Relationship Negotiation Guide for Women

Imagine for a moment two powerful leaders of opposing countries coming together around a table, each having their very own agenda and neither willing to give in easily. These countries are not necessarily enemies to each other, but through misunderstandings a squabble has arisen on their borders. Before it goes out of hand and we have yet another useless war on our hands, it is up to you to negotiate those peace treaties which will ensure the safety of both and a satisfactory outcome.

If I would come to you with this scenario you would doubtlessly take the conversation a lot more seriously. You would go to the table with caution, think about everything you say before you open your mouth and would probably be much more willing to give a little in order to receive. Here at this table of high politics, happiness and lives are on the line and you are responsible for them. Drama, Tears and Mud slinging is not going to get you anywhere at this Table, you will have to show that you are in charge of your emotions, can rationalize and prove your statements. You would come to this particular table with a clear thought out plan on what you would want to convey, wouldn't you? Add to this that your talk time is limited and you will have to give all the facts and your offer in a preset time limit. Could you do it?

I want to let that sit with you for just a moment. By now, many of you are wondering what this has to do with having a conversation with your husband, after all you are not from two separate countries and you sure as dickens aren't enemies. Why would I even bring that up? The answer is extremely simple. In many ways when we argue or try to achieve anything with our husbands we often approach the subject as if we are talking to an enemy instead of someone we value. We act callous and without much thought about what it is we are saying and how it may be taken in the long run. We forget that just like in our scenario above we are taking lives and happiness in our own two hands. The most important lives to you matter of fact, those of your husband, your kids (if there are any) and yourself. There are certain sentences a male will automatically react badly to because all his hardwired instincts tell him he is about to go under attack, and with that his defenses will come up and be strong. You will no longer talk to a reasonable male at this point, but rather to someone looking for fault in everything you say.

To us it won't make much sense that he is reacting this way, after all what did we say that was so wrong? Remember, that we hear and take things differently then a male does and reversed. Remember the story about the two countries above. We at times speak two different languages all together.

#1 "We need to talk'.
In our minds we are just stating an obvious fact. Something is wrong and we need to get it straightened out by talking about it. Putting the cards on the table and sorting through the mess. I can almost guarantee you that your husband is suddenly searching in his mind for the Dentist Appointment he may have forgotten. With other words, he would rather be anywhere then here with you at that moment. The moment you utter those dread words, he is already gearing up for a fight or is getting ready to ignore everything you have to say. You know have 10 seconds. Go. Not going to be possible is it? Try to avoid stating the obvious. Instead try to set a more relaxed atmosphere. Make some coffee, tea, or some other nice non-alcoholic drink and set it up nicely on the table. Sit side by side with him instead of confrontational face to face. A nice and friendly;"Could I have a few moments of your time honey?" will get you a lot further.

#2 " You never ..."

Not only is that an untrue statement, but it is also an offensive statement. Unless you are saying "You never let me down!" in that case please say it more often. The "you never..." is often something very negative and in the long run gives your honey the permission to simply continue on with the lack of doing. If he is already labeled as a "never" guy then why should he even bother? Try to avoid blanket statements like those at all cost, unless you are making predictions about your future. Remember one simple thing, never is a very long time. Are you sure you really want to speak that up?

So how can you phrase that a lot more helpful? What is it that you think he never or not often enough does? Listen to you? Tell you that you are beautiful? Watch what he is spending? Spend enough time with you? Help you around the house? Instead of attacking, why not appreciate? Even if he only did it once, you get a lot further with thanking him for the one time then accusing him for the other times.
"Thank you for helping me with the Dishes and taking out the Trash the other night honey. I have been really overloaded lately and every little bit you feel you can help me out with, is so appreciated! I can get done faster and spend time cuddling with you instead." Big smile! Now honestly if someone was to come at you like that, wouldn't you be much more willing to help?

#3 "Why can't you just ..."
Another very accusatory statement usually followed by a rather nonsensical statement. For example; "Why can't you just be like Jane's husband? He always is so nice to her." Not only did you just hold someone above him, but you are also not fair. I can guarantee you that no matter what you think; you never see the entire truth in public. No person is an Angel; they just present themselves that way to make themselves look better to others. Your honey has his own particular weaknesses and strengths. He can't behave like another male, because he isn't the other male. No matter what he would do, reality is that you would still find something wrong about him with that mindset. Remember one simple thing, only a real asshole wants his wife to be miserable all the time. Only a complete jerk sets out to make her unhappy. In that case, my question to you is. "Why are you still with him?" Get out of the relationship and be happy by yourself.

A much better tact would be to pinpoint the behavior you desire so much and let him know that it would make you happy. For example:" I would love it if you help me carry the groceries more often. There are times I just don't feel like I can do it all." Don't say "consider it", because he will consider and then decide it is not worth doing. Be very specific in what you want, don't leave any wiggle room, but be reasonable as well. Remember that your husband more and likely works all day and is tired too. If you are both working then working together around the house is just fair as well.

#4 "You will ..."
Unless you are his mother or his Mistress *BDSM Type not sex type* you may want to reconsider using this statement. Anytime you tell a grown man what he "will" do, I can almost guarantee you he won't do it. The only acceptation of course here is his job or maybe his mother if he is a momma's boy. Don't demand anything, request it nicely instead. For example I witness some of this silly behavior. "You will buy me this .... now." I wouldn't buy that for her either. Again there is an entire fetish lifestyle around bratty behavior and demands, but in an equal relationship that does not have a place. "Will you buy this for me please?" is a much nicer way of asking. Now he still has the option to say no, but probably won't if the request is reasonable and you both have the money for it.

#5. "... or else!"

Unless you are willing to walk away for good from your relationship if your terms aren't met and / or you are willing to live a more "one sided" life, don't ever give an ultimatum. If the situation truly calls for an ultimatum, just be prepared that you will be the one out of the door. Make sure you are mentally, physically and financially prepared to walk away if necessary. Giving an ultimatum means essentially that it has become so bad now that unless it changes drastically you will not be sticking around any longer. You better be able to stick to your guns, because guys have learned throughout the ages that females often use this stupidity as a bluff, just to get the guy to fly right. Don't even consider this an option. If you give an ultimatum you better be prepared to follow it out to the bitter end. Also remember ladies, that something being done because your husband was forced to do it, won't last or won't be done in the spirit you think it needs to be. Ultimatums come with a very high price, make sure you are willing to pay the piper.
Now that stated what can you do if it has come to that point? Can you just suffer through and leave it alone, or do something about it? In some cases you will have to be willing to give in and give up the fight if you want to stick around. If this is a point that needs to be addressed because it now puts your mental or physical health in danger, or is in some way jeopardizing your survival then you really don't have an option. If it has stepped directly over your personal boundaries, that too needs to be addressed straight forward. In this case I would suggest you make it short, sweet and simple as possible.

"I am not going to be able to tolerate ... much longer. I am asking you to please... , if you can't do that for us, then I will have to ...." Simply stop after that statement and walk away. Nothing else needs to be said. You made your stance clear. Now it is up to him to make his decision. You clearly stated the problem, gave the solution to the problem as you saw it, and the consequence if it was not done. No ultimatum in there. It was a clear statement. Do not bring it back up, simply react to which ever way he chooses to go.

Now this was for the ladies and even so I have said husbands, it goes just as much for boyfriends and significant others. I will cover the husbands no no's towards their wife in a separate article.

I know that you probably have read similar articles many times in different magazines, so what makes this one special? I believe that this subject is timeless and regardless of how many times it has been covered, it seems to remain one of the biggest issues in a relationship. We do not take the proper care in addressing our loved ones, but rather often times treat them careless. I myself have been guilty of the "crimes" above many of times, and know how easy it is to slip into them when you are stressed. The difference is that I understand what those sentences cause and when I do find myself opening my mouth without thinking ahead of time, I already know the outcome.

Understand that I am not saying that "husbands" should not carry responsibilities for their often time "brutish" behaviors, but you need to keep in mind as well that if we as ladies want to behave like "fish mongers" and "annoyances" then we in their eyes become less then valuable. When someone is irritated by you just being in the same room with them, they are less likely to listen to anything you have to say. Good communication begins with knowing how to involve the other partner into the negotiations. If you tell someone right from the beginning that you think they are an idiot and their opinion is not valuable or relative then you have already stopped them from becoming actively involved in producing the solution for the problem.