Relationship Mistakes and Remedies: A Personal List

As a new year begins, it is natural to evaluate the past year and think about how you want your life to be different. For me 2010 was the year of The Relationship. I found a relationship and lost a relationship right at the beginning of the year. When a relationship ends it is always painful, but this particular relationship, for whatever reason, had a huge impact on my life. I plunged into depression and despair which lasted for eight months. At the time, it was all I could do to wake up in the morning and go to work. It took an amazing amount of energy just to survive. I didn't realize that I was going through a tremendous amount of growth and change. I was in the proverbial cocoon, quite a painful place to be. You don't think anything is happening because the change is slow, but at the end there is a product that is lovely to behold.

At the time, I thought my main goal was to get this man back into my life. I just KNEW we were meant to be together. Even though my thinking was flawed, I knew at least that I needed to focus energy on myself and be healed of my past hurts and hangups so that I could have an improved relationship with him. In the end, our relationship ending was for the best. I learned so much about myself and am coming out of this a renewed mind and a much more confident woman. I am also more aware of my relationship mistakes. I think many of these are common to women and would like to share them here. As I look at each one, I hope to recognize it for what it is, admit how I have made these mistakes in the past, and suggest alternative remedies.

I shall resist the urge to consume or be consumed by someone

We have inside each of us the compelling need to be fully consumed by something. To be wholly swallowed. We hope that by being absorbed by this thing, all of our pain will be taken away. Before we were delivered into this world, we lived like that. We were part of our mothers' bodies. We lived in complete unity with another person. When we were delivered, however, we found that we were divided from our first love. Our mother had abandoned us to this cold world which did not in any way compare to the safe, warm, bubble we lived in inside her. Today as an adult, I still have this need. I look for something that can take all my pains and hurts away.

The trouble with consumption is that when we try to be filled by a human being, which has his/her own problems, mistakes, and hurts, the satisfaction can't last. We fill let down and hurt. "I thought you were going to make me feel good!" we scream. Now you've let me down, and the solution seems to be to look for the next fix.

For 2011, I will not look to be filled by anything except God's love. Looking to another person to fully consume you will let you down in the end and be a burden to that other person. Depending on the other person, they may even try to fill you for a time, but in the end, they will burn out and possibly crash themselves because they feel that they failed you. There is no magic fix. While it can feel sad to realize we are alone (except for us who believe God is always with us), there is also a different kind of freedom in realizing that you are only responsible for your own growth and protection. Nothing can fill you, but nothing can harm you either without your permission. You only have power over your own person, your own self. Be careful who you let near it.

I shall not look for lost pieces of myself outside of myselfOften when we are attracted to someone who is not good for us, it is because we are attracted to parts of this person's personality that we feel we are lacking and want more of. The classic example is a successful good girl being attracted to a "bad boy." The girl often has a "bad girl" inside of herself that she is suppressing. Often the bad boy type has a lot of confidence and detachment from others. He is independent and doesn't seem to care what anyone thinks. Instead of nurturing those qualities in herself that she admires, she will seek to vicariously achieve them through closeness with someone with those qualities. A better solution would be to work to nurture those qualities in herself she desires.

In my life, I am fearful of taking physical risks. I will ride a rollercoaster , where I am safely belted into a harness, but when it comes to activities where you could get hurt, such as skiing, riding a bike, hiking up steep cliffs, etc, I tend to shy away because of personal fears. That is why I am so attracted to men who are adrenaline junkies. I see their physical risk taking, and I admire that. I would like to (in baby steps) explore this fear more and learn to face it. When I meet the adrenaline junkie, I feel like my life will be more exciting because they will introduce me to activities I am scared to do on my own.

Instead of looking for my missing pieces in others, I will find those qualities in myself that I want more of.

I won't let my fear of abandonment control my actions

Fears will cause to do crazy things. Fear of abandonment is fear of being left by someone for whom you care deeply about. Normally people talk about this fear stemming from childhood. Whether it is a parent, friend, or ex-significant other, we have all been left by people we love. I would go a step further to say that it's not being left that we fear, it's the hole that is left afterwards. Our attachment to someone makes us feel indebted to that person. We feel that we need them to function or survive. Once that crucial person leaves, we long for them and the comfort they bring. We start looking at what is left and it seems insignificant or not enough. Other relationships seem unfulfilling ; other activities seem meaningless. We have attached too much importance to this one relationship.

There are several solutions to fear of abandonment. We must always recognize that relationships are a gift. The people we value add much benefit to our lives, but they are not our lives. It is okay to esteem someone and enjoy what they bring you, but people are not our crutches. Don't allow one person to be your one support system. View your relationship as a joy, a benefit, and a privilege, but not a need, a pill, or a sustenance. If you do, you give that person control of your life and control of your happiness.

