Relationship Ambiguity - Boyfriend & Girlfriend Labels

Our need to define and label relationships begins way before we become adults or even teenagers. Particularly for women. For starters, I recall the "best friend" necklaces that caused so many fights as a child, because they forced us kids to pick one best friend and share a broken necklace with them. There were "best friends" and "second best friends" and "best-est friends". Deep down, we were craving to be identified as that one special friend in someone else's life. To be placed above all other friends and feel important, wanted and cared for.

I don't know if boys did this as children, or if they just wanted to be well-liked in general. I know that as adults, women are usually the ones that want to label romantic relationships whereas men typicall prefer to hold off on defining things. Part of it could be evolutionary, with the woman needing the security of one man to be the father of her children, and the man wanting to spread his seed wherever possible.

In the past few years, I've come to both love and hate labels. Whether they define relationships, personal acheivements, beliefs, or whatever. I've learned that labels lead to all sorts of expectations and pre-conceived notions. And labels can rob an individual of his/her uniqueness or force a relationship to comply with certain standards. I know that I am a stronger person when I don't rely on lables to define me. Labels such as my job title, my physical/mental health conditions, my relationship status or something as simple as the "label" on my handbag. I see many people who use designer labels to help establish a sense of identity and status. I'm just me and I'm fluid and I change as I go through life and experience different things. The more self-awareness I have and the more honest I am about my feelings and needs, the less I need a label for a sense of security and identity.

Going back to the notion of relationship labels, this is where I am struggling at the moment. It seems that there are standard and accepted relationship statuses, as evidenced by MySpace (which has even made "swinger" a status!). You can be single, "casually" dating someone, in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, engaged, married, or divorced. "Divorced", in my mind, is the same thing as being single. Just because you made a relationship mistake in the past, it shouldn't brand your "status" for life. Nowadays, there are also "friends with benefits" and "fuck buddies"- adding more complexity into the mix. But I digress.

Some people really enjoy the early stages of relationships where nothing as been defined. There are very few expectations and the focus is on getting to know each other. However, I've rarely been able to enjoy the early stages of relationships. I am often very anxious about where the relationship is headed, and I wonder when I will have the security of being able to call this person my "boyfriend". I've done myself a disservice over the years by not being able to relax in early stages and having un-necessary anxiety over the future of my relationships even during the first few weeks. I also feel intense external pressure from friends and family to define my relationships. "Is it exclusive? Is he your boyfriend? Do you think you'll marry him?" And perfectionist that I am, I feel like I need to provide the proper answer. It wouldn't be acceptable to have an ambiguous, un-labeled relationship after say, two months.

As I said earlier, I know that I am a stronger, freer person when I don't label myself and my relationships. But on the other hand, relationship labels indicate a certain level of commitment and define expectations, providing security and reducing anxiety. When you're in a relationship, you have to balance the notion of freedom with your commitment to the other person. I don't think you have to sacrifice freedom at all, actually, if you're in the right relationship. And you see the other person as bringing out your best, unique self.

I know couples that have been "engaged" for years and years, and still don't have definite wedding plans. I know couples that have lived together for a long time, with no intent of getting married. I know of "life partners" who don't even consider themselves boyfriend/girlfriend, but have very powerful relationships. I admire these people for doing what they want and not needing to conform to tradition. They seem content and secure in their relationships. Ideally, I would be able to do the same thing, but I don't think I am there yet. Ideally, the love I would share with the other person would define the relationship, even if it weren't understood by anyone else and even if it weren't easily labeled.

Most people use exclusivitity to define a relationship. If the person you're with doesn't want to date anyone else and wants to commit to being with you along, then they're traditionally considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. But often times, exclusivity is just that and carries no deeper meaning. It doesn't imply love and it doesn't imply expectations. A few years ago, I was in a long-term, exclusive relationship where I felt like we were exclusive friends with benefits, but I didn't feel like this guy was my "boyfriend" in the sense of being a partner. Just because he wasn't seeing anyone else, that didn't obligate him to be there for me 24/7 or spend a pre-determined amount of time with me. And he never said that he loved me. Ultimately, the relationship ended because my expectations for "boyfriend" weren't being met, and I felt like the relationship wasn't headed anywhere or even progressing. I'm now good friends with this man, but since we share a relationship history and a connection, I do feel a bit closer to him than the word "friends" would imply.

I don't have any real conclusions to draw here. I am still conflicted on how I feel about relationships. I've come a long way in terms of not labeling myself and using those labels to form an identity. But in terms of relationships, would I rather have a traditional "boyfriend" or a somewhat vauge/ambiguous relationship that was defined by the love and connection? A relationship in which me and my partner felt a unique bond, but it wasn't necessarily understood by others because of the lack of a "label"? I am torn. Many people would probably tell me I can have both and they aren't mutually exclusive. That a labelled relationship can definitely be defined by the love and connection the two people share. In my experience with relationships, this hasn't been the case. I've been in situations where I've had the label, but it didn't mean that the man was meeting my expectations. And I've been in situations where I've had an extreme closeness with the other person, but for whatever reason, there was no label. So, this is why I am beginning to question how much I need or want to be in a traditionally "defined" relationship.