floor or did you just have a day at work where you were "cleaning up" other people's mistakes? As much as the person you are yelling at may be responsible for some "wrong doing" you are responsible for figuring out what it is you are truly upset about. My advice to you is to step away when the yelling begins.

To clarify that last point a little more, do not just walk away from the situation. Excuse yourself from the situation with a simple, "I need some time to figure this out" or "I can't talk about it right now." Walk away and actively think about what's going on with yourself. Write it down, call a friend, take a walk or go lay down in a quiet room for 30 minutes. Take this time to really think about what's going on with you. Be honest with yourself, collect those thoughts up and return to your loved one with a rational (or semi-rational) explanation of what it is that has you so upset. By doing this seemingly simple step, you can resolve most of your arguments without a screaming match.

However, if you have taken the time to pull the situation apart in your mind and you feel absolutely justified in your anger, yell and scream all you want. This is not a solution to each and every issue that comes up in any relationship. Someone excessively spending more than is allowed by your collective budget, consistently disrespecting, belittling or abusing the other, or a repetition of any negative behavior that has been confronted multiple times before may require a more direct and aggressive approach to the conversation. The screaming and yelling will most likely help to alleviate some of the stress, pressure or strain that you are feeling in the situation you have found yourself. But again, I would warn that such behaviors are most often a red flag of an underlying issue or issues. When it gets to the point that the majority of your conversations/arguments end in a heated, vociferous fall-out, then you're next step is to find a non-biased third party mediator: a couple's therapist, a religious counselor or a mutual friend.