When I first find a relationship I really care about, my fear of abandonment sometimes causes me to act in unattractive ways. I seek assurance that I won't be left. I question the person and want to know if anything is wrong or if I've done anything to upset them. Say things like, "Are we okay?" At the same time, if I do anything that does upset or annoy them, I get hypersensitive about it and assume that means they don't love me anymore and might choose to end the relationship. I take their feedback as a criticism. A better way to view it would be to take their words and judge them to see if they are so. If I am being too whiny, naggy , or whatever, I can then choose to change these things or work on them. If I feel hurt every time someone mentions something they don't like about me, it will be difficult to continue the lines of communication. Relationships, in fact, give us the chance to refine our characters and grow to be more like God.

Instead of having a fear of abandonment, I will approach each relationship as a chance to get to know someone better and myself better, realizing that it might not be meant to last forever. We should seek to be in relationships that are mutually beneficial to both people. If this is your lifetime love, you will both have to learn to deal with each other's good and bad points, as they are with no changes. One or both people may find that the relationship is not mutually beneficial, but that doesn't reflect on you as a person. It just means they are not the right person for you.

I will remember that I don't have the power to fix or heal anyone with my love.

Natalie at Baggage Reclaim would call this the Florence Nightingale complex. Both sexes are guilty of sometimes getting involved in relationships with people who are hurting or have issues. Now, this isn't to say that people who are hurting are have issues can't be good relationship partners. We are all hurting somehow, and we all have issues. However, if you are the type of person who is attracted to people because they have issues, this is a different thing. I don't fully understand the psychology about this, but I know have been guilty of it before.

The Florence Nightingale complex happens when one person has issues and the other feels they can "fix" those issues if they just love them enough. It creates a whole slew of problems and is caused by some pretty messed up things. The need to control, the need to know you are not going to be left, the need to be up on a pedestal. Most of all, it happens because you do not believe you are worthy or deserving of being in a relationship with someone who is equal with you. Maybe you think no one who could be there for you would possibly want you. Instead you settle for what you can get. You might stay with someone who is abusive or no good for you in hopes that one day they will appreciate how much sacrificed for them and loved them.

Natalie explains it better here, but instead of trying to fix someone else, I will recognize people for who they are and not work to be someone's counselor or shrink or social worker. I will recognize that I can't fix anyone's problems but my own, and in fact, I can't even fix my own problems. Instead, I can turn them over to God.

I will not do anything expecting results
By nature I am an approval seeker. I love to hear compliments and kudos about myself. In order to do this, sometimes I do things to win approval. When I was little, sometimes I would clean the kitchen or do some other random chore. But as soon as I did it, I would immediately tell my mother that I had done so. I wanted her to say, "Wow! Great job, Lindsey. Thank you so much." If she didn't shower on the praise, I would feel empty and jaded. I was doing things to get results rather than doing them because I wanted to or needed to. Then if I didn't get the results, I would feel resentful and bitter.

It's sad but true that as an adult, things don't always change so much. In relationships, sometimes I work really hard to show someone how much I care about them. I feel like maybe they will realize how wonderful I am and that will make them feel lucky to have me in their life. However, this is just another form of control, and it also sets up expectations on my end that could be let down. In truth, you want a person to realize how wonderful you are, not because you do things for them, but because of what you contribute to their life. Your mere presence is a gift. They need to value you intrinsically as a person. The more you try to do, the less you will just be able to be.

I will seek to do nothing with expectations or conditions. Anything I do, I will do because I want to as a natural outpouring of my love. I will then prepare myself to give the other person the choice to respond in a way that is authentic to them.

I will let relationships grow at a natural rate and not feel the need to rush

What is it about me that seeks to rush into every relationship? I find someone I like, and I fall . . . hard. I decide right then and there that they are the one for me. Maybe I think if I slow down, they will change their minds about me, or maybe I am just afraid to slow down and see things for what they are. It's no secret that I want to meet my true love. But I also believe that this kind of assurance can only come after establishing trust, love, care, and respect with someone over a length of time.

In the book The Ten Commandments of Dating, the author talks about letting the glue dry. On a model car, you build the engine, and then let the glue dry. Then you add the next part and let the glue dry. Piece by piece, you build the model, always stopping to let the glue dry in between each monumental step. If you don't do this, the model car will fall apart. It isn't sturdy enough to hold together without these pauses. As you are getting to know someone better, you will have moments of wonderful togetherness and intimacy, and it can be so tempting to want to be like this all the time. But you have to resist. Sometimes this is the perfect moment to spend time apart and just enjoy the memory of your last time together. Enjoy the stage you are in, instead of trying to rush things forward to "forever and ever." Like anything valuable, building a relationship takes time.

I will allow my relationships to occur in a natural way at a healthy pace, instead of trying to rush towards some invisible goal.

And there you have it, my top relationship mistakes and remedies. Do you recognize these in yourself? Do you have different ones? Feel free to leave comments below.