Relationship with God

I had known of Jesus, God, most of my life. I remember Sunday school as a small child, singing, "Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so". There were also vacation bible schools with friends - "the B I B L E that's the book for me" and "Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world". Did I understand any of it? NO!

At the ripe old age of 11 or 12, I recall the serious theological conversation with my best friend. We were perched atop our world, the roof of an abandoned granary, which was now our "club house". My final say on the subject of religion at that point was, "I don't know if there really is a God or not but just in case there is I'm not going to say there isn't because if there is I don't want Him to get mad at me."

In my late teens, I actually attended church services on my own for a time but to be honest I do not remember a single thing said there. Only that I was searching, reaching out, for something. I did not seem to find it though and in time gave up the Sunday morning hassle of getting dressed up and driving to town. Instead, I opted for jeans or shorts and the 2-mile bicycle ride to Lake Michigan to set on the bluffs and dream of a different, better, life.

When I was 18 is when I first remember hearing the word "salvation" or the phrase "accepting Christ as your savior". A pastor had come to my mother's house, my mother, and one of my younger sisters was there. They asked if I would like to accept Christ as my Savior, told me some things to say, prayed for and with me, and cried (the happy, excited kind of crying). It was very emotional but I believe more so for the other 3 than for me. Did I know what had happened? Did I know Jesus any better than when I was singing, "yes Jesus loves me"? NO!

Over the next 20 years, I was in and out of church. Read the bible from time to time. I even called on God for help on a few occasions. With age and maturity I learned some important questions in the Christian circle - "are you saved", "do you know Christ", and "are you going to Heaven"? To which I would answer, "yea, sure am, yep, yes, or oh yes"! I had played a piano solo, "Trust and Obey", in church, sang in a church choir, worked in a church nursery.

On the off times I had sexual relations with a couple dozen men, was married and divorced 3 times, drank a good share of alcohol, swore, lied, cheated, stole, and rarely thought of Jesus or God. At that point in my life I still had no knowledge of the Holy Ghost (or Spirit) and "The Trinity" sounded like the name of a band that must not have made it as big as "The Beatles".

I truly believed that had I died during that time I would have gone to Heaven. I had after all accepted Christ as my Savior. I was saved because Jesus died on the cross for me and "Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world." I was one of His children! I had learned a lot!

However, did I know Jesus? What if at that time someone had asked me if I had a "relationship" with Jesus? My answer would have been "NO" and "A what"! Was it a shortcoming in myself? Was I a slow learner or stupid? Or was I just never shown or taught those things?

I know now that Jesus has always been with me. He was there helping or watching as I sang and played games at vacation bible school. He was on the granary roof when I did not fully accept but did not deny Him. He was there the night I accepted Him and the morning I played "Trust and Obey".

Could I at any time have had a relationship with Him? I do not know for sure, possibly, but I think not. I think it just was not my time. I think that God was still working on me. "But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." (Isaiah 64:8 KJV)

The journey continues with My Baptism (coming soon)

Previously published on my personal web site By Faith Only

